I opened up my devotional this morning and this quote was at the bottom of the page: "A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all other virtues." -Marcus Tullius Cicero Little did I know this morning how much God was going to show me today about the importance of living a life of gratitude.
To put this really long story in just a few paragraphs, I have been sick for 8 years. It has really been a struggle, but I have not talked about it much, especially not before this last year. I guess there are maybe many reasons for this, most of which probably deal with shame for being weak. So, if I may step out of my dark little corner that I have resided in for so long, I am going to start to talk a little about my journey.
I have had severe digestive and muscle issues for a long time. It started with my joints and muscles, but as we tried different medicines to help deal with the pain, it really aggrivated my digestive tract. The meds caused "multiple multiple tiny ulcers" and all attempts at pain meds ceased for years as we dealt with my digestive tract that would never be the same. I've been to several different doctors, but being the age I was, I determined to "not let it get me down" more than anything. I continued international travel and I was sick in EVERY COUNTRY I was in to some degree. I was convinced that if I wouldn't give my illness the time of day, that it would give up bothering me and go away. After an emergency flight home from several months in the Dominican Republic followed by a month basically spent in bed, I realized that method didn't work. I must not have learned my lesson, though, because after a few more months spent with doctors and dead ends, I gave up on the whole thing for about a year.
Starting in July of this past year, I decided to go back to searching for answers, as my symptoms grew worse and worse. At times, I could not walk well, and definitely could not stand for very long. I could not eat anything without severe pain, and no amount of mind over matter could help me cope. We hit diagnostics very hard, in fact far harder than I ever had. I saw several different specialists who put me through their series of tests, many of which were very expensive. There were two tests that were extremely painful that involved very long needles and electric shocks. I finally paid these all off, and I worked my tail off doing it by working several jobs and whatever I could find. The doctor decided in November that my issues probably stemmed from a seritonin and norepinephrine issue, and we started treatment on the seritonin side. Just two weeks ago, we decided that venture went well, and shifted the focus to the norepinephrine side. We were pretty excited about all this, because it has been an extremely long battle and journey. We started a two week test for one kind of medication.
The medicine helped with my energy level, but ultimately failed at its intended purpose. I went back to the doctor a couple days ago (on my birthday actually), and we had a pretty discouraging meeting. We took a step back and started a new medicine that is notorious for a lot of things, and very hard on the digestive system. Therefore, I have additional medicine to help protect my digestive tract from the medication for my muscles. If this medicine works, then it is an inflammatory issue. If not, then it is back to the drawing board. I started this medicine today.
So now that we're on the same page, I can explain a little of what I went through today and you'll be able to understand the depth of my "pain" so to speak, but I'm not really talking about physical pain right now. I'm talking about the exhaustion, sadness, and discouragement that comes from dealing with something for a very long time.
I was scared to take this medicine today, but I did it anyway, and I have felt very sick. Pain has increased and I was unbelievably exhausted all day. This was the exact opposite of what this medicine was supposed to do. I left work around 4:00 and went home. I slept for 3 and a half hours. When I woke up, I turned on my IPod, and God led me to the song Gratitude by Nichole Nordeman. I couldn't believe how much God taught me through this incredible song (and I am sorry that we are just now starting to get to the point of my blog). Here are the lyrics to the song:
Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case...
We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time.
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case...
We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead
And if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case...
We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if you never grant us peace
But Jesus, would you please?
Where do I even begin? How can I start to tell you about all that I have learned from the depths of the valley? Perhaps I could write many books, however what I want to share with you tonight is how very much I love my God.
To be honest, it makes me pretty angry to hear this new theology that says in essence that a loving God sending people to hell doesn't make any sense. Seems to me that we got things WAY MESSED UP. And yes, the subject of suffering, justice, and judgment is a hard one to reconcile, but somehow we've made this story about us instead of God.
The truth is, that truth is truth, whether we want to believe it or not. Gravity exists, and no matter how much you don't believe it is there, you will fall and break your leg if you jump off the roof of your house. Life could not make sense if we did not have this basic understanding of how the world works. The same is true about spiritual things as well. God is real and so are heaven and hell, and I don't see how anyone can read the Bible and come to a different conclusion. Just because we can't justify in our minds how God is love and still just, does not make it any less true. Now with that said, let me talk a little more.
Does a loving God send people to hell? That makes God out to be a horrible Being. However, there are two truths in this statement: God is loving, and some people will go to hell. However, we forget the most important part of this whole thing: ALL OF US BY OUR ACTIONS DESERVE THAT. God, by His grace and love has offered us a way out, and a way to be restored forever in relationship with Him. THAT'S GOOD NEWS!
The same could be said about suffering. How can a good and loving God allow people to suffer? Why do good people get sick? Why do some people die young? These things don't make sense, and in a way, I'm not sure they ever will to our satisfaction this side of eternity. However, we can't wrap our whole understanding of God's goodness around how we perceive Him to be, because if the truth is that God is good, then maybe we've turned the story upside down. If the story's about God, then it is a priviledge to know Him, to be loved by Him, and to be held by Him.
Heaven only knows how many times this girl has asked God "Why?" If you really want to know, right now I am at a restaurant. I am tired, sick, and in pain. However, I desperately want to tell you about how amazing my God is. Through all the years of unanswered prayers, unending tears, and even yet today the disappointed hopes, God has been so faithful.
People wonder how I can still trust God and love Him with all that I have been through. In my mind, how could I not? My God has been beside me through every moment of suffering, and was the only One who has caught all my tears. Through the majority of this journey now, I have not lived close to my parents and have had to face many, many nights alone. Even tonight, I will go home to my apartment, and I won't have anyone to cry to but God. However, though I am by myself, I am never far from the comforting arms of my Best Friend. My wildest imagination could not have perceived a God more loving and more wonderful. Yes, God could heal me anytime He wanted to. However, I am blessed to be entrusted with such a testimony of His grace, and I am filled with gratitude that I would have the opportunity to walk beside the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. He has filled me with greater joy than I could have ever dreamed.
Why am I sick? I have no idea, and if God hasn't shown me, then I guess that I don't need to know. I was talking to my friend Rachel this morning, and she was explaining how brief our lives really are. She said it's kind of like a picture taken of a car speeding by, a snapshot of quick movement and then it's gone. When we remember that moment or we see a picture of it, there is usually one thing that really stands out in our minds. I wonder, what will be the flash of my life? What will be the one thing that people will remember about me when I am gone? I would hope that through all my imperfections, wanderings, and questions that they will remember God. I want the one thing they see to be Him, because that's what my life's really about anyway.
I want to live every moment of my life in gratitude to God because I am truly blessed beyond what I could ever dream. If God never sends the rain, or the bread, or the peace, or the healing that I pray for, then I will give thanks to Him for teaching me how to hunger and thirst for Him, and to trust Him through the questions that I don't have the wisdom to answer. Every day I find God to be more good than I found Him the day before, and that is a truth that will never change. He is my everything, in plenty or in need. I will rest in Him, grateful for the priviledge of knowing Him and the ability to share with those around me of His goodness in my life. My story is not my own, and come what may, I will love Him with all that I am. I only pray that He would continue to give me the strength to hold onto Him, and I know that He is holding onto me too. Like Job, I will say, "Though He slay me, still I will trust Him," and I will live every day thankful for the moments He gives and for the chance to show His love.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Secrets and Regrets
I've been thinking a lot these past few days about the past. It's interesting to notice the memories that stick out more than others, and how some things, if we don't think about them long enough, we are bound to never remember them again. However, there are those instances that repeatedly come back to mind, triggered by a car alarm or a certain phrase said by a complete stranger. They are the secret pain and past regrets that seem to grip us and never let go.
I have realized that there are several things that I have held onto and they have held onto me, the "secrets and regrets" of my past. I seem stuck in the same mentality as I was back then and it frustrates me. There are past friendships and relationships that have gone sour, stupid decisions that I have made, and things out of my control that haunt me and have taught me to fear. I constantly respond to people around me with these instances in mind, afraid to repeat the mistakes of my past. However, all that I am doing is reacting from my woundedness and creating a whole new slew of secrets and regrets for tomorrow.
I have often wondered how circumstances that I have given to God can still bother me daily. Sometimes it seems like there was no benefit of giving it to Him at all. The struggle continues on and on, like a broken record or a scratched CD. I am stuck, disillusioned, and unhappy. It took someone else bringing to my attention the true source of this internal battle: I have not forgiven myself for the things that have taken place.
You see, in two broken friendships in particular, I had done everything in my power to make things right. I had taken on the responsibility for all that had happened and as a result, I inherited all the guilt as well. I bore the burden and shame for the actions done, though I was only half the relationship. I had forgiven them even though the pain continued, but I had not laid down the burden that I had been carrying ever since.
There is also a person that I allowed into my life for quite some time that all reason, wisdom, and intuition told me to close that door and walk the other direction. I chose to ignore the voices I should have listened to, tired of being alone and desperately wanting someone to listen. It was grace that protected me from a lot of "could-have-beens" as I chose to walk a path I knew better than to walk. Talk about a regret that was my own doing. How do you justify something like that?
In high school, I had a friend that committed suicide. Not long before this happened, she and I were alone in our Algebra classroom. All the other students had left and for some reason, we were the only ones there. I distinctly remember the voice of God telling me to stay and talk to her, but I was in a hurry and going somewhere as always. I stopped at the door, looked back at her, and as our eyes met, I continued out the door. For years, I blamed myself for her death, knowing that I had willing disobeyed the voice of God calling me to take a priceless opportunity to be a friend. Even after I reconciled in my mind that suicide was her decision, not mine, and sought forgiveness from God, I lived my life by the philosophy of "never again." Anyone that came into my life that was broken became my mission of salvation. When things did not always turn out for the better in these instances, I took on additional responsibility and guilt. I tried my hand at being "savior of the world" and found that it's a good thing that God sent Jesus for this purpose and not me, because He was a lot more successful at the job.
Also in high school, I dated a guy for a year and a half. He always was and will be an incredible guy, and it was an honor to be a part of his life. When we started dating, he went to church but the idea of a personal relationship with God was something new to him. We spent hours and days and weeks debating theology and the deep mysteries of life and one day I received a phone call from him saying that he had asked Jesus (for lack of a better phrase) into his heart. I was so excited and I went into full-blown "discipleship mode." I bought workbooks that went through the whole "understanding your decision" process, and I can only imagine what he was thinking through the whole thing. When the time came that our relationship ended, it was not long before I received a very different kind of phone call. He had decided that this whole "Jesus thing" was not for him, and the conversations that we have had about it since usually contain the phrase "worse decision of my life" when referring to the few months he spent "exploring Christianity." It is one thing to have someone that you deeply care about never accept your beliefs. It is another thing when they reject them completely; to celebrate a victory then face the attitude of disgust is hard to bear. You know the drill, I blamed myself. Did I misrepresent Christ to him? Was his whole idea of who God is wrapped around who he understood me to be? Had I become the savior rather than someone else who had been saved by grace? I could probably answer "maybe" to all these questions, but as I have struggled to deal the best way with all of these situations, I have begun to realize the importance of things such as truth, free will, and grace.
Pillar has a song called "Secrets and Regrets" and the chorus begins, "Your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far, and you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark." I have learned that it is one thing to learn from our mistakes; it is another to let them control our decisions, relationships, and future. Once we have laid our sin at the foot of the cross and found the forgiveness of Christ, we can leave it there. Just as others have the free will to make the decision to be bitter, to give in to the pain, and walk away from God, we have the ability to choose to become people that operate from a different perspective. If God's grace is enough for everyone else, then surely it is enough for us. We can live in victory.
The truth is that God has a passionate love for all of us, and He does not taunt us with the memories of the past. What He has forgiven, He has chosen to send them as the Bible says, "as far as the east is from the west." His grace picks us up and says, "See how I make all things new!" The old has gone, the new has come. It is the enemy that reminds us of the times that we have failed and listening to his voice teaches us to hesitate and shrink back at obeying the voice of God. God's truth tells us that we are His "masterpiece" and by the grace of God, what has been broken can be restored in Him.
Until this point, I have juggled the voice of God and the voice of the enemy. I heard God's truth, but I also saw how much He had to save. My fear of repeating past mistakes put me in a cycle of "better at some things, worse at others." I was living as a result of my experiences, rather than as a reflection of God's grace.
The truth is, we all do stupid things. When Jesus repeatedly referred to us as sheep, it was not meant as an insult. He was simply stating things as they are. However, as the Good Shepherd, Jesus laid down His life for us, His sheep, and His grace is sufficient for all of us, regardless of the secrets and regrets we face every day. His love picks us up and makes us new.
From this day on, I refuse to live my life governed by my decisions and circumstances of the past. I choose to listen to the voice of truth that says it is grace that opens the door for me to come to God with confidence and leave all that was broken at His feet. I have no idea how the circumstances will turn out or if they will ever be resolved, but they are now in the hands of the real Savior of the world. I want to live my life as a true reflection of my God, where His love flows freely through me and is not filtered through the pains of my yesterdays. I want to sing the song that the angels only long to sing:
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see
My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending love, amazing grace.
I have realized that there are several things that I have held onto and they have held onto me, the "secrets and regrets" of my past. I seem stuck in the same mentality as I was back then and it frustrates me. There are past friendships and relationships that have gone sour, stupid decisions that I have made, and things out of my control that haunt me and have taught me to fear. I constantly respond to people around me with these instances in mind, afraid to repeat the mistakes of my past. However, all that I am doing is reacting from my woundedness and creating a whole new slew of secrets and regrets for tomorrow.
