God, what is this illusion that I have been living in for so long, this universe that I've created around our relationship only? It's like the people all around me every day came for granted as a passing thought. How could I have been so selfish to live my entire life like it is about me alone?
I say a lot of things but do I really mean them? I say that I will follow You wherever You lead and I want to see the world like You do and see its people through Your eyes. I guess I wasn't prepared for it to hurt this much.
When I think about sacrificing my life for You, I tend to think about the physical cost. I would gladly sell everything I own, move to another country, and dedicate my life to caring for the needs of others. I pray often that I would have the courage to die for You. However, I have not yet counted the cost of a broken heart for those who do not know You. I have not allowed myself to walk the path of the lives shattered by evil, wounded by those who saw their vulnerability and used it against them. In a way, everyone can relate to that to some degree.
It's easier for me to feel pain for the orphans in Africa than to allow my heart to break for my coworkers, friends, and family. Maybe this is so because it's harder to imagine their pain. Why is my boss having a hard day? What are the things that break his heart? It takes a lot more effort to discover the answers to THESE questions. Or is it really something that You give us: a broken heart for the broken hearts hidden so well around us?
Surely if we ask You to give us broken hearts for those around us, You will answer, because that is the kind of passion You desire. However, I don't know about anyone else, but I am terrified to pray a prayer like that. If I ask You to break my heart for everyone I see today, then I think maybe the weight of that pain would be too great. How could anyone physically handle the weight of the world? I'm afraid I might lose my sanity. Maybe that's what You really desire for me?
Do you remember that night in the yard a couple years ago, when You came to me through the wind in the palm trees? That night I was begging You to allow me the honor of knowing You intimately and You asked me a question that has haunted me ever since: do you know how much that will cost? My reply to You was this: no, but I desire whatever pleases You most, no matter what it costs me. I did not pray that prayer lightly, and that prayer remains unchanged today and will never alter.
Lord, teach my heart to break for the things that break Your heart. I want to love others as You love them, from the inside out. Change me. Give me a tenderness toward those I naturally create ideas about even before I meet them. Help me to see them as the object of Your passion and the very reason Jesus died. Help me to take seriously the cross I bear for You every day. Help me to deny myself; my needs, wants, and desires for Your greater cause. Give me courage to live a life shattered by Your love but whole in Your Spirit. Thank You for the opportunity You give to know You in this way.
No comments:
Post a Comment