Talk about a whirlwind...everything has been so crazy since I decided to move to Nashville! I found out that I was accepted to a Master’s program on Tuesday, turned in my resignation at my job on Wednesday, and left to look for a job in Nashville on Thursday! Since then it has been a literal rollercoaster ride emotionally and physically. So many decisions have to be made, and there are so many more things that are demanding my energy and immediate attention. And it is not only the decisions that are weighing heavy, but sharing with everyone what is going on in my life and trying to make the most of my last moments with people has been pretty draining.
I think it has been hardest to think about saying goodbye to the people I work with, because I see them every day. It’s a surreal feeling to go to work these last couple weeks, because everything seems so normal with the same daily responsibilities but everyone knows that there is a different reality lurking under the surface. It’s hard to be excited for the future...I mean, I really am excited, but it’s hard to be excited around the people I work with because of all the adjustments that they will have to make because I am leaving. I know that things will work out for them, but it’s like we don’t know how to be around each other...it’s hard to explain.
Yesterday I made the difficult decision to look for a new home for my dog Shadow. It’s really hard to imagine giving him up, but I think it will be best for him, and ultimately for me as well. He is such a sweetheart and I love him to death. I have spoiled him rotten. However, with my new schedule and plans in Nashville, I will not have the time to devote to him or give him what he really needs. So any of you reading this...if you know of a good home for him, please let me know! I know that he will make anyone an amazing pet!
Spiritually, things are really different right now for me. I feel like I’m just trying to soak it all in. It’s a wonderful spot to be in, but my understanding of God has changed quite a bit. Until this point in my life, God usually took my desires and acknowledged them but chose to do something different. Often He would do the complete opposite of what I wanted, and I really learned and grew a lot through those times. However, I was starting to see God not as loving per se, but as someone who has their own idea of how things should go and nothing I do or say matters. I often wondered what the purpose of prayer was, because for me at least, it never seemed to make any difference. Everything that I had prayed for never happened, and it wasn’t that I saw God as some sort of Santa Claus, but I had a hard time seeing that He cared about the things that I cared about. I saw myself as always wrong in my perception of everything. Looking back, I see clearly that most of those situations involved me either needing a reality check or I was asking for what I really wanted with holy reasons. That was what made this whole process in deciding about moving to Nashville so significant in my life, because finally my desires aligned with God’s desires and He granted the very thing that I prayed for.
So many things have been happening to confirm to me that this is God’s will for my life, and it has been exciting to see all these things happen. It could be in a conversation I have, or in a sermon I hear, or in the alignment of plans, but every little moment of sureness adds up and creates quite a confidence. In a lot of ways it’s like I’m not even a part of the show, I’m just sitting in a chair on center stage. Everything is happening all around me and I’m taking it in. To me, that’s so much better than me trying to figure out all the details. It’s much more comforting to know that God has things under control, and that He is bringing about His will in my life. It’s not often that I can see how He’s working, so I’m enjoying the show.
The biggest surprise for me, I think, has been the deep joy God has given me in knowing that I am truly getting ready to jump into the flow of His Kingdom. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere...I’m moving to Nashville! Beyond that, it’s so incredible to KNOW that God has big plans for me there. It’s even better to know that it’s not about me and that I am getting ready to see a TOTALLY new way He is working in the world first-hand. I have a chance to be a part of something so much bigger than me...and here’s the great irony of life: that’s so much better than a life lived for our own fulfillment and desires. There is more joy the more that we give our lives away. How that works, I’ll never understand it, but I’m so excited for the start of God saying “yes” to the desires that He has placed in my heart. Once in, there’s no going back, but why would I ever want to?
There’s so much going on in my head and heart right now...and I felt like I needed to share just a little bit of it. Mostly I just want to sleep all the time because I’m so tired. I’m scared because I know what I am getting ready to do is going to be a lot of work and very challenging. I’m excited because I know that it is going to be worth it. Please pray for me as I make this transition and EVERYTHING that goes with it. Your support means so much!!
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