I have often wondered how circumstances that I have given to God can still bother me daily. Sometimes it seems like there was no benefit of giving it to Him at all. The struggle continues on and on, like a broken record or a scratched CD. I am stuck, disillusioned, and unhappy. It took someone else bringing to my attention the true source of this internal battle: I have not forgiven myself for the things that have taken place.
You see, in two broken friendships in particular, I had done everything in my power to make things right. I had taken on the responsibility for all that had happened and as a result, I inherited all the guilt as well. I bore the burden and shame for the actions done, though I was only half the relationship. I had forgiven them even though the pain continued, but I had not laid down the burden that I had been carrying ever since.
There is also a person that I allowed into my life for quite some time that all reason, wisdom, and intuition told me to close that door and walk the other direction. I chose to ignore the voices I should have listened to, tired of being alone and desperately wanting someone to listen. It was grace that protected me from a lot of "could-have-beens" as I chose to walk a path I knew better than to walk. Talk about a regret that was my own doing. How do you justify something like that?
In high school, I had a friend that committed suicide. Not long before this happened, she and I were alone in our Algebra classroom. All the other students had left and for some reason, we were the only ones there. I distinctly remember the voice of God telling me to stay and talk to her, but I was in a hurry and going somewhere as always. I stopped at the door, looked back at her, and as our eyes met, I continued out the door. For years, I blamed myself for her death, knowing that I had willing disobeyed the voice of God calling me to take a priceless opportunity to be a friend. Even after I reconciled in my mind that suicide was her decision, not mine, and sought forgiveness from God, I lived my life by the philosophy of "never again." Anyone that came into my life that was broken became my mission of salvation. When things did not always turn out for the better in these instances, I took on additional responsibility and guilt. I tried my hand at being "savior of the world" and found that it's a good thing that God sent Jesus for this purpose and not me, because He was a lot more successful at the job.
Also in high school, I dated a guy for a year and a half. He always was and will be an incredible guy, and it was an honor to be a part of his life. When we started dating, he went to church but the idea of a personal relationship with God was something new to him. We spent hours and days and weeks debating theology and the deep mysteries of life and one day I received a phone call from him saying that he had asked Jesus (for lack of a better phrase) into his heart. I was so excited and I went into full-blown "discipleship mode." I bought workbooks that went through the whole "understanding your decision" process, and I can only imagine what he was thinking through the whole thing. When the time came that our relationship ended, it was not long before I received a very different kind of phone call. He had decided that this whole "Jesus thing" was not for him, and the conversations that we have had about it since usually contain the phrase "worse decision of my life" when referring to the few months he spent "exploring Christianity." It is one thing to have someone that you deeply care about never accept your beliefs. It is another thing when they reject them completely; to celebrate a victory then face the attitude of disgust is hard to bear. You know the drill, I blamed myself. Did I misrepresent Christ to him? Was his whole idea of who God is wrapped around who he understood me to be? Had I become the savior rather than someone else who had been saved by grace? I could probably answer "maybe" to all these questions, but as I have struggled to deal the best way with all of these situations, I have begun to realize the importance of things such as truth, free will, and grace.
Pillar has a song called "Secrets and Regrets" and the chorus begins, "Your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far, and you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark." I have learned that it is one thing to learn from our mistakes; it is another to let them control our decisions, relationships, and future. Once we have laid our sin at the foot of the cross and found the forgiveness of Christ, we can leave it there. Just as others have the free will to make the decision to be bitter, to give in to the pain, and walk away from God, we have the ability to choose to become people that operate from a different perspective. If God's grace is enough for everyone else, then surely it is enough for us. We can live in victory.
The truth is that God has a passionate love for all of us, and He does not taunt us with the memories of the past. What He has forgiven, He has chosen to send them as the Bible says, "as far as the east is from the west." His grace picks us up and says, "See how I make all things new!" The old has gone, the new has come. It is the enemy that reminds us of the times that we have failed and listening to his voice teaches us to hesitate and shrink back at obeying the voice of God. God's truth tells us that we are His "masterpiece" and by the grace of God, what has been broken can be restored in Him.
Until this point, I have juggled the voice of God and the voice of the enemy. I heard God's truth, but I also saw how much He had to save. My fear of repeating past mistakes put me in a cycle of "better at some things, worse at others." I was living as a result of my experiences, rather than as a reflection of God's grace.
The truth is, we all do stupid things. When Jesus repeatedly referred to us as sheep, it was not meant as an insult. He was simply stating things as they are. However, as the Good Shepherd, Jesus laid down His life for us, His sheep, and His grace is sufficient for all of us, regardless of the secrets and regrets we face every day. His love picks us up and makes us new.
From this day on, I refuse to live my life governed by my decisions and circumstances of the past. I choose to listen to the voice of truth that says it is grace that opens the door for me to come to God with confidence and leave all that was broken at His feet. I have no idea how the circumstances will turn out or if they will ever be resolved, but they are now in the hands of the real Savior of the world. I want to live my life as a true reflection of my God, where His love flows freely through me and is not filtered through the pains of my yesterdays. I want to sing the song that the angels only long to sing:
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see
My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood, His mercy rains
Unending love, amazing grace.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Like A Mist
This morning is the funeral for my grandma's sister. It's up in Nebraska so I am not able to go. A couple days ago, my grandma woke up just like it was another day and walked into her sister's apartment and found her on the floor. Just like that.
I read chapter 2 of Crazy Love this week and it reminded and convicted me of so many things. When I was in Jr. High, a girl I knew in my youth group had a brain aneurism and died. She was 17 years old. She was one of the most amazing girls I have ever met. Her life held such promise, and then it was over. What if I died today? What would people remember about me? I honestly have no idea. I know how I hope that they'd remember me.
I've thought a lot about dying over the past few years. Living every moment as if it was my last has been the philosophy of my life. Being sick makes you think about that stuff. However, living every moment as if it might not be my last is something that has been a huge struggle for me.
Honestly, living scares me more than waking up and seeing Jesus. Him I trust, and He has never let me down or failed to prove His love to me. I live my life for Him. He and I, we're ok.
It's all these people I live with on earth that I struggle with. How do I know if I can trust someone? I've had some pretty significant blunders, so I have lived most of my life adding bricks to the wall around my heart. Sure, I'll be a friend to others, be their listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. However, when I cry, I lock myself in a room. Being vulnerable with someone...well, I've done that, and it didn't turn out too well.
So I can write these general blogs with all the deep thoughts I'm having and it's all good. I'm leaving out the personal details. Sometimes it's easier for me to write about my feelings and put it out there, thinking well, maybe my mom will read this. If someone else does, whatever. It's much harder for me to sit across the table from a friend and tell them, because it's no longer just some words on a website. There are two eyes staring back at me. Those eyes might see me cry. They might see the ugly things about me. And what if I died tomorrow and that was her last memory of me? What would she think of me then? "Oh, she seemed like a great person, but..." No, it's much easier to deal with things alone and let everyone "respect" me. What is respect? What is honor anyway?
This is what I have been thinking about lately. Honestly, it's been bugging me a lot. Living life with Jesus...at the end of the day, I know where we'll stand. However, I don't know where I will stand with anyone else, especially if I allow them to see the deepest parts of my heart. Does anybody else struggle with this?
I read chapter 2 of Crazy Love this week and it reminded and convicted me of so many things. When I was in Jr. High, a girl I knew in my youth group had a brain aneurism and died. She was 17 years old. She was one of the most amazing girls I have ever met. Her life held such promise, and then it was over. What if I died today? What would people remember about me? I honestly have no idea. I know how I hope that they'd remember me.
I've thought a lot about dying over the past few years. Living every moment as if it was my last has been the philosophy of my life. Being sick makes you think about that stuff. However, living every moment as if it might not be my last is something that has been a huge struggle for me.
Honestly, living scares me more than waking up and seeing Jesus. Him I trust, and He has never let me down or failed to prove His love to me. I live my life for Him. He and I, we're ok.
It's all these people I live with on earth that I struggle with. How do I know if I can trust someone? I've had some pretty significant blunders, so I have lived most of my life adding bricks to the wall around my heart. Sure, I'll be a friend to others, be their listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. However, when I cry, I lock myself in a room. Being vulnerable with someone...well, I've done that, and it didn't turn out too well.
So I can write these general blogs with all the deep thoughts I'm having and it's all good. I'm leaving out the personal details. Sometimes it's easier for me to write about my feelings and put it out there, thinking well, maybe my mom will read this. If someone else does, whatever. It's much harder for me to sit across the table from a friend and tell them, because it's no longer just some words on a website. There are two eyes staring back at me. Those eyes might see me cry. They might see the ugly things about me. And what if I died tomorrow and that was her last memory of me? What would she think of me then? "Oh, she seemed like a great person, but..." No, it's much easier to deal with things alone and let everyone "respect" me. What is respect? What is honor anyway?
This is what I have been thinking about lately. Honestly, it's been bugging me a lot. Living life with Jesus...at the end of the day, I know where we'll stand. However, I don't know where I will stand with anyone else, especially if I allow them to see the deepest parts of my heart. Does anybody else struggle with this?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Life Is A Scary Thing, Don't You Think?
This is something that has been on my mind the past couple days. Who in the world really understands life or time? None of us has a clue if we will be alive in five minutes, let alone five years. Life is so short...and it can be over so fast.
And how do we become the people we are? We are born with personalities, but every single choice we make sends us down particular paths. Everywhere we go, we meet different people and encounter different opportunities. Going to one college over another could determine where someone lives, what job they settle on, and for many people, who they will marry. How often do we ponder how we came to where we are?
And then there are the little decisions that change our lives forever: to get in the car with those people, to walk home alone with that guy, or to run inside to grab something quick while the toddler is outside. One stop light, one night, and one moment can leave us wounded for the rest of our lives. We could drive ourselves crazy with the "could have beens."
And what about the things we can't control, like what family we are born into and all the messes that each one holds? One child is born into a Christian family, one into an abusive family, and one left in a dumpster on a street in Africa. The things they all will need to overcome and learn, the choices they will make to become people of excellence or victims of their circumstances, and the people that have the opportunity to step into their lives and encourage them down either path is astounding. On one hand, we have such little power; on the other hand, all the power in the world.
There are times in life for all people where they reach a crossroads between what is comfortable, fairly predictable and safe, and the road that is better. The better road will set them apart, cause them to tread through waters they have only dreamed about, and lead them to either a fabulous victory or a fabulous defeat. It is the one opportunity taken that can change a life forever, and it is frightening.
Some people think that God's will for their lives means that every single choice and decision has a right and wrong answer. A person can literally drive herself insane trying to live by this philosophy. Does God have specific plans for us, or is His will for us to be in relationship wtih Him and the rest of life how we respond with wisdom to the decisions and opportunities that come our way? Does God have specific plans for some and not for others? What about someone called to be a pastor? Is someone called to be a plumber?
And how does someone realize God's will for his or her life? A terrible accident leaves a man crippled, and he spends the rest of his life ministering to disabled people. One person chooses to leave everything, goes to another country, and opens an orphanage just because that has always been the passion of her heart. Two completely different ways of response, one to circumstances and the other to a deep internal longing, yet they both believe they are living out the purpose for their lives.
I could literally go on all day...these are just a few of the thoughts on my heart...more to come.
And how do we become the people we are? We are born with personalities, but every single choice we make sends us down particular paths. Everywhere we go, we meet different people and encounter different opportunities. Going to one college over another could determine where someone lives, what job they settle on, and for many people, who they will marry. How often do we ponder how we came to where we are?
And then there are the little decisions that change our lives forever: to get in the car with those people, to walk home alone with that guy, or to run inside to grab something quick while the toddler is outside. One stop light, one night, and one moment can leave us wounded for the rest of our lives. We could drive ourselves crazy with the "could have beens."
And what about the things we can't control, like what family we are born into and all the messes that each one holds? One child is born into a Christian family, one into an abusive family, and one left in a dumpster on a street in Africa. The things they all will need to overcome and learn, the choices they will make to become people of excellence or victims of their circumstances, and the people that have the opportunity to step into their lives and encourage them down either path is astounding. On one hand, we have such little power; on the other hand, all the power in the world.
There are times in life for all people where they reach a crossroads between what is comfortable, fairly predictable and safe, and the road that is better. The better road will set them apart, cause them to tread through waters they have only dreamed about, and lead them to either a fabulous victory or a fabulous defeat. It is the one opportunity taken that can change a life forever, and it is frightening.
Some people think that God's will for their lives means that every single choice and decision has a right and wrong answer. A person can literally drive herself insane trying to live by this philosophy. Does God have specific plans for us, or is His will for us to be in relationship wtih Him and the rest of life how we respond with wisdom to the decisions and opportunities that come our way? Does God have specific plans for some and not for others? What about someone called to be a pastor? Is someone called to be a plumber?
And how does someone realize God's will for his or her life? A terrible accident leaves a man crippled, and he spends the rest of his life ministering to disabled people. One person chooses to leave everything, goes to another country, and opens an orphanage just because that has always been the passion of her heart. Two completely different ways of response, one to circumstances and the other to a deep internal longing, yet they both believe they are living out the purpose for their lives.
I could literally go on all day...these are just a few of the thoughts on my heart...more to come.
Monday, March 21, 2011
My Savior, My Healer
Last night a friend and I had a pretty intense conversation about something. We often have deep theological discussions, but last night was a bit of a special conversation. It was difficult to discuss for me, because it hit very close to home in something that I have had to personally work through. So to my friend, I apologize if I spoke out of emotion at any point in our conversation. I want to show you respect in answering your question in the most complete way I know how.
