Age 23

I’ve decided that I’m both madly in love and completely dissatisfied with this stage in my life.  I think I’ll tell you why I’m in love first.

I guess I’m in love with the possibilities.  I love how I can enjoy becoming who I want to be and who God wants me to be.  I can focus on building my skills, trying out different things, and actually having dreams.  In a lot of ways, I hate the thought of growing up because it seems like most grown-ups who are married with children just decide that’s all to life.  I’m too much of a free spirit for that, especially right now.  I love doing unusual things because it’s fun and I enjoy making memories.  There’s so much I want to do before I settle down.  So much I want to do.

And it seems like the sky is really the limit too.  I could technically just pick up and move halfway across the country and get a job without much problem.  Not that I would do that, but this time in my life would be the easiest to do that.  I could decide to do missions and move to another country on a short or long-term mission venture.  I could work in whatever non-profit organization I want to, and dedicate my time and energy to things like that.  There’s so many possibilities.  It’s exhausting to think about, especially when I can hardly make it through a work day without being completely worn out.  Usually when I get home from work I have nothing left.  All I want to do is sleep.  Most of the time, I don’t even want to go to the effort of eating. 

In a lot of ways, I feel like I have no life or identity outside of work.  The other day I thought about buying some different color flip flops for when I’m not working, and then I immediately vetoed the idea because when am I not at work?  Part of this is probably because when I’m home, my brain is still there half the time.  You know what I want more than anything?  I want a vacation.  I want maybe 4 days where I can do whatever I want to and actually have enough energy to want to do what I want to do.  I love my job, but it’s not my dream, and I’m so tired.  I focus so hard on doing my best all day that I am at my job.  I want to do whatever I am responsible for well.  I don’t know how to do anything halfway.  I don’t want to do my job halfway.

Age 23:  I love it.  I hate it.  You know why else I hate it?  I’m too old for the college kids, the majority of my friends have moved away, and I’m too young to hang out with the people I work with (their decision, not mine).  I have a couple friends that I hang out with, but everyone is so busy that it’s hard to get together.  It’s like I’m in my own little world floating.  Sometimes I want to talk to someone or hang out...but I don’t know with who and not many people are interested in doing some of the crazy things I want to do.  Married women think I’m nuts, and we don’t have a whole lot in common.  When I try to talk to someone about this, I feel so immature and unfeeling...yet overemotional at the same time.  I’m like a walking oxymoron.  And every time I see that word I think of that one bearded guy with the oxyclean commercials.

I don’t want to have a boring life.  I don’t want to have a meaningless busy life.  Almost all the adults I know fit in one of those two categories.  I don’t want to be like that.  How can I get away from it?  I refuse to drink coffee, first of all because it’s gross and second of all because that’s what older women do when they sit at a round table and talk about all the things they saw at Kohl’s the other day on the sale rack.  Really?  I don’t fit.  Anywhere.  I’m like that puzzle piece you find under your couch while you’re spring cleaning, and you can’t figure out where it came from.  It’s depressing.  I can become whoever I want to, and that’s all fun and exciting, except nobody cares.  Yay.  I’m just going to become whoever I want to be anyway.  God cares.  That’s all that matters.  It’ll be a sweet ride.