Starting last night I have had a deep, deep frustration. I talked with a friend a little about it, and this morning I spent some time at the gym thinking and praying. Maybe this is not something that is going to work itself out quickly, but I need to work through it as much as I can today. If not today, then when will it ever happen?
Last night I was babysitting, and I had some big trouble trying to talk to the eight year old. It sounds really small, but I couldn’t convince her to do her homework, I couldn’t get her into bed or keep her there, and I ended up having to explain to the parents that maybe I need a course on communication because I feel like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. Thinking about that, I realized that I didn’t really know how to talk to anybody.
I don’t know how to write all this out in a pretty way. I hardly even have a clue how to express myself about all this. I can and have blogged about the things on my heart and mind (a few of them) but I can’t sit across the table from someone and bear my soul to them. It just doesn’t come out well at all.
There’s so much in my heart. There’s so much more to me than anyone in the world has ever seen. What on earth is holding me back from being everything that God has called me to be? This is what I have to figure out today.
For one thing, I’ve kept myself pretty tame over the years. I come from a tame family (at least my immediate family), so I guess that’s how I thought I should be. However, when I really look at things objectively: limited hours, days, and years and the crazy, creative, and passionate personality that God has given me, the way I have been living simply doesn’t make any sense. It’s like in the movie Night at the Museum...I feel like Pharaoh trapped in the coffin.
I guess you could call this a holy dissatisfaction. I’m sick of living life how I am. I’m sick of the complacency I see all around me, and how easily I am drawn to it. When I try to fight it, I wind up restraining myself and then growing angry and resentful inside. That’s not a Christlike attitude. Something needs to change.
Am I wasting my time? Am I wasting my life making copies? I don’t think that my job is not worthwhile, but maybe it’s not worthwhile for me. Maybe it’s exactly where God wants me. I don’t know! I do know that I struggle working there. I feel like I’m going in circles. I live for the weekends. I hand the ministry to someone else. And I make copies. And what is up with a big church? So many possibilities, but I don’t feel like I know hardly anyone, and hardly anyone is going anywhere there. The ones that are...you never see them because they’re...well...going somewhere. I work for a great ministry, but it’s not where I fit. It’s not my place in life. I don’t feel drawn toward it. So what DO I feel drawn toward? That is the question.
What would I do if I could do anything with my life? I have student loans. That is a pretty big barrier. I think if I could do anything right now, I’d do Mercy Ships, or something like that. I would run a foster home, or work at a place like that. One of the most rewarding things I have ever done was work with inner-city kids. I wish I could go back and tell myself back then to lighten up. Back then it was all about me. I didn’t understand how to let go of my insecurity and truly love. However, I see myself falling back into that trap so often.
The thing that holds me back the most is myself. What am I so afraid of? Really, and honestly, nothing. I used to be afraid of everything. But if you really knew me, you would see that I am one of the bravest people you’ve ever met. Why do I hold myself back?
I had a dream last night. My dreams are always stupid to some degree, and this one was no different, but there was something interesting about this one. For years I had nightmares every night about running away from things. Last night I dreamed that I was running toward the helpless (actually, we were all riding horses, but that’s beside the point), but kept getting pulled back. People from high school that I hadn’t thought about in years showed up in my dream. I still don’t know what that was all about. However, the truth remains. I am a courageous person. I’ve done some really brave things in my life, but I could do more. So why don’t I?
I feel like there is something strapping me to the floor and I don’t know what it is. I use my loans as an excuse, and although it is a pretty good one, I’m sure there is a way around that. Hopefully soon I am going to start a photography business. I am hopefully next week going to buy a nice camera. I enjoy taking nature photos, and I could sell them. This could help me make loan payments. I could write, but that’s a tough field to get into. Just because it’s tough has never held me back. When things are difficult, that’s what excites me because I love a challenge. What is holding me back?
Maybe I could write a book. I kind of am, but that was put on hold due to God upsetting my life, like He usually does. I am not surprised in the least bit. I don’t even have a specific change that I’m begging for. I just want for Him to do something. The walls are getting smaller. I need to break out.
What is this whole thing about? I’m going crazy. I hate how normal my life is right now. I don’t want to be normal, and when it comes down to it, I am not normal though it may look like I am right now. God made me to be a world changer. He made me to be a passionate person. Why am I holding back?
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