For those of you who are just joining our discussion, the subject is Divine healing for physical sickness and how God chooses to respond to illness.
Just a background on why this is such a personal subject for me: I have struggled with a very painful illness for over 8 years. (An update for those who are wondering: the prognosis is very good. Treatment is going well, and I truly believe I am on the other side of the storm now.) Throughout this journey I have wrestled with a lot of these questions about God: Does God like to see His children suffer? If not, then why does He allow it? Am I not healed because I have a lack of faith? Or maybe even the most common question: Why? For a long time, I thought it was wrong to question God. One of the biggest lessons I have learned through this is how to be completely honest with God. Until last year, I hardly told anyone about my illness. The last thing I wanted to be in the world was weak. I hated the thought of people feeling sorry for me or giving me special treatment because I "wasn't like the other kids." I was so sick of thinking about it, and was tired of talking about it. I got enough questions from doctors. I hated the attention. I just wanted to be normal. There's so much more I could share, but I wanted to include this because it's important to understand that many people who are sick do not want to be this way. (Some people do, and that is a completely different matter.)
So let's tackle the tough questions. I hate dancing around the real questions and being the good Sunday School kid by saying, "There's always a reason for everything that happens." Maybe that's true, but there is FAR MORE TO IT than a simplistic answer like that. I believe it places blame in the wrong place, and I am about to dive into some really big things, so please take a deep breath before continuing.
Does God like to see His children suffer? My answer is: NO. Now for the explanation, at least in part and it will continue throughout the rest of this essay. One verse that has given me considerable comfort is Psalm 56:8. The New Living Translation says it best: "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." In fact, a lot of the Psalms deal with David (or one of the other authors) crying out for comfort, relief, and salvation from enemies. Sometimes the song ends and there is no response from heaven. If God is aware and He cares enough to capture and see as precious every tear that falls from our eyes, then why is He silent, often for years on end? Why do some die without seeing relief when they have trusted God so deeply?
The question of God's silence and permission for pain to linger is a difficult one to face and wrestle with. Everyone who has faced any kind of suffering, not just illness, has to deal with these questions personally and in their own context. I have never known an exception. Now, in order to deal with this subject, we need to switch gears and discuss something else and work our way back to this point.
Here is the age old question: What is the meaning of life? My simplistic answer: to worship God and bring Him glory. If we look back in Genesis when God created man, chapter 1 verse 27 says that He created humans in His image. In the beginning, before sin came into the world, Adam and Eve enjoyed walking and talking with God Himself in the garden. Think about being able to stand in the presence of God Himself. I get shivers down my spine just trying to imagine what that would be like. It took humans only 2 chapters (who knows how much time) to fall for the appeal of being as great as God, knowing and understanding all things. They chose to disobey God and eat from the one tree that He had told them not to eat from. This is when sin came, and God had to enforce consequences. This is the first time pain is mentioned and when death came into the world: 3:19c: "For dust you are and to dust you will return." God put man in his proper place and reminded him that God is Creator; man is creation. God is sovereign; man is dust.
Then comes Abraham, when God delivers His first covenant: He will bring forth His chosen nation from Abraham, and God takes the responsibility for the sin of humans and promises a Savior to come and make all things right. For the rest of the Old Testament, God established with Moses a law for the Hebrew nation to follow, to give them protective guidelines for life. They notoriously rebelled against this law, and God through His love and justice allowed them to experience the consequences of their actions. They were even taken into exile by the Babylonians for many years and the silence of God seemed to echo off the mountains. However, He sent prophet after prophet, reminding the people that He had not forgotten them and if they would learn to follow Him, He would restore them once again.
Eventually, Jesus comes and just about the time the Teachers of the Law have the way to live down to a science (and I mean a science), Jesus turns their world upside down with talk of a new covenant (which seemed completely opposite from the old, but really was the fulfillment of God's covenant with Abraham). Jesus walks around healing a ton of people and talking about a Kingdom of God, which was a familiar term to them, but they had come to misunderstand what it was all about. They expected a national revolution. Instead, they got the Son of God on a donkey, and that ticked them off to say the least.
It is because the idea of the Kingdom of God was so familiar to the Hebrew people that He never flat out says what the Kingdom of God really is. He instead spent His 3 years in ministry describing through His stories, His life, and ultimately His death what the Kingdom of God is like. He compared it to a mustard seed, a little bit of yeast, and a pearl. He was trying to set the record straight: the Kingdom of God isn't about trying to be the greatest; it is about being the least. It is not about being strong; it is about being weak. It is not about being equal to God; it is seeing God in His proper place and us in ours: at His feet, the creation worshiping the Creator. Everything we are and everything we have is because God is and He gave.
This idea of free will is a hard one to reconcile. If God created us to worship Him and give Him glory, then why did He even give us the option to reject Him? That is where love comes in. 1 John 4:8b says that "God is love." It does not say that love is something God does; it is who He is. True love is recognized when someone else could walk another path but they choose to love you instead. True love is faithfulness even when the other party does not always return the favor, like God and the Israelites when they disobeyed Him time and again. Finally, love is true when sacrifice is offered. John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
So how does this relate to the subject of suffering and healing? First of all, we need to understand everything within the greater picture of both the purpose of life: to worship God and bring Him glory and also the Kingdom of God: Jesus' principle purpose in coming and the greatest message He wanted to get across. If we as Christians are a part of this "Kingdom of God" and have been born again into this "upside-down reality", where the least is the greatest, the faith of a child is required, and God is Sovereign, then we must understand what it means to capture the "mind of the Kingdom." In all of this, we MUST REMEMBER: it is not about US. It is ALL about GOD.
We as humans are not very good judges of what is GOOD. We think that chocolate and ice cream are GOOD (and indeed, I fall into this category). However, our bodies can't handle a whole lot of these delicious desserts, and eating them often will cause our bodies to deteriorate and not function well. We see exercising and holding a job as tiresome and a drag. However, without doing these things, our lives would be at about the same level as if we ate chocolate and ice cream all the time.
On a much more serious level, we see pain and suffering as bad things, and it is true when we look at Genesis, we see that God created the world without these things and did not intend for them to come into the world. Pain was never in the plan. Pain was a result of man's decision to disobey God. Here is where actions and consequences were set into place. Consequences are meant to teach us what to do and what not to do again. Truth (at least in our minds) only makes sense when we see the action and the response (for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction). Therefore, lest we fall into the trap of believing that God causes pain and suffering, we must understand that this came about from our decision to put ourselves in a place we do not belong: as equals to God. God is Creator; we are creation. We are and we have because God is and He gave.
So what are you saying, Chelsea? People get sick and they suffer because they rejected God? Our illnesses are a consequence of what we have done? So our suffering is our fault? Here is where we need to discuss what the Kingdom of God is all about, and we need to handle some issues very carefully.
First of all, we need to understand that God does not give us "special treatment" because we are Christians. Matthew 5:45b says, "He causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." The idea of partiality is a misuse of God's love. John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that WHOEVER believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life (emphasis added)." Just like the Good Shepherd will leave the 99 sheep that are found and search for the ONE that is lost, so His love is passionate about the unrighteous like it is for the righteous. The driving purpose of the Kingdom of God is to bring all those who do not know God into a saving relationship with Him, that they might experience His relentless love for them. God is about restoring things to the way they should be and the way He created them all the way back in Genesis when a holy and Almighty God walked openly in the garden with man, and man felt no shame. God does not cause pain nor did He create it. Rather, through the suffering Romans 8:28 says, "God works for the GOOD of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (emphasis added)." There's that word GOOD again. What is GOOD? To be in relationship with God. Who is called? According to John 3:16, the invitation is made to everyone, and "whoever believes in Him."
To be a part of the Kingdom means that we no longer live for our individual desires, but for the purposes of God. We know the purpose of God is to bring everyone into a relationship with Him and restore the brokenness of the world. Therefore, the things that we suffer are not only the result of being part of a broken world, and they not only grow in us personal qualities like Paul talks about in Romans 5:3-4: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope." Our suffering has the possibility of growing us into Christlikeness, and therefore making us witnesses to others of the faithfulness and love of God. Paul says in Romans 12:1 to "offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God." He also says, "this is your spiritual act of worship.' When we gain the "mind of the Kingdom", we understand the value of the eternal over the temporary. Our bodies are temporary. We will all die. Our life here on earth is but a breath in light of eternity spent in the presence of God. We are therefore called to, "store up...treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. (Matthew 6:20)" As we trust God with the things we do not understand and serve Him though the road is painful, we store up eternal treasures in heaven that do not fade away when our bodies die and all that we possess and accumulate on earth are no longer ours. This "mind of the Kingdom" is the kind of witness God desires from His Creation. Paul calls it the "mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16)." We value the eternal over the temporary. We live for the bigger picture and the greater purpose: the Kingdom of God.
Therefore we can hold onto this promise from God in 2 Corinthians 4:17-18: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
I rejoice in God: my Savior and my Healer. I now understand that my salvation and my healing run much deeper than the pain or comfort I feel from day to day. I rejoice in the opportunity to be a part of the Kingdom of God. I rejoice in my sufferings, because they have eternal worth and value. I rejoice in the love of God that covers all.
For those of you who are just joining our discussion, the subject is Divine healing for physical sickness and how God chooses to respond to illness.
Just a background on why this is such a personal subject for me: I have struggled with a very painful illness for over 8 years. (An update for those who are wondering: the prognosis is very good. Treatment is going well, and I truly believe I am on the other side of the storm now.) Throughout this journey I have wrestled with a lot of these questions about God: Does God like to see His children suffer? If not, then why does He allow it? Am I not healed because I have a lack of faith? Or maybe even the most common question: Why? For a long time, I thought it was wrong to question God. One of the biggest lessons I have learned through this is how to be completely honest with God. Until last year, I hardly told anyone about my illness. The last thing I wanted to be in the world was weak. I hated the thought of people feeling sorry for me or giving me special treatment because I "wasn't like the other kids." I was so sick of thinking about it, and was tired of talking about it. I got enough questions from doctors. I hated the attention. I just wanted to be normal. There's so much more I could share, but I wanted to include this because it's important to understand that many people who are sick do not want to be this way. (Some people do, and that is a completely different matter.)
So let's tackle the tough questions. I hate dancing around the real questions and being the good Sunday School kid by saying, "There's always a reason for everything that happens." Maybe that's true, but there is FAR MORE TO IT than a simplistic answer like that. I believe it places blame in the wrong place, and I am about to dive into some really big things, so please take a deep breath before continuing.
Does God like to see His children suffer? My answer is: NO. Now for the explanation, at least in part and it will continue throughout the rest of this essay. One verse that has given me considerable comfort is Psalm 56:8. The New Living Translation says it best: "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." In fact, a lot of the Psalms deal with David (or one of the other authors) crying out for comfort, relief, and salvation from enemies. Sometimes the song ends and there is no response from heaven. If God is aware and He cares enough to capture and see as precious every tear that falls from our eyes, then why is He silent, often for years on end? Why do some die without seeing relief when they have trusted God so deeply?
The question of God's silence and permission for pain to linger is a difficult one to face and wrestle with. Everyone who has faced any kind of suffering, not just illness, has to deal with these questions personally and in their own context. I have never known an exception. Now, in order to deal with this subject, we need to switch gears and discuss something else and work our way back to this point.
Here is the age old question: What is the meaning of life? My simplistic answer: to worship God and bring Him glory. If we look back in Genesis when God created man, chapter 1 verse 27 says that He created humans in His image. In the beginning, before sin came into the world, Adam and Eve enjoyed walking and talking with God Himself in the garden. Think about being able to stand in the presence of God Himself. I get shivers down my spine just trying to imagine what that would be like. It took humans only 2 chapters (who knows how much time) to fall for the appeal of being as great as God, knowing and understanding all things. They chose to disobey God and eat from the one tree that He had told them not to eat from. This is when sin came, and God had to enforce consequences. This is the first time pain is mentioned and when death came into the world: 3:19c: "For dust you are and to dust you will return." God put man in his proper place and reminded him that God is Creator; man is creation. God is sovereign; man is dust.
Then comes Abraham, when God delivers His first covenant: He will bring forth His chosen nation from Abraham, and God takes the responsibility for the sin of humans and promises a Savior to come and make all things right. For the rest of the Old Testament, God established with Moses a law for the Hebrew nation to follow, to give them protective guidelines for life. They notoriously rebelled against this law, and God through His love and justice allowed them to experience the consequences of their actions. They were even taken into exile by the Babylonians for many years and the silence of God seemed to echo off the mountains. However, He sent prophet after prophet, reminding the people that He had not forgotten them and if they would learn to follow Him, He would restore them once again.
Eventually, Jesus comes and just about the time the Teachers of the Law have the way to live down to a science (and I mean a science), Jesus turns their world upside down with talk of a new covenant (which seemed completely opposite from the old, but really was the fulfillment of God's covenant with Abraham). Jesus walks around healing a ton of people and talking about a Kingdom of God, which was a familiar term to them, but they had come to misunderstand what it was all about. They expected a national revolution. Instead, they got the Son of God on a donkey, and that ticked them off to say the least.
It is because the idea of the Kingdom of God was so familiar to the Hebrew people that He never flat out says what the Kingdom of God really is. He instead spent His 3 years in ministry describing through His stories, His life, and ultimately His death what the Kingdom of God is like. He compared it to a mustard seed, a little bit of yeast, and a pearl. He was trying to set the record straight: the Kingdom of God isn't about trying to be the greatest; it is about being the least. It is not about being strong; it is about being weak. It is not about being equal to God; it is seeing God in His proper place and us in ours: at His feet, the creation worshiping the Creator. Everything we are and everything we have is because God is and He gave.
