I'm Not Who I Was

I was driving yesterday and this familiar song came on the radio:

I’m Not Who I Was

Brandon Heath

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

As I was listening to the song, one person in particular came to mind.  This person and I had a falling out for a reason that to this day I still do not understand.  I miss her as my friend, and although I know that she will never read this, I still wish that somehow she could see that I am not who I was.  I wish she knew that I have forgiven her.

It’s so interesting how we change as we grow up if we decide to do so.  Some people never change.  I think, however, that God has done a work in my life.  I used to live life in total fear of everything.  Talking to someone almost put me over the edge, and heaven forbid that I ever had to begin the conversation.  That was who I was even in college.  This past year, everything changed for me.  I did some brave things in college, but it was only by the grace of God that I did not realize what I was doing...things like taking off and living in the Dominican Republic for almost four months by myself...things like that.  When it came to everyday life, I was timid and afraid.  I had a hard time getting close to people because I was afraid of what they thought of me.  It was much easier to avoid them.

However, when God’s love came into my life and I realized that His loving me gave me value, I started to see life in a whole new way.  Suddenly fear is gone, and I guess that makes sense since the Bible says that perfect love drives out fear and the one who fears has not been made perfect in love.  I find that once I let love into my life, I had confidence and faith that God had things under control.  My eyes were opened beyond myself and my own insecurities to see what God is doing in the world and the incredible opportunity I have to be a part of it.  I’m excited to see how God changes and grows my life in the future.  I never imagined that in a year and a half He could do all He has done in me.

So to the person who will never read this, know that I forgive you for everything that took place.  I have asked for your forgiveness with no reply.  In the eyes of God, I have done everything possible to restore the friendship and I pray for you.  Someday I hope that our paths cross again, and we can both see in each others’ lives the change that God has made.  May God bless you in your ministry.