When Trust Is Hard

So I had a really rough day.  It wasn't like anything bad happened.  The struggle was in my spirit and peace was the last thing residing in my heart.  Big decisions are coming up, and I thought I had clear direction, but now I'm not so sure.

It's amazing how quickly plans can change.  I think I could handle about any change of plans that God might throw at me, if I at least knew what the change IS.  It's this restlessness...this sense that something big is on the horizon, and I don't have a clue what it is that is DRIVING ME CRAZY.

Sometimes without thinking, I start to believe that my life is mine and I start making plans.  Then God interrupts them, HE ALWAYS INTERRUPTS THEM and reminds me who is God after all.  I gave Him my life and told Him to do whatever, and so He took my life and is doing whatever.  Why in the world am I fighting Him?

I feel like I'm free falling.  I am scared to death.  I am at a point in my life where God could literally do ANYTHING.  Am I ready?

I do not struggle to trust God when I know where He wants me to go.  I know He will provide.  The point when trust is hard for me is when the Great Unknown lies before me and my planning and goal-making personality is left confused and wondering what is happening.  I struggle to trust God to speak to me when He desires.  I struggle to wait when I feel like the time is so meaningless in between.  It's the mystery of God that overwhelms my mind and heart.

As I am writing this, I remember that Francesca Battistelli has a song called Time In Between.  The lyrics have totally been a message from God to me:

You were there when your Father said, "Let there be light."
You obeyed when He whispered, "Son, you have to leave tonight."
To spend nine months in a mother's womb
Three days in a borrowed tomb

But it's the time in between that brings me to my knees
Knowing You came for me, and all that I can't be
I'm amazed, so amazed and I thank You for the time in between

Don't take much for this crazy world to rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul says You're holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands for You to fill me up again

But it's the time in between that I fall down to my knees
Waiting on what You'll bring and the things that I can't see
I know my song's incomplete, still I'll sing in the time in between

So many ways Your love has saved the day
And I'm grateful for them all

But it's the time in between, the middle of two thieves that says everything
It's the reason I believe, I'm amazed, so amazed and I thank You for the time in between
Oh, Lord, I thank You for the time in between.

God, I lack the courage to trust You right now.  I am struggling.  I hate being lost.  I hate feeling out of the loop, but You have shown me that some of the most meaningful things happen in the in between times.  Help me to learn to wait on You.  Help me learn how to hold onto Your peace even in the silence and confusion, when trust is hard.  Use this time to grow character in me, that I may become a woman of true integrity and beauty.  I thank You for the time in between.