This idea of free will is a hard one to reconcile. If God created us to worship Him and give Him glory, then why did He even give us the option to reject Him? That is where love comes in. 1 John 4:8b says that "God is love." It does not say that love is something God does; it is who He is. True love is recognized when someone else could walk another path but they choose to love you instead. True love is faithfulness even when the other party does not always return the favor, like God and the Israelites when they disobeyed Him time and again. Finally, love is true when sacrifice is offered. John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
So how does this relate to the subject of suffering and healing? First of all, we need to understand everything within the greater picture of both the purpose of life: to worship God and bring Him glory and also the Kingdom of God: Jesus' principle purpose in coming and the greatest message He wanted to get across. If we as Christians are a part of this "Kingdom of God" and have been born again into this "upside-down reality", where the least is the greatest, the faith of a child is required, and God is Sovereign, then we must understand what it means to capture the "mind of the Kingdom." In all of this, we MUST REMEMBER: it is not about US. It is ALL about GOD.
We as humans are not very good judges of what is GOOD. We think that chocolate and ice cream are GOOD (and indeed, I fall into this category). However, our bodies can't handle a whole lot of these delicious desserts, and eating them often will cause our bodies to deteriorate and not function well. We see exercising and holding a job as tiresome and a drag. However, without doing these things, our lives would be at about the same level as if we ate chocolate and ice cream all the time.
On a much more serious level, we see pain and suffering as bad things, and it is true when we look at Genesis, we see that God created the world without these things and did not intend for them to come into the world. Pain was never in the plan. Pain was a result of man's decision to disobey God. Here is where actions and consequences were set into place. Consequences are meant to teach us what to do and what not to do again. Truth (at least in our minds) only makes sense when we see the action and the response (for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction). Therefore, lest we fall into the trap of believing that God causes pain and suffering, we must understand that this came about from our decision to put ourselves in a place we do not belong: as equals to God. God is Creator; we are creation. We are and we have because God is and He gave.
So what are you saying, Chelsea? People get sick and they suffer because they rejected God? Our illnesses are a consequence of what we have done? So our suffering is our fault? Here is where we need to discuss what the Kingdom of God is all about, and we need to handle some issues very carefully.
First of all, we need to understand that God does not give us "special treatment" because we are Christians. Matthew 5:45b says, "He causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." The idea of partiality is a misuse of God's love. John 3:16 says, "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that WHOEVER believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life (emphasis added)." Just like the Good Shepherd will leave the 99 sheep that are found and search for the ONE that is lost, so His love is passionate about the unrighteous like it is for the righteous. The driving purpose of the Kingdom of God is to bring all those who do not know God into a saving relationship with Him, that they might experience His relentless love for them. God is about restoring things to the way they should be and the way He created them all the way back in Genesis when a holy and Almighty God walked openly in the garden with man, and man felt no shame. God does not cause pain nor did He create it. Rather, through the suffering Romans 8:28 says, "God works for the GOOD of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (emphasis added)." There's that word GOOD again. What is GOOD? To be in relationship with God. Who is called? According to John 3:16, the invitation is made to everyone, and "whoever believes in Him."
To be a part of the Kingdom means that we no longer live for our individual desires, but for the purposes of God. We know the purpose of God is to bring everyone into a relationship with Him and restore the brokenness of the world. Therefore, the things that we suffer are not only the result of being part of a broken world, and they not only grow in us personal qualities like Paul talks about in Romans 5:3-4: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character, and character, hope." Our suffering has the possibility of growing us into Christlikeness, and therefore making us witnesses to others of the faithfulness and love of God. Paul says in Romans 12:1 to "offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God." He also says, "this is your spiritual act of worship.' When we gain the "mind of the Kingdom", we understand the value of the eternal over the temporary. Our bodies are temporary. We will all die. Our life here on earth is but a breath in light of eternity spent in the presence of God. We are therefore called to, "store up...treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. (Matthew 6:20)" As we trust God with the things we do not understand and serve Him though the road is painful, we store up eternal treasures in heaven that do not fade away when our bodies die and all that we possess and accumulate on earth are no longer ours. This "mind of the Kingdom" is the kind of witness God desires from His Creation. Paul calls it the "mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16)." We value the eternal over the temporary. We live for the bigger picture and the greater purpose: the Kingdom of God.
Therefore we can hold onto this promise from God in 2 Corinthians 4:17-18: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
I rejoice in God: my Savior and my Healer. I now understand that my salvation and my healing run much deeper than the pain or comfort I feel from day to day. I rejoice in the opportunity to be a part of the Kingdom of God. I rejoice in my sufferings, because they have eternal worth and value. I rejoice in the love of God that covers all.
I Promise
I just returned last weekend from Minnesota, where I had the privilege of being a part of one of my best friends' wedding. The weekend was insane with all the details and errands. It was worth it, however, when the wedding actually took place, and seeing the joy in my friend's eyes as she looked at her new husband brought happy tears to a lot of our faces.
I ended up driving back to Kansas alone, which turned out to be a good thing, because God and I had a pretty special time. As I was going through my IPod, I came across many songs that held a lot of significance to me at certain points in my life. It's amazing looking at my journey over the past few years in relation to where I am now. Being at the wedding reminded me of memories, both good and bad, of my pursuit of love.
I remember a few years ago, my developing of an extensive list of "what I want in a husband." I came across that list a couple weeks ago and I was apalled at how perfectionistic I was in looking for someone. It's not that I have lower expectations now; I have just discovered over time what is more important in someone. The thing that I was most disturbed with was how my list was almost entirely focused on what my future husband could give and do for ME. I realized right then and there that I had missed the whole point of love and marriage, along with the rest of our society.
Maybe I'll write more on the purpose of marriage if I get married and know a little more about the subject. However, it seems to me that marriage is a team; a companionship meant to glorify God. When one is struggling, the other can hold him up, and vice versa. It is shared sacrifice and gain, and most of all a representation of God's love for the church. I could go on, but I'm afraid I might be treading in waters I do not belong in at this point.
Romantic love seems to be the ultimate goal for most people; at least it is for girls (guys, I don't even want to know what you do at YOUR slumber parties). It's fun to like a guy and dream about the future. Every girl has in mind the perfect "knight in shining armor" and there are a million chick flicks to prove it. Looking back over my journey, I definitely fell into the "hopeless romantic" track. I shake my head at that girl back then, and in many ways I wish I could knock her over the head with a 2x4. What was I THINKING? I remember one time in the middle of the loneliness of being single that God taught me a special lesson about love.
I was in Ecuador and having a VERY rough time. Take a girl that's lonely to begin with and then place her in another country for 7 weeks. Brilliant. Well, God really used that time to plant some seeds of truth in my life that I couldn't even grasp the significance of at the time. I gave up my calling because I did not see how I was worthy or desireable for the job, and God chased me down and showed me that His love for me made me worthy. What a significant time in my life that was.
The most life-changing time for me, however, was during a trip to the jungle. This was a very personal time with God, and before now, I haven't shared this with very many people. In fact, I am almost positive this experience was never written in my Ecuador report. God met me one night in the little hostel room upstairs and I will never be the same. He showed me His heart and how He wanted me to learn how to fall in love with Him and allow Him to fall in love with me. He gave me a secret promise that I hold onto every day.
That night I felt more loved than I have in my whole lifetime put together and those few hours spent in the presence of God is my most precious memory. During that time, I was 4 years into my illness, and those who have battled chronic illness understand how even more alienating that struggle can be. God gave me a song in Ecuador that really comforted me and helped me see His constant presence:
You're Not Alone by Meredith Andrews
"I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but you found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying,
'You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All of your life.'
You cry yourself to sleep, cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost, with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying,
'You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All of your life.'
Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you."
Falling in love with God and being cherished by Him has been such an incredible journey, especially this last year. In so many ways He has pursued my heart and been patient with me as I learned to trust Him.
As I was nearing Kansas City, a song played that I had not heard in a long time. I must have repeated it 10 times. It spoke the exact words that I wish to pray to God, and I wish every girl who is in this season of waiting could hear and embrace these simple words:
I Promise by Jaci Velasquez
"Lord, you know my heart and all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell
Lord, you know them well.
Though I may be young, I see and understand
That at times like sheep we go astray
And things get out of hand.
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity as unto You
Waiting for the day when I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you.
Until then, O Lord, I will be content
Knowing that true love will come someday
It will only come from You
'Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity as unto You
Waiting for the day when I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you."
I love the quote from Max Lucado, "A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man must seek Him to find her." It is my deepest prayer that I will seek God above all else and only step into a relationship that is God-focused and ordained. I pray this for all the single girls out there: wait. Waiting isn't sitting on your hands either. Fall in love with God. Seek His heart, and He will mold you and shape you into a woman of excellence. Then you will be a jewel worth finding, and a blessing to that man when your paths stumble across each other unexpectedly.
I ended up driving back to Kansas alone, which turned out to be a good thing, because God and I had a pretty special time. As I was going through my IPod, I came across many songs that held a lot of significance to me at certain points in my life. It's amazing looking at my journey over the past few years in relation to where I am now. Being at the wedding reminded me of memories, both good and bad, of my pursuit of love.
I remember a few years ago, my developing of an extensive list of "what I want in a husband." I came across that list a couple weeks ago and I was apalled at how perfectionistic I was in looking for someone. It's not that I have lower expectations now; I have just discovered over time what is more important in someone. The thing that I was most disturbed with was how my list was almost entirely focused on what my future husband could give and do for ME. I realized right then and there that I had missed the whole point of love and marriage, along with the rest of our society.
Maybe I'll write more on the purpose of marriage if I get married and know a little more about the subject. However, it seems to me that marriage is a team; a companionship meant to glorify God. When one is struggling, the other can hold him up, and vice versa. It is shared sacrifice and gain, and most of all a representation of God's love for the church. I could go on, but I'm afraid I might be treading in waters I do not belong in at this point.
Romantic love seems to be the ultimate goal for most people; at least it is for girls (guys, I don't even want to know what you do at YOUR slumber parties). It's fun to like a guy and dream about the future. Every girl has in mind the perfect "knight in shining armor" and there are a million chick flicks to prove it. Looking back over my journey, I definitely fell into the "hopeless romantic" track. I shake my head at that girl back then, and in many ways I wish I could knock her over the head with a 2x4. What was I THINKING? I remember one time in the middle of the loneliness of being single that God taught me a special lesson about love.
I was in Ecuador and having a VERY rough time. Take a girl that's lonely to begin with and then place her in another country for 7 weeks. Brilliant. Well, God really used that time to plant some seeds of truth in my life that I couldn't even grasp the significance of at the time. I gave up my calling because I did not see how I was worthy or desireable for the job, and God chased me down and showed me that His love for me made me worthy. What a significant time in my life that was.
The most life-changing time for me, however, was during a trip to the jungle. This was a very personal time with God, and before now, I haven't shared this with very many people. In fact, I am almost positive this experience was never written in my Ecuador report. God met me one night in the little hostel room upstairs and I will never be the same. He showed me His heart and how He wanted me to learn how to fall in love with Him and allow Him to fall in love with me. He gave me a secret promise that I hold onto every day.
That night I felt more loved than I have in my whole lifetime put together and those few hours spent in the presence of God is my most precious memory. During that time, I was 4 years into my illness, and those who have battled chronic illness understand how even more alienating that struggle can be. God gave me a song in Ecuador that really comforted me and helped me see His constant presence:
You're Not Alone by Meredith Andrews
"I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but you found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying,
'You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All of your life.'
You cry yourself to sleep, cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost, with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying,
'You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All of your life.'
Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you."
Falling in love with God and being cherished by Him has been such an incredible journey, especially this last year. In so many ways He has pursued my heart and been patient with me as I learned to trust Him.
As I was nearing Kansas City, a song played that I had not heard in a long time. I must have repeated it 10 times. It spoke the exact words that I wish to pray to God, and I wish every girl who is in this season of waiting could hear and embrace these simple words:
I Promise by Jaci Velasquez
"Lord, you know my heart and all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell
Lord, you know them well.
Though I may be young, I see and understand
That at times like sheep we go astray
And things get out of hand.
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity as unto You
Waiting for the day when I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you.
Until then, O Lord, I will be content
Knowing that true love will come someday
It will only come from You
'Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause
So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity as unto You
Waiting for the day when I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you."
I love the quote from Max Lucado, "A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man must seek Him to find her." It is my deepest prayer that I will seek God above all else and only step into a relationship that is God-focused and ordained. I pray this for all the single girls out there: wait. Waiting isn't sitting on your hands either. Fall in love with God. Seek His heart, and He will mold you and shape you into a woman of excellence. Then you will be a jewel worth finding, and a blessing to that man when your paths stumble across each other unexpectedly.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Justice
Reading the news tonight about Libya is making me sick. I don't know what to think or how to feel, and honestly, I am sad at how little I know about what is going on. It's hard to know the truth, knowing the media can make things look however they want to. Politics is always a little shady too. I don't understand any of it.
I hate war, and honestly I think God hates war too. However, He loves justice. He also asked the Israelites to engage in battle on many occasions. When is war right? How are we called to establish justice?
The justice of God is something I have never quite understood and I guess maybe I never will. I do know that in order for life to make sense, there has to be truth. The truth is that God gave us a choice to either choose Him or reject Him, and that has eternal consequences, both good and bad. That demonstrates both God's justice and love, since we have all rejected Him. His justice had to be satisfied, so Jesus came to die. So therefore, God's justice and truth must be linked, as well as His love.
