Homesick

I feel like such a dork writing this, but this is me being honest.  Lately I've been pretty homesick, and I don't exactly know what that makes me for admitting it.  It's such a weird feeling for me, because this is the first time in my life I've ever really felt like this, at least to this degree.

You see, my home and my parents weren't really things that I appreciated while I lived there.  All I could see was the world beyond the walls, and I resented home more than anything.  Even in college, it was about finding my wings and my place in this world.  I couldn't see what I had.  I was so focused on other things.

Like my insecurity.  My parents are very neat and organized people, and I'm...well...not, and every time they would come to visit, I would be so focused on how much of a failure I was in keeping my place up to par.  And even in my decisions, I had this mentality of having to prove myself to them.  It is true that they are more cautious people than I and when I would present many of my "brilliant" ideas, they weren't always as openly thrilled about them as I was.  So then I would switch into defensive mode, believing as I have my whole life that my honor in their eyes depended on my success and responsibility.  I spent so many years fighting my parents that I missed the thing I really needed most-their love.

I guess it's only dawned on me lately that my parents love me unconditionally and are proud of me.  23 years and it finally made it through my thick skull.  It's hard for me to understand a love that isn't earned.  However, as I am coming to understand that God's love for me is like this, I am realizing that I've had that same love all along in my parents.  It makes this whole "total independence" thing sound pretty silly.  Although I'd never want to go through high school again, I wish I would have been more thankful for the incredible blessing I had, and still have, but to a different degree.

My parents are coming tomorrow (well, today now) and all I can think about is how much I've missed them.  I feel so much safer when they are around, like no matter what is going on, everything is going to be ok.  It's this whole being an adult thing; I don't know what in the world I'm doing, and I'm so scared of everything.  There comes a point, and I'm at that place now, where I'm just so tired of having to be strong.  No matter what I'm doing, I have to be brave, and it's exhausting.  I just want someone else to be brave for me, even if it's just for a couple days.  All that to say, I'm glad they're coming.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be homesick.  I guess that's what I am.