I Promise

I just returned last weekend from Minnesota, where I had the privilege of being a part of one of my best friends' wedding.  The weekend was insane with all the details and errands.  It was worth it, however, when the wedding actually took place, and seeing the joy in my friend's eyes as she looked at her new husband brought happy tears to a lot of our faces.

I ended up driving back to Kansas alone, which turned out to be a good thing, because God and I had a pretty special time.  As I was going through my IPod, I came across many songs that held a lot of significance to me at certain points in my life.  It's amazing looking at my journey over the past few years in relation to where I am now.  Being at the wedding reminded me of memories, both good and bad, of my pursuit of love.

I remember a few years ago, my developing of an extensive list of "what I want in a husband."  I came across that list a couple weeks ago and I was apalled at how perfectionistic I was in looking for someone.  It's not that I have lower expectations now; I have just discovered over time what is more important in someone.  The thing that I was most disturbed with was how my list was almost entirely focused on what my future husband could give and do for ME.  I realized right then and there that I had missed the whole point of love and marriage, along with the rest of our society.

Maybe I'll write more on the purpose of marriage if I get married and know a little more about the subject.  However, it seems to me that marriage is a team; a companionship meant to glorify God.  When one is struggling, the other can hold him up, and vice versa.  It is shared sacrifice and gain, and most of all a representation of God's love for the church.  I could go on, but I'm afraid I might be treading in waters I do not belong in at this point.

Romantic love seems to be the ultimate goal for most people; at least it is for girls (guys, I don't even want to know what you do at YOUR slumber parties).  It's fun to like a guy and dream about the future.  Every girl has in mind the perfect "knight in shining armor" and there are a million chick flicks to prove it.  Looking back over my journey, I definitely fell into the "hopeless romantic" track.  I shake my head at that girl back then, and in many ways I wish I could knock her over the head with a 2x4.  What was I THINKING?  I remember one time in the middle of the loneliness of being single that God taught me a special lesson about love.

I was in Ecuador and having a VERY rough time.  Take a girl that's lonely to begin with and then place her in another country for 7 weeks.  Brilliant.  Well, God really used that time to plant some seeds of truth in my life that I couldn't even grasp the significance of at the time.  I gave up my calling because I did not see how I was worthy or desireable for the job, and God chased me down and showed me that His love for me made me worthy.  What a significant time in my life that was.

The most life-changing time for me, however, was during a trip to the jungle.  This was a very personal time with God, and before now, I haven't shared this with very many people.  In fact, I am almost positive this experience was never written in my Ecuador report.  God met me one night in the little hostel room upstairs and I will never be the same.  He showed me His heart and how He wanted me to learn how to fall in love with Him and allow Him to fall in love with me.  He gave me a secret promise that I hold onto every day.

That night I felt more loved than I have in my whole lifetime put together and those few hours spent in the presence of God is my most precious memory.  During that time, I was 4 years into my illness, and those who have battled chronic illness understand how even more alienating that struggle can be.  God gave me a song in Ecuador that really comforted me and helped me see His constant presence:

You're Not Alone by Meredith Andrews

"I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but you found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name, saying,

'You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All of your life.'

You cry yourself to sleep, cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost, with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying,

'You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the One who's loved you all your life
All of your life.'

Faithful and true forever
My love will carry you."

Falling in love with God and being cherished by Him has been such an incredible journey, especially this last year.  In so many ways He has pursued my heart and been patient with me as I learned to trust Him.

As I was nearing Kansas City, a song played that I had not heard in a long time.  I must have repeated it 10 times.  It spoke the exact words that I wish to pray to God, and I wish every girl who is in this season of waiting could hear and embrace these simple words:

I Promise by Jaci Velasquez

"Lord, you know my heart and all my desires
And the secret things I'll never tell
Lord, you know them well.
Though I may be young, I see and understand
That at times like sheep we go astray
And things get out of hand.

So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity as unto You
Waiting for the day when I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you.

Until then, O Lord, I will be content
Knowing that true love will come someday
It will only come from You
'Cause I have seen the suffering
That loneliness can cause
When we choose to give our love away
Without a righteous cause

So I promise to be true to You
To live my life in purity as unto You
Waiting for the day when I hear You say
Here is the one I have created
Just for you."

I love the quote from Max Lucado, "A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man must seek Him to find her."  It is my deepest prayer that I will seek God above all else and only step into a relationship that is God-focused and ordained.  I pray this for all the single girls out there:  wait.  Waiting isn't sitting on your hands either.  Fall in love with God.  Seek His heart, and He will mold you and shape you into a woman of excellence.  Then you will be a jewel worth finding, and a blessing to that man when your paths stumble across each other unexpectedly.