The truth is that God loves us. That is the subject that is discussed most in church. That's nice to think about. However, there are a lot of bad things that go on in the world, like trafficking, child labor, and orphans on the street. SO MANY other things fit into this category. How do we respond to that? I know that these atrocities must anger God and He weeps for the innocent who suffer. If He loves both the abuser and the abused, then how do we be agents of God's justice to both parties?
To make it even more complicated, how do we handle genocide that occurs in other countries? Like Apartheid in South Africa and the killing of over 800,000 people in Rwanda over tribal wars? Surely it isn't right to sit by and do nothing. However, how do we decide which injustices to respond to and which to leave alone? Some people believe we would be sticking our nose where it does not belong. I don't know how you pick your fights, because if I see someone hurting someone else, I might see it as my responsibility to intervene.
I'd better figure out where I stand on these issues, especially since my calling is to work with orphans in central Africa. I know that I hate war. However, I also hate it when someone who has the power to help stands by and watches the innocent suffer. Some situations are easier to deal with than others. If anybody reads this post, you should let me know what you think about this.
I hate war, and honestly I think God hates war too. However, He loves justice. He also asked the Israelites to engage in battle on many occasions. When is war right? How are we called to establish justice?
The justice of God is something I have never quite understood and I guess maybe I never will. I do know that in order for life to make sense, there has to be truth. The truth is that God gave us a choice to either choose Him or reject Him, and that has eternal consequences, both good and bad. That demonstrates both God's justice and love, since we have all rejected Him. His justice had to be satisfied, so Jesus came to die. So therefore, God's justice and truth must be linked, as well as His love.
The truth is that God loves us. That is the subject that is discussed most in church. That's nice to think about. However, there are a lot of bad things that go on in the world, like trafficking, child labor, and orphans on the street. SO MANY other things fit into this category. How do we respond to that? I know that these atrocities must anger God and He weeps for the innocent who suffer. If He loves both the abuser and the abused, then how do we be agents of God's justice to both parties?
To make it even more complicated, how do we handle genocide that occurs in other countries? Like Apartheid in South Africa and the killing of over 800,000 people in Rwanda over tribal wars? Surely it isn't right to sit by and do nothing. However, how do we decide which injustices to respond to and which to leave alone? Some people believe we would be sticking our nose where it does not belong. I don't know how you pick your fights, because if I see someone hurting someone else, I might see it as my responsibility to intervene.
I'd better figure out where I stand on these issues, especially since my calling is to work with orphans in central Africa. I know that I hate war. However, I also hate it when someone who has the power to help stands by and watches the innocent suffer. Some situations are easier to deal with than others. If anybody reads this post, you should let me know what you think about this.
Thoughts About Family
So I had Starbucks with my friend Leslie this morning, and we started talking about something that I wanted to think about further. We were discussing the kinds of traditions we desire for our future families and the ways we want to raise our children. I have thought some about this, and how I want to raise my children a little more counter cultural than most people in the U.S....
Obviously, I don’t know who I’m going to marry, or if I will get married, but since this is based on having children and that requires a second party, I’m going to pursue the hypothetical and say that I did marry someone that enjoys thinking outside of the box like I do. If I could raise my children completely “my way”...this is how I would do it.
Christmas would look very different. We would celebrate the season of Advent together, talking about the significance of all the activities that went on during the birth of Christ in a longer time frame than just the week of Christmas. The other big focus (which I kind of got this idea from a caller on K-LOVE) is that each member of the family would have a night that was theirs and they could choose what service project the family would do together. Maybe little Josie wants to make cookies for our neighbor. We would make the cookies and decorate them together. Maybe Hezekiah (which I would not name my child this) would like to serve in a soup kitchen or go to a nursing home and spend time with the residents, etc. We would do that together as a family. We would not receive any gifts, but spend the season together building memories and giving to those around us.
I really want to teach my children that “stuff” is not important. I want them to grow to see how they can use the gifts that they have been given to be a blessing in the world, and how to love and grow in our family and community. I want them to sharpen the skills and interests that they have. I want the focus to be on becoming who we were meant to be, not passing the time and waiting to grow up. I think so many kids spend so many hours in front of the TV watching cartoons and shows, and though as a babysitter I am thankful for movies, I want my kids to grow up being active in the world and believing that they can truly make a difference.
Maybe I’m weird, but I would be completely open to not even owning a TV. This sounds so strange, because I own so many movies, but as I have been refocusing my life during this Lent time, I have seen so much how I have fallen in love with life away from watching movies. I have discovered things that I love to do, skills that I have, and ways that I can serve God and connect with Him. I want my kids to grow up outside, learning about God’s creation and maintaining a child-like wonder at the beauty of God. I want to give them opportunities to be creative and to think big. I want them to dream, to fall in love with God’s dreams, and make them happen.
This little essay is so disorganized because I am just writing as I am thinking. Since I have not watched movies or TV, I have enjoyed life so much more. I have discovered things that I would so much rather do with my time. I love photography and trying to capture in just a small way the beauty of God. I love writing and sharing the things that God is teaching me. I love sitting by the lakeside and watching the ducks swim in the water. I love relaxing on the dock and watching the sun set over the railroad tracks and see the colors reflect off the water. I love sitting in the dark and looking at the moon and listening for the gentle whisper of God. I want my kids to know what it’s like to live life like this. I want them to see my love and passion for God in the way I live my life. I also don’t want them to fall into the trap that they need to be busy every second of every day to make their lives matter. The most important thing we could ever learn is how to just “be” in God’s presence, and spending time with Him is a more valuable way to spend our time then constantly moving up the ladder to be successful.
I think sometimes too as parents, we (I say we even though I don’t have kids) tend to move toward what is easy, because life is hard and exhausting and when we have a full-time job, all we want to do when we get home is collapse. I truly believe though, and I want to live this with my life, that when I have kids, to see them as a gift from God, and that He is entrusting me with these little “people” to not only teach them how to live, but also how to become who God created them to be. Every child is born with a unique personality and a unique set of gifts. I see in so many ways how I am so different from my parents. Sometimes I wonder how that happens. However, I want to give my children the freedom to discover what they love, to sharpen their talents, and to find their place in the world. I want to raise them to have responsibility and maturity, but not impose my own ideas about who they should become. If my kid does not like bowling, then I will not make them bowl. If they really like acting, then I will help them find ways to be in drama clubs and plays. I’m probably just talking off the wall, but this is my blog, so I guess I’m allowed to. You can stop reading anytime you want to.
Most of all, I want to teach my children the value of falling in love with God. I don’t want to simply train them to go to church on Sundays. I want to show through my life how to live in relationship with Him, to be obedient to Him, how to hear His voice and follow His leading. I want to teach them how to be leaders if that is their gift, or how to serve God behind the scenes if that is who they were made to be. Through any activity that we do as a family, I want to show them that they are not only a valuable part of our family, but also a valuable part of the Kingdom of God, and even as a young child, they have a place in His family.
Ok...that’s the end of my ranting. Just some very disorganized and interesting thoughts I’m having today.
Monday, March 7, 2011
The Passion of My Heart
I have been having a really hard time lately. I don't even know how to explain the struggle, except to say that I am reevaluating a lot of things in my life. What is really important to me? What is the passion of my heart?
You want to know the thing that breaks my heart every day? Well, if you don't, stop reading now.
It breaks my heart that there are children in the world that do not have a family. When I was in South Africa, I learned that there are children that live even in the graveyards, and because they do not have a birth certificate, the government does not know they exist. No child deserves to live like that. Every child should know what it's like to have a mom and dad, to have shelter and food and to know God's love. That has been the cry of my heart for years. I want to give those children a home, to show them that they are so loved by God, and they have a future and hope in Him.
Call me crazy. Call me a dreamer, I don't care. I'm just being honest. I cannot express how deeply my passion for dedicating my life to orphan care really is.
So I have been thinking a lot about the things that I have allowed to take priority in my life. A good object lesson is my apartment. I have SO MUCH STUFF, mostly because I never take the time to go through stuff and organize or decide what I really need. My place looks like I'm a hoarder, not because I keep everything that "might be useful someday", but because I literally don't care about things. I've realized that if I don't need something, then I need to get rid of it. If my apartment resembled how I really feel about stuff, it would be pretty empty. Seems hilarious to some people who figured this out at age 3, but that is something I am working on.
I have also been evaluating why I am so busy and why I feel the constant need to say yes to everything someone asks of me. I have not prioritized my time well, and I have worked God into little slots in my life instead of making Him my life. So when He becomes the focus and the highest priority in my life, how will the way I spend my time look different?
And what kind of boxes have I put God in? Growing up in the Church of the Nazarene, going to a Nazarene college, working at a Nazarene church, going through ordination classes in the Church of the Nazarene...have I been building my entire idea of the Church around the Nazarene church or around the Kingdom of God? I love my church and my denomination and they have "raised" me well. However, I don't want to miss God in all this church. Is it preposterous for me to even say this?
Have I been living in my own understanding of how God is going to fulfill His call in my life? I'm a planner, and like chess, my mind is always 3 steps ahead. Have I put words in the mouth of God? Am I shutting the door in His face by not considering that maybe He thinks a little more unconventionally than I do? I don't want to miss Him. This time has been excruciating, because I can't even fathom the next step. I have to be patient and wait for God to speak and lead me where He desires. I am not handling it well to say the least. He's really working on me, and I'm finding He has a lot of work left to do, because in a lot of ways I'm a mess.
So in all of this, all the uncertainty and cloudiness in the future, I have to say this: What I desire more than ANYTHING is to serve God and to love Him with everything I am. I want to see the world as He does and to be used by Him in whatever way He desires and leads. I want this more than my dreams and goals. I want this more than my comfort and safety. I have one life to live and I choose to give it to Him, praying that He will honor the desire of my heart to serve Him. He is my everything and all that I live for. Whatever the next step is, I pray that God will keep my heart purely devoted to Him.
I want to be in a place where I am actively serving God and using the gifts and talents He gave me to glorify Him. I am praying that if this place is not here, He will lead me to wherever that is. If that place is here, I pray He will give me the passion for the work and open up opportunities for me to glorify Him where I am. Waiting on God to speak is hard, especially when my heart is restless and discontent. I want to be responsible and wise, and for my actions in everything to resemble God's love and presence. I am praying that He gives me the grace to do that, whatever the outcome.
So these are my thoughts. This is me being honest. At this point, I'm trusting God to honor my transparency. I don't know what He wants for me right now. It's a little scary, especially for someone who likes to have it all figured out and thought she did. However, when I sense that God is gearing up to speak to me, I have to listen. I don't want to miss all that He has planned for my life. I want to lose myself in His Kingdom. He is the passion of my heart above all else. Please pray for me through these difficult days.
You want to know the thing that breaks my heart every day? Well, if you don't, stop reading now.
It breaks my heart that there are children in the world that do not have a family. When I was in South Africa, I learned that there are children that live even in the graveyards, and because they do not have a birth certificate, the government does not know they exist. No child deserves to live like that. Every child should know what it's like to have a mom and dad, to have shelter and food and to know God's love. That has been the cry of my heart for years. I want to give those children a home, to show them that they are so loved by God, and they have a future and hope in Him.
Call me crazy. Call me a dreamer, I don't care. I'm just being honest. I cannot express how deeply my passion for dedicating my life to orphan care really is.
So I have been thinking a lot about the things that I have allowed to take priority in my life. A good object lesson is my apartment. I have SO MUCH STUFF, mostly because I never take the time to go through stuff and organize or decide what I really need. My place looks like I'm a hoarder, not because I keep everything that "might be useful someday", but because I literally don't care about things. I've realized that if I don't need something, then I need to get rid of it. If my apartment resembled how I really feel about stuff, it would be pretty empty. Seems hilarious to some people who figured this out at age 3, but that is something I am working on.
I have also been evaluating why I am so busy and why I feel the constant need to say yes to everything someone asks of me. I have not prioritized my time well, and I have worked God into little slots in my life instead of making Him my life. So when He becomes the focus and the highest priority in my life, how will the way I spend my time look different?
And what kind of boxes have I put God in? Growing up in the Church of the Nazarene, going to a Nazarene college, working at a Nazarene church, going through ordination classes in the Church of the Nazarene...have I been building my entire idea of the Church around the Nazarene church or around the Kingdom of God? I love my church and my denomination and they have "raised" me well. However, I don't want to miss God in all this church. Is it preposterous for me to even say this?
Have I been living in my own understanding of how God is going to fulfill His call in my life? I'm a planner, and like chess, my mind is always 3 steps ahead. Have I put words in the mouth of God? Am I shutting the door in His face by not considering that maybe He thinks a little more unconventionally than I do? I don't want to miss Him. This time has been excruciating, because I can't even fathom the next step. I have to be patient and wait for God to speak and lead me where He desires. I am not handling it well to say the least. He's really working on me, and I'm finding He has a lot of work left to do, because in a lot of ways I'm a mess.
So in all of this, all the uncertainty and cloudiness in the future, I have to say this: What I desire more than ANYTHING is to serve God and to love Him with everything I am. I want to see the world as He does and to be used by Him in whatever way He desires and leads. I want this more than my dreams and goals. I want this more than my comfort and safety. I have one life to live and I choose to give it to Him, praying that He will honor the desire of my heart to serve Him. He is my everything and all that I live for. Whatever the next step is, I pray that God will keep my heart purely devoted to Him.
I want to be in a place where I am actively serving God and using the gifts and talents He gave me to glorify Him. I am praying that if this place is not here, He will lead me to wherever that is. If that place is here, I pray He will give me the passion for the work and open up opportunities for me to glorify Him where I am. Waiting on God to speak is hard, especially when my heart is restless and discontent. I want to be responsible and wise, and for my actions in everything to resemble God's love and presence. I am praying that He gives me the grace to do that, whatever the outcome.
So these are my thoughts. This is me being honest. At this point, I'm trusting God to honor my transparency. I don't know what He wants for me right now. It's a little scary, especially for someone who likes to have it all figured out and thought she did. However, when I sense that God is gearing up to speak to me, I have to listen. I don't want to miss all that He has planned for my life. I want to lose myself in His Kingdom. He is the passion of my heart above all else. Please pray for me through these difficult days.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I Skipped Church to Spend Time With God
So today I'm skipping church to spend time with God. I used to think that God tamed the wild hearts as they matured. However, I am learning, as C.S. Lewis puts it: "He is not a tame lion." God is crazy wild, and the closer I get to Him, the wilder my heart becomes. This inevitably causes those around me to question my sanity. That's ok, because I follow God, not my spiritual mentors, my church or my friends. They all have their place and importance, but I find sometimes I get sucked into the reality that I can see and touch and feel, and I lose touch with the eternal reality of the soul. God's voice becomes fainter and fainter as I hear all the other voices around me.
So I am learning how to use wisdom in how I manage this wild heart. However, I am trying to tune into God's wisdom, and it might not make sense to those around me. For a person who has lived to please everybody else, this is a hard concept. I wind up disappointing the people whose support I want the most. However, whose support do I really desire? My family and friends or God? It's all nice and rosy for the first part of the journey when it's one and the same. Do I have the strength to stand against those I love in order to follow what I believe to be God's will? Could I really leave behind some things that have become my comfort zone? I believe that maybe following God is a lot bigger and farther reaching than I had imagined it to be.
Today I put down one of my devotionals for good. I have felt this whole year it was saying the same thing over and over, and today I realized the source of my frustration. The devotional revolved around the idea that God is out for our best interests, and we need to trust through the hard times that He is in control. This statement is mostly true, but what we "westerners" sometimes lose sight of is this: IT IS NOT ABOUT US.
So what is this life about? We cling to verses like Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." This verse is true, but that leads us to ask the question: What is the GOOD this verse is talking about? Reading Paul's work is beneficial, but sometimes we read Paul more than we read Jesus' words, mostly because Paul is a little easier to understand. Quite honestly, some of the stuff Jesus said really disturbs me.
Matthew chapter 10 puts me on edge. It makes me question the beautifully wrapped present of "Jesus loves me, so He died that I can live with Him forever." I have often wondered why the message of Jesus' love is so offensive to so many people, that they would go to the extreme of killing Christians just to shut them up. As I watched the Passion of the Christ yesterday, it started to become clear.
It's about a whole 'nother Kingdom, the Kingdom of God. They didn't kill Jesus because He loved them. Most people appreciate it when someone loves them. They killed Him because He was establishing a new Kingdom and was attacking the one that was in power. The Pharisees and Teachers of the Law were at the center of Jesus' criticism. The truth is sometimes hard to believe and accept, especially when it's in direct opposition to the truth you have chosen to believe and follow.
However, it was not a battle between Jesus and the Pharisees. It was a battle between God and Satan, good and evil. There is so much going on in the world behind the scenes. Things aren't always as they seem to be, and although we want to ignore the forces at work around us, to be a part of the Kingdom of God requires us to be armed and ready for battle. The weapons of God are necessary, because whether we want to believe it or not, we are standing on the battlefield and war is raging around us.
You see, Jesus didn't come to die for us just to make us feel good. He came to pay the penalty for us choosing to be a part of the kingdom of sin. Everyone who has ever lived has made a decision against God's Kingdom and has been a part of the other. Jesus was the only man who had never chosen to join the kingdom of the world, so His sacrifice and victory through His resurrection gives us the opportunity to come back to the Kingdom that we were created to be a part of. He wants to restore what was broken. So the battle begins.
The lies of Satan vary with each one of us, but they are very real and threaten to consume our lives. He wants to render us powerless. If he can disconnect us from our purpose and the image of God in which we were made, then he has won the victory in our lives. God, however, tells us we are made for so much more. In our weakness before Him, He makes us strong and fit for battle in His Kingdom until all things are made right someday. The battle is eternally important because many of the people we see every day are buying into the lies of Satan and are held captive by him. God has called and is conditioning us to be agents of His Kingdom and His Spirit.
So why did I question the word GOOD in Romans 8:28? Well, I am discovering that we are not the best judges of what is GOOD for us. We think of being healthy or safe or rich as GOOD things, but God isn't about OUR purposes. Romans 8:28 says that we are called according to HIS purpose. Matthew 10:24-25a says, "A student is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master. It is enough for the student to be like his teacher, and the servant like his master." We need to understand that we serve God, not the other way around.
What is GOOD for us is to be one in Spirit with God, to be like our Teacher and Master. He created us for a purpose, and it is GOOD for us to carry out that purpose in every way. It is all about the KINGDOM OF GOD. It is about HIS glory. It is about HIM. When we truly grasp what this is about, well "Goodbye Ordinary" as MercyMe would say. We are in for a ride.
So as you consider whether you will be a part of the Kingdom of God or the kingdom of the world, count the cost. When you follow God, it WILL cost you everything. It may even cost you your life, which may not seem very GOOD. I have the best news for you though: Jesus says in Matthew 10:39: "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Choosing the kingdom of the world will also cost you everything, but it will cost you an eternity of the GOOD that God is offering you. There is no neutral team. It is one or the other. Therefore, "choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...but as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15b,d
So I am learning how to use wisdom in how I manage this wild heart. However, I am trying to tune into God's wisdom, and it might not make sense to those around me. For a person who has lived to please everybody else, this is a hard concept. I wind up disappointing the people whose support I want the most. However, whose support do I really desire? My family and friends or God? It's all nice and rosy for the first part of the journey when it's one and the same. Do I have the strength to stand against those I love in order to follow what I believe to be God's will? Could I really leave behind some things that have become my comfort zone? I believe that maybe following God is a lot bigger and farther reaching than I had imagined it to be.
Today I put down one of my devotionals for good. I have felt this whole year it was saying the same thing over and over, and today I realized the source of my frustration. The devotional revolved around the idea that God is out for our best interests, and we need to trust through the hard times that He is in control. This statement is mostly true, but what we "westerners" sometimes lose sight of is this: IT IS NOT ABOUT US.
So what is this life about? We cling to verses like Romans 8:28: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." This verse is true, but that leads us to ask the question: What is the GOOD this verse is talking about? Reading Paul's work is beneficial, but sometimes we read Paul more than we read Jesus' words, mostly because Paul is a little easier to understand. Quite honestly, some of the stuff Jesus said really disturbs me.
Matthew chapter 10 puts me on edge. It makes me question the beautifully wrapped present of "Jesus loves me, so He died that I can live with Him forever." I have often wondered why the message of Jesus' love is so offensive to so many people, that they would go to the extreme of killing Christians just to shut them up. As I watched the Passion of the Christ yesterday, it started to become clear.
It's about a whole 'nother Kingdom, the Kingdom of God. They didn't kill Jesus because He loved them. Most people appreciate it when someone loves them. They killed Him because He was establishing a new Kingdom and was attacking the one that was in power. The Pharisees and Teachers of the Law were at the center of Jesus' criticism. The truth is sometimes hard to believe and accept, especially when it's in direct opposition to the truth you have chosen to believe and follow.
However, it was not a battle between Jesus and the Pharisees. It was a battle between God and Satan, good and evil. There is so much going on in the world behind the scenes. Things aren't always as they seem to be, and although we want to ignore the forces at work around us, to be a part of the Kingdom of God requires us to be armed and ready for battle. The weapons of God are necessary, because whether we want to believe it or not, we are standing on the battlefield and war is raging around us.
You see, Jesus didn't come to die for us just to make us feel good. He came to pay the penalty for us choosing to be a part of the kingdom of sin. Everyone who has ever lived has made a decision against God's Kingdom and has been a part of the other. Jesus was the only man who had never chosen to join the kingdom of the world, so His sacrifice and victory through His resurrection gives us the opportunity to come back to the Kingdom that we were created to be a part of. He wants to restore what was broken. So the battle begins.
The lies of Satan vary with each one of us, but they are very real and threaten to consume our lives. He wants to render us powerless. If he can disconnect us from our purpose and the image of God in which we were made, then he has won the victory in our lives. God, however, tells us we are made for so much more. In our weakness before Him, He makes us strong and fit for battle in His Kingdom until all things are made right someday. The battle is eternally important because many of the people we see every day are buying into the lies of Satan and are held captive by him. God has called and is conditioning us to be agents of His Kingdom and His Spirit.
So why did I question the word GOOD in Romans 8:28? Well, I am discovering that we are not the best judges of what is GOOD for us. We think of being healthy or safe or rich as GOOD things, but God isn't about OUR purposes. Romans 8:28 says that we are called according to HIS purpose. Matthew 10:24-25a says, "A student is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master. It is enough for the student to be like his teacher, and the servant like his master." We need to understand that we serve God, not the other way around.
What is GOOD for us is to be one in Spirit with God, to be like our Teacher and Master. He created us for a purpose, and it is GOOD for us to carry out that purpose in every way. It is all about the KINGDOM OF GOD. It is about HIS glory. It is about HIM. When we truly grasp what this is about, well "Goodbye Ordinary" as MercyMe would say. We are in for a ride.
So as you consider whether you will be a part of the Kingdom of God or the kingdom of the world, count the cost. When you follow God, it WILL cost you everything. It may even cost you your life, which may not seem very GOOD. I have the best news for you though: Jesus says in Matthew 10:39: "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Choosing the kingdom of the world will also cost you everything, but it will cost you an eternity of the GOOD that God is offering you. There is no neutral team. It is one or the other. Therefore, "choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...but as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15b,d
Saturday, March 5, 2011
What Is the Kingdom of God?
I am just overwhelmed by how AMAZING God is. He is SO big and wonderful and good and powerful and oh my goodness-I can't wrap my mind around the fact that this INCREDIBLE God would put on skin and pay the penalty that OUR actions have deserved, satisfying HIS OWN justice, the very thing that holds everything together.
And what is this KINGDOM OF GOD? It's like a mustard seed that became a huge tree or a little yeast working its way through the whole batch of dough. It is this pearl of great price that is worth selling everything to have. It is backwards and upside down. It is the irony of ironies that the Kingdom of God is so big and complex that all the knowledge in the world cannot even fathom yet the faith of a child is required to be a part of it. It is a farmer sowing seed along the path. It is the greatest becoming the least, the God of all becoming a servant to man. It is the towel and the basin. It is humility over pride. It is surprising and important that what we do means nothing yet following God requires everything. What has God entrusted to us? HIS KINGDOM, and it is advancing and living and active.
Wow! What in the WORLD is this box that I have put God and His Kingdom in? He fits nicely in three songs and a sermon and a night serving soup at the homeless shelter. Or does He? Maybe I'll be radical and give a large sum of money to the missions fund. There, now I am a part of the Kingdom.
Who am I kidding? Well, maybe I'll dedicate my life to missionary service or to be a pastor. Maybe I'll even be imprisoned and die for His name. That will make me a part of the Kingdom for sure.
But is the Kingdom of God really about SACRIFICE? It is said many times in the Bible, "I desire mercy not sacrifice." and "To obey is better than sacrifice." If sacrifice has been our ultimate measure of someone's committment to the Kingdom, then maybe we are missing the point.
You see the Kingdom of God cannot be measured, and it cannot be fit around our own ideas of it. The Kingdom of God already is and is also coming. There is something inherently dangerous about even speaking about the Kingdom of God. It is a reality that surpasses all realities and will last through eternity while the reality we live in will pass away. Do we think we understand it? We are only kidding ourselves. It's no wonder Jesus says we need to be "born again." When we become a part of the Kingdom of God, we are entering another reality, where "the wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going." (John 3:8) A picture that I have of the Kingdom of God is the East Australian Current (EAC) from Finding Nemo. It is there, it is moving. I'm jumping in.
God is "blowing me away" with all of this. It's like the Bible is completely rewritten for me. I always skipped over the Kingdom of God parts because I didn't understand it. However, I am discovering that this is why it is SO AMAZING.
And what is this KINGDOM OF GOD? It's like a mustard seed that became a huge tree or a little yeast working its way through the whole batch of dough. It is this pearl of great price that is worth selling everything to have. It is backwards and upside down. It is the irony of ironies that the Kingdom of God is so big and complex that all the knowledge in the world cannot even fathom yet the faith of a child is required to be a part of it. It is a farmer sowing seed along the path. It is the greatest becoming the least, the God of all becoming a servant to man. It is the towel and the basin. It is humility over pride. It is surprising and important that what we do means nothing yet following God requires everything. What has God entrusted to us? HIS KINGDOM, and it is advancing and living and active.
Wow! What in the WORLD is this box that I have put God and His Kingdom in? He fits nicely in three songs and a sermon and a night serving soup at the homeless shelter. Or does He? Maybe I'll be radical and give a large sum of money to the missions fund. There, now I am a part of the Kingdom.
Who am I kidding? Well, maybe I'll dedicate my life to missionary service or to be a pastor. Maybe I'll even be imprisoned and die for His name. That will make me a part of the Kingdom for sure.
But is the Kingdom of God really about SACRIFICE? It is said many times in the Bible, "I desire mercy not sacrifice." and "To obey is better than sacrifice." If sacrifice has been our ultimate measure of someone's committment to the Kingdom, then maybe we are missing the point.
You see the Kingdom of God cannot be measured, and it cannot be fit around our own ideas of it. The Kingdom of God already is and is also coming. There is something inherently dangerous about even speaking about the Kingdom of God. It is a reality that surpasses all realities and will last through eternity while the reality we live in will pass away. Do we think we understand it? We are only kidding ourselves. It's no wonder Jesus says we need to be "born again." When we become a part of the Kingdom of God, we are entering another reality, where "the wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going." (John 3:8) A picture that I have of the Kingdom of God is the East Australian Current (EAC) from Finding Nemo. It is there, it is moving. I'm jumping in.
God is "blowing me away" with all of this. It's like the Bible is completely rewritten for me. I always skipped over the Kingdom of God parts because I didn't understand it. However, I am discovering that this is why it is SO AMAZING.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Seeking the Kingdom
I have been dealing with a lot of restlessness lately. Anybody who has been in ministry understands this feeling. I know that God is working on my heart and is preparing me for the next step. I have been trying to stick close to Him and listen.
I have been wrestling with this concept of the Kingdom of God. I struggle to wrap my mind around what that is. When I went to lunch with my cousin today, he told me what I sensed that God had been telling me all along: "What is the Kingdom of God?" is the most important question we could ever ask. It is more important than our success, our families, or even ourselves. It is more important than our desires, safety, or comfort. How we participate in the Kingdom of God is the purpose of our lives.
I have been engaging some people that I trust on this subject to try to understand what the Kingdom of God is. I am diving into the Scripture, because that is basically the whole point that Scripture is trying to make. It is the message of God, the Good News for everyone: that we can be a part of SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Please stay tuned for more thoughts on this subject.
I want to be a part of the Kingdom of God and I refuse to settle for anything less. Jesus compares it to a lot of things, and one of them being a pearl of great price that a man sold everything to buy. I want God's will to be worth my everything. I want to be willing to sacrifice what I think I "need" for Kingdom purposes, because the Kingdom of God is not about ME. It is about SO MUCH MORE.
God is speaking to me. I am doing my best to listen and be obedient. Please pray for me as I try to discern God's direction and plan for the next step of my life. Also, if you have not wrestled with this topic before, I invite you to please journey with me! There is no greater subject to talk about.
I have been wrestling with this concept of the Kingdom of God. I struggle to wrap my mind around what that is. When I went to lunch with my cousin today, he told me what I sensed that God had been telling me all along: "What is the Kingdom of God?" is the most important question we could ever ask. It is more important than our success, our families, or even ourselves. It is more important than our desires, safety, or comfort. How we participate in the Kingdom of God is the purpose of our lives.
I have been engaging some people that I trust on this subject to try to understand what the Kingdom of God is. I am diving into the Scripture, because that is basically the whole point that Scripture is trying to make. It is the message of God, the Good News for everyone: that we can be a part of SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Please stay tuned for more thoughts on this subject.
I want to be a part of the Kingdom of God and I refuse to settle for anything less. Jesus compares it to a lot of things, and one of them being a pearl of great price that a man sold everything to buy. I want God's will to be worth my everything. I want to be willing to sacrifice what I think I "need" for Kingdom purposes, because the Kingdom of God is not about ME. It is about SO MUCH MORE.
God is speaking to me. I am doing my best to listen and be obedient. Please pray for me as I try to discern God's direction and plan for the next step of my life. Also, if you have not wrestled with this topic before, I invite you to please journey with me! There is no greater subject to talk about.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I'm Lenting With A Purpose
The topic of Lent is an interesting one, and I don't claim to know a whole lot about it. It is one of my goals to learn its purpose and origin over the next few weeks. One of the MAJOR weaknesses of the Evangelical church is that we aren't taught much about church history and tradition, and that is a shame! I have thoroughly enjoyed my time at Catholic churches, because even in the little bit that I have learned, my faith has grown so much richer by participating with the Body of Christ in the traditions of the Church.
A time of the year that holds so many possibilities for growth is Lent, and so often we give up candy or coffee for 40 days, and everyone around us suffers until Easter. We end the days grateful to once again have that substance we love, totally missing the point.
This year I have decided to take my personal Lenten season to a whole new level than I have before, and I am sharing this with you, and posting my thoughts in this blog as accountability. I hope that you will be blessed.
As I have looked over my life, the one MAJOR thing that stands in the way of my relationship with God is my being busy. I have a tendency to say "yes" to every little invitation, and before I know it, it's 11:30pm, I haven't spent time with God, and I couldn't stay awake if I wanted. God is crowded out as every little activity is crowded in, and I am exhausted, drained, and discontented with my life. I am starting to realize that I have been living in a lose-lose situation.
For Lent, I have decided to FOCUS. I am going to focus on spending time with Him: listening, growing, reading, praying, becoming, etc. I want to tune out the other voices of "you SHOULD do this" to learn to discern God's voice in what He is asking of me. Ministry opportunities are all around us, and those of us with servants' hearts unconsciously fall into the trap of feeling the responsibility to single-handedly change the world. However, being part of the Body of Christ means learning how to be a team player with others, encouraging those around to take part, and truly playing the role that God created us to play. I realized that my "savior" mentality was standing in the way of obeying God over all the other "good" voices out there. Like I know the voice of my friend when she calls me on the phone, I want to be able to recognize God's voice in the crowd and follow Him first and foremost.
I have also committed to focus on building deeper relationships with those around me that sharpen me in my walk with God. Because I am always so busy, I know A LOT of people, but only VERY FEW people well. If the idea of community was so important to God, then it needs to be important to me too. There is so much joy that comes from deeply loving others and being deeply loved that I have been missing out on.
I really desire that this time will set a pattern for my life in developing boundaries and using my hours and days well. I don't want to fill my days with activities that only wear me out and make me wonder where my life has gone. I want to live life as it was intended, to the fullest, and with Divine purpose. I see my schedule as my weakness and something that needs to be seriously evaluated.
Please don't be offended if you want to go to the movies with me in the next few weeks and I say, "No." I do not see this time as a meaningless activity, and I am not cutting these things out of my life forever. I am attempting to refocus my time, tune in to the voice of God, and learn how to make the most of the activities I choose to do with my time so that in the future my life will be balanced, consistantly watered, and full of purpose.
Please feel free to join me on this journey, and share your thoughts and stories about Lent as well. Let's dive into this together!
A time of the year that holds so many possibilities for growth is Lent, and so often we give up candy or coffee for 40 days, and everyone around us suffers until Easter. We end the days grateful to once again have that substance we love, totally missing the point.
This year I have decided to take my personal Lenten season to a whole new level than I have before, and I am sharing this with you, and posting my thoughts in this blog as accountability. I hope that you will be blessed.
As I have looked over my life, the one MAJOR thing that stands in the way of my relationship with God is my being busy. I have a tendency to say "yes" to every little invitation, and before I know it, it's 11:30pm, I haven't spent time with God, and I couldn't stay awake if I wanted. God is crowded out as every little activity is crowded in, and I am exhausted, drained, and discontented with my life. I am starting to realize that I have been living in a lose-lose situation.
For Lent, I have decided to FOCUS. I am going to focus on spending time with Him: listening, growing, reading, praying, becoming, etc. I want to tune out the other voices of "you SHOULD do this" to learn to discern God's voice in what He is asking of me. Ministry opportunities are all around us, and those of us with servants' hearts unconsciously fall into the trap of feeling the responsibility to single-handedly change the world. However, being part of the Body of Christ means learning how to be a team player with others, encouraging those around to take part, and truly playing the role that God created us to play. I realized that my "savior" mentality was standing in the way of obeying God over all the other "good" voices out there. Like I know the voice of my friend when she calls me on the phone, I want to be able to recognize God's voice in the crowd and follow Him first and foremost.
I have also committed to focus on building deeper relationships with those around me that sharpen me in my walk with God. Because I am always so busy, I know A LOT of people, but only VERY FEW people well. If the idea of community was so important to God, then it needs to be important to me too. There is so much joy that comes from deeply loving others and being deeply loved that I have been missing out on.
I really desire that this time will set a pattern for my life in developing boundaries and using my hours and days well. I don't want to fill my days with activities that only wear me out and make me wonder where my life has gone. I want to live life as it was intended, to the fullest, and with Divine purpose. I see my schedule as my weakness and something that needs to be seriously evaluated.
Please don't be offended if you want to go to the movies with me in the next few weeks and I say, "No." I do not see this time as a meaningless activity, and I am not cutting these things out of my life forever. I am attempting to refocus my time, tune in to the voice of God, and learn how to make the most of the activities I choose to do with my time so that in the future my life will be balanced, consistantly watered, and full of purpose.
Please feel free to join me on this journey, and share your thoughts and stories about Lent as well. Let's dive into this together!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Who I Want To Be
Today I have really been nudged by God to evaluate where I am and who I want to be in Him. I think the thing that I am most afraid of is becoming comfortable or complacent in my walk with God. I don't want to come to the point where a day is just another day. On the contrary, I want to see every day as an opportunity for living this great adventure in the presence of God. I want my relationship to be vibrant, active and contagious, and I want to always be open to His interruptions.
Although there are certain things I would like to have, like the gifts of organization and hospitality, that is not how God made me. More than anything, I want to be who God created me to be, and I recognize that I cannot become that person without opening my heart completely to the work of the Holy Spirit. I want Him to have total control of my life, that He might transform me to be more like Himself.
Several months ago, I sat down and wrote out a list of characteristics that I prayed God would develop in me. I recently read over the list and decided I wanted to share this list, but also expand it.
I want to be a woman who is:
-Full of the Holy Spirit
-Courageous no matter what life throws at her, choosing to be strong in the knowledge that in the end all pain and fear and sorrow and tears will be vanquished forever
-Transparent about her struggles and weaknesses so that God can speak without hindrance to those around her
-Obedient to God no matter where He takes her or how much she doesn't like it
-Joyful through the good times and bad
-Patient through uncertainty and suffering
-Victorious in her attitude because God not only has won the victory over evil in the end, but also today. He is stronger than any enemy.
-Passionate about life and loving others
-Connected in every way to God's heart and how He loves every person in the world. She shows no prejudice or preference but truly sees through God's eyes.
-Brave to try new things or to work hard at something that does not come naturally
-Content with what she has and who she is created to be
-Drawn to those who are hurting and makes it her life story to show them hope from the One who is our hope
-Perceiving of things that are not as they seem
-Wise in every decision made, every word spoken, and every thought conceived
-Fun and sees the humor in life
-Responsible with every trust given to her
-Trustworthy in promises
-Honest in every way
-Interruptible to respond to the needs of others
-Becoming always more like Jesus AND
-Growing always into the purposes and vision for which God created her
Wow. Now that is the ultimate woman, right? I think most of us would agree that we'd like to be this description, but what an impossible goal! I would agree that this is impossible if we take it upon ourselves to become this woman of integrity.
Let us suppose for a moment that it is possible to display these characteristics. Actually, I know it is possible, because I have known a few people who have. How do we do it? Well, let us shift our focus a little bit.
Galatians 5:22-23a says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
No doubt we could come close to quoting this from memory (maybe not all of us in order). I used to take this list and one by one set these characteristics as goals to develop in my life. Eventually, I grew frustrated because the more I wanted joy, the harder life became and the more I tried to be patient, the more the irritating things started coming into my day. I was fighting a losing battle.
I then took a much closer look at the verse and saw it said these things are the fruit of the Spirit. It doesn't say they are the seed of the Spirit. Fruit comes as a result of a tree growing big as it is watered and cared for. We are the tree, dependent on the life-giving water of God to survive. God created us to bear fruit, and the more we tap into God's living water, the better that fruit will be. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are a natural result when a relationship with God is active and vibrant. Therefore, our focus is not on the fruit, but on the Spirit who gives the tree life.
Psalm 1:1-3 says:
"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on His law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."
I want to be like that. I want my delight to be in God. I want to be constantly watered by His streams of life. So many times I have run so hard for so long that I have grown tired and become discouraged. However,the author of Psalm 1 says that a tree that is watered constantly by the streams of life has no withered leaves and produces "fruit" in season, at the exact time that God desires.
Who has God created you to be? What kind of fruit is your life bearing now?
I want to be a woman of integrity. Although I am not there yet, I deeply desire that the characteristics mentioned earlier will define who I am at all times and in all ways. This is only possible by seeking after God with all my heart as I delight myself in Him every day. I pray that the fruit of my life will be rich and life-giving to all those around me. I want to invite others to come over, that they may "taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8a)."
This is who I want to be. As this journey of seeking the heart of God continues, this is my pledge:
"I will sing to the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
May my meditation be pleasing to him,
as I rejoice in the Lord (Psalm 104:33-34)."
Although there are certain things I would like to have, like the gifts of organization and hospitality, that is not how God made me. More than anything, I want to be who God created me to be, and I recognize that I cannot become that person without opening my heart completely to the work of the Holy Spirit. I want Him to have total control of my life, that He might transform me to be more like Himself.
Several months ago, I sat down and wrote out a list of characteristics that I prayed God would develop in me. I recently read over the list and decided I wanted to share this list, but also expand it.
I want to be a woman who is:
-Full of the Holy Spirit
-Courageous no matter what life throws at her, choosing to be strong in the knowledge that in the end all pain and fear and sorrow and tears will be vanquished forever
-Transparent about her struggles and weaknesses so that God can speak without hindrance to those around her
-Obedient to God no matter where He takes her or how much she doesn't like it
-Joyful through the good times and bad
-Patient through uncertainty and suffering
-Victorious in her attitude because God not only has won the victory over evil in the end, but also today. He is stronger than any enemy.
-Passionate about life and loving others
-Connected in every way to God's heart and how He loves every person in the world. She shows no prejudice or preference but truly sees through God's eyes.
-Brave to try new things or to work hard at something that does not come naturally
-Content with what she has and who she is created to be
-Drawn to those who are hurting and makes it her life story to show them hope from the One who is our hope
-Perceiving of things that are not as they seem
-Wise in every decision made, every word spoken, and every thought conceived
-Fun and sees the humor in life
-Responsible with every trust given to her
-Trustworthy in promises
-Honest in every way
-Interruptible to respond to the needs of others
-Becoming always more like Jesus AND
-Growing always into the purposes and vision for which God created her
Wow. Now that is the ultimate woman, right? I think most of us would agree that we'd like to be this description, but what an impossible goal! I would agree that this is impossible if we take it upon ourselves to become this woman of integrity.
Let us suppose for a moment that it is possible to display these characteristics. Actually, I know it is possible, because I have known a few people who have. How do we do it? Well, let us shift our focus a little bit.
Galatians 5:22-23a says, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
No doubt we could come close to quoting this from memory (maybe not all of us in order). I used to take this list and one by one set these characteristics as goals to develop in my life. Eventually, I grew frustrated because the more I wanted joy, the harder life became and the more I tried to be patient, the more the irritating things started coming into my day. I was fighting a losing battle.
I then took a much closer look at the verse and saw it said these things are the fruit of the Spirit. It doesn't say they are the seed of the Spirit. Fruit comes as a result of a tree growing big as it is watered and cared for. We are the tree, dependent on the life-giving water of God to survive. God created us to bear fruit, and the more we tap into God's living water, the better that fruit will be. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control are a natural result when a relationship with God is active and vibrant. Therefore, our focus is not on the fruit, but on the Spirit who gives the tree life.
Psalm 1:1-3 says:
"Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on His law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."
I want to be like that. I want my delight to be in God. I want to be constantly watered by His streams of life. So many times I have run so hard for so long that I have grown tired and become discouraged. However,the author of Psalm 1 says that a tree that is watered constantly by the streams of life has no withered leaves and produces "fruit" in season, at the exact time that God desires.
Who has God created you to be? What kind of fruit is your life bearing now?
I want to be a woman of integrity. Although I am not there yet, I deeply desire that the characteristics mentioned earlier will define who I am at all times and in all ways. This is only possible by seeking after God with all my heart as I delight myself in Him every day. I pray that the fruit of my life will be rich and life-giving to all those around me. I want to invite others to come over, that they may "taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8a)."
This is who I want to be. As this journey of seeking the heart of God continues, this is my pledge:
"I will sing to the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
May my meditation be pleasing to him,
as I rejoice in the Lord (Psalm 104:33-34)."
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
To Be Beautiful
This past weekend I cut 11 inches off my hair. My cousin also colored my hair and I experienced a pedicure for the first time in my life from an official salon. I even bought a dress and some earrings. Not one of these things (apart from the earrings) is normal for me at all, and I've always struggled with the whole concept of "a beautiful woman."
For much of my life, I believed I was ugly. I believed I was worthless and unfit. Somewhere along the line I believed a lie that threatened to consume me. My idea of beauty was whatever I was not, and it was not until last March that I learned a truth that changed my life.
I have been a "Christian" since I was 9 years old. I grew up in church. "Jesus Loves Me" was a song we sang nearly every week, but I guess I figured Jesus loved me because He had to, or because He apparently loved everybody else, and He didn't want to leave me out. Where in the world did I come up with that? However, it was so engrained in me, that it took quite a bit of work to purge that lie out of my system.
Because every girl (and I think this generalization is true) wants to be beautiful, it leads us to ask the question, "What is beauty?" We look at magazines and TV shows and see the perfect hair, body shape, and eyes and think, "Wow. What would it be like to be beautiful?" Is that really the kind of God we believe in, that He would create a few things beautiful and the rest something to despise? If God is holy and wonderful and awesome and beautiful, and if WE ALL are made in His image, then maybe our idea of the beautiful has become a little skewed. Especially for my sisters out there, I really want to share with you a timeless truth that I have learned.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
God created a masterpiece when He made you. No one else that has ever lived or will live is quite like you. He has given you a complex personality, the ability to dream, and gifts to make it happen. He believes in you more than anyone could, despite all the reasons why you believe you can't do anything. Nothing that you could ever do could take away His love for you. Even if you never love Him back or accept His love for you, He will always love you.
We can't control many of the situations that have come to us. A lot of people in the world are stuck feeling cheated by life and they live every day in this victim mentality. There is nothing that sucks the beauty out of someone like a person who is stuck in the pain of her past and cannot move on. On the other hand, there is nothing more beautiful than a person who has been through the fire and allowed God to transform her life into a true reflection of Himself. God is the very essence of beauty, and the closer we become to Him, the more we take on His characteristics of beauty as well. And might I add, this is a beauty that only grows richer over time as we grow closer to our Lord, and the years and wrinkles of time can never take it away.
A year ago this month, I was able to walk away from a 10-year battle with depression. God truly healed me from a pain that ran so deep that I could not imagine living without it. Since then, it has been a journey of learning how to discern between the lies that I have always believed about myself and the truth that God has spoken over my life that He loves me. God loves ME? Why would He do that? The only thing I'm good at is messing things up...or so I thought and have always believed. God's love breaking through in my life has truly made the difference in showing me how God sees me, and consequently how He sees those around me. Going through all this has taught me how easy it is to believe the ugly lies of the world and reject the beautiful truth of God.
God made you beautiful. He doesn't just want to show you how to live with the hurts of your past; He wants to heal you of the hurts of your past. He wants you to know Him, to experience life with Him, and to understand what it's like to be radically loved by Him. Take it from a girl who was picked up from the ground and lifted out of the pit of seemingly inescapable darkness: if there is anything in life worth knowing and experiencing, it is the love of God. And believe me, I would never go back. What would it take for you to accept God's love for you? God created you in His image. He created you to be beautiful. Accept the incredible gift He is offering you today and start the journey of falling in love with the Author of love. It is in Him that you truly shine.
For much of my life, I believed I was ugly. I believed I was worthless and unfit. Somewhere along the line I believed a lie that threatened to consume me. My idea of beauty was whatever I was not, and it was not until last March that I learned a truth that changed my life.
I have been a "Christian" since I was 9 years old. I grew up in church. "Jesus Loves Me" was a song we sang nearly every week, but I guess I figured Jesus loved me because He had to, or because He apparently loved everybody else, and He didn't want to leave me out. Where in the world did I come up with that? However, it was so engrained in me, that it took quite a bit of work to purge that lie out of my system.
Because every girl (and I think this generalization is true) wants to be beautiful, it leads us to ask the question, "What is beauty?" We look at magazines and TV shows and see the perfect hair, body shape, and eyes and think, "Wow. What would it be like to be beautiful?" Is that really the kind of God we believe in, that He would create a few things beautiful and the rest something to despise? If God is holy and wonderful and awesome and beautiful, and if WE ALL are made in His image, then maybe our idea of the beautiful has become a little skewed. Especially for my sisters out there, I really want to share with you a timeless truth that I have learned.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
God created a masterpiece when He made you. No one else that has ever lived or will live is quite like you. He has given you a complex personality, the ability to dream, and gifts to make it happen. He believes in you more than anyone could, despite all the reasons why you believe you can't do anything. Nothing that you could ever do could take away His love for you. Even if you never love Him back or accept His love for you, He will always love you.
We can't control many of the situations that have come to us. A lot of people in the world are stuck feeling cheated by life and they live every day in this victim mentality. There is nothing that sucks the beauty out of someone like a person who is stuck in the pain of her past and cannot move on. On the other hand, there is nothing more beautiful than a person who has been through the fire and allowed God to transform her life into a true reflection of Himself. God is the very essence of beauty, and the closer we become to Him, the more we take on His characteristics of beauty as well. And might I add, this is a beauty that only grows richer over time as we grow closer to our Lord, and the years and wrinkles of time can never take it away.
A year ago this month, I was able to walk away from a 10-year battle with depression. God truly healed me from a pain that ran so deep that I could not imagine living without it. Since then, it has been a journey of learning how to discern between the lies that I have always believed about myself and the truth that God has spoken over my life that He loves me. God loves ME? Why would He do that? The only thing I'm good at is messing things up...or so I thought and have always believed. God's love breaking through in my life has truly made the difference in showing me how God sees me, and consequently how He sees those around me. Going through all this has taught me how easy it is to believe the ugly lies of the world and reject the beautiful truth of God.
God made you beautiful. He doesn't just want to show you how to live with the hurts of your past; He wants to heal you of the hurts of your past. He wants you to know Him, to experience life with Him, and to understand what it's like to be radically loved by Him. Take it from a girl who was picked up from the ground and lifted out of the pit of seemingly inescapable darkness: if there is anything in life worth knowing and experiencing, it is the love of God. And believe me, I would never go back. What would it take for you to accept God's love for you? God created you in His image. He created you to be beautiful. Accept the incredible gift He is offering you today and start the journey of falling in love with the Author of love. It is in Him that you truly shine.
When Trust Is Hard
So I had a really rough day. It wasn't like anything bad happened. The struggle was in my spirit and peace was the last thing residing in my heart. Big decisions are coming up, and I thought I had clear direction, but now I'm not so sure.
It's amazing how quickly plans can change. I think I could handle about any change of plans that God might throw at me, if I at least knew what the change IS. It's this restlessness...this sense that something big is on the horizon, and I don't have a clue what it is that is DRIVING ME CRAZY.
Sometimes without thinking, I start to believe that my life is mine and I start making plans. Then God interrupts them, HE ALWAYS INTERRUPTS THEM and reminds me who is God after all. I gave Him my life and told Him to do whatever, and so He took my life and is doing whatever. Why in the world am I fighting Him?
I feel like I'm free falling. I am scared to death. I am at a point in my life where God could literally do ANYTHING. Am I ready?
I do not struggle to trust God when I know where He wants me to go. I know He will provide. The point when trust is hard for me is when the Great Unknown lies before me and my planning and goal-making personality is left confused and wondering what is happening. I struggle to trust God to speak to me when He desires. I struggle to wait when I feel like the time is so meaningless in between. It's the mystery of God that overwhelms my mind and heart.
As I am writing this, I remember that Francesca Battistelli has a song called Time In Between. The lyrics have totally been a message from God to me:
You were there when your Father said, "Let there be light."
You obeyed when He whispered, "Son, you have to leave tonight."
To spend nine months in a mother's womb
Three days in a borrowed tomb
But it's the time in between that brings me to my knees
Knowing You came for me, and all that I can't be
I'm amazed, so amazed and I thank You for the time in between
Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul says You're holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands for You to fill me up again
But it's the time in between that I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what You'll bring and the things that I can't see
I know my song's incomplete, still I'll sing in the time in between
So many ways Your love has saved the day
And I'm grateful for them all
But it's the time in between, the middle of two thieves that says everything
It's the reason I believe, I'm amazed, so amazed and I thank You for the time in between
Oh, Lord, I thank You for the time in between.
God, I lack the courage to trust You right now. I am struggling. I hate being lost. I hate feeling out of the loop, but You have shown me that some of the most meaningful things happen in the in between times. Help me to learn to wait on You. Help me learn how to hold onto Your peace even in the silence and confusion, when trust is hard. Use this time to grow character in me, that I may become a woman of true integrity and beauty. I thank You for the time in between.
It's amazing how quickly plans can change. I think I could handle about any change of plans that God might throw at me, if I at least knew what the change IS. It's this restlessness...this sense that something big is on the horizon, and I don't have a clue what it is that is DRIVING ME CRAZY.
Sometimes without thinking, I start to believe that my life is mine and I start making plans. Then God interrupts them, HE ALWAYS INTERRUPTS THEM and reminds me who is God after all. I gave Him my life and told Him to do whatever, and so He took my life and is doing whatever. Why in the world am I fighting Him?
I feel like I'm free falling. I am scared to death. I am at a point in my life where God could literally do ANYTHING. Am I ready?
I do not struggle to trust God when I know where He wants me to go. I know He will provide. The point when trust is hard for me is when the Great Unknown lies before me and my planning and goal-making personality is left confused and wondering what is happening. I struggle to trust God to speak to me when He desires. I struggle to wait when I feel like the time is so meaningless in between. It's the mystery of God that overwhelms my mind and heart.
As I am writing this, I remember that Francesca Battistelli has a song called Time In Between. The lyrics have totally been a message from God to me:
You were there when your Father said, "Let there be light."
You obeyed when He whispered, "Son, you have to leave tonight."
To spend nine months in a mother's womb
Three days in a borrowed tomb
But it's the time in between that brings me to my knees
Knowing You came for me, and all that I can't be
I'm amazed, so amazed and I thank You for the time in between
Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul says You're holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands for You to fill me up again
But it's the time in between that I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what You'll bring and the things that I can't see
I know my song's incomplete, still I'll sing in the time in between
So many ways Your love has saved the day
And I'm grateful for them all
But it's the time in between, the middle of two thieves that says everything
It's the reason I believe, I'm amazed, so amazed and I thank You for the time in between
Oh, Lord, I thank You for the time in between.
God, I lack the courage to trust You right now. I am struggling. I hate being lost. I hate feeling out of the loop, but You have shown me that some of the most meaningful things happen in the in between times. Help me to learn to wait on You. Help me learn how to hold onto Your peace even in the silence and confusion, when trust is hard. Use this time to grow character in me, that I may become a woman of true integrity and beauty. I thank You for the time in between.
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