I have been struggling to desire to spend time with God
lately. I finally sat down this
afternoon and told Him that. What more
painful thing could anyone say to someone else?
“I honestly don’t want to spend time with you.” However, the difference between God and
another person is that He is big enough that He can take it. He is the only One who can help me to know
why I have hit this wall in our relationship.
He has shown me that my honesty in His presence is the key to a
breakthrough.
What is love, really?
If I were to give the Sunday School answer, it would most certainly be
God. It would most certainly look like 1
Corinthians 13. Sounds nice, and
wonderful, right? Yeah, it pretty much
is. So why do I want it but push it away
at the same time?
Why is there a part of me that is so resistant to love? I will allow someone into my heart and into
my life only until a certain point until I turn and run away. Yes, I literally run away. Too close.
Too much. No more.
Why do I desire a cold world over a warm heart? Why would I prefer to run into the arms of a
world that could care less about me rather than run into the arms of my God who
has a love for me that is so much stronger than I could imagine? I told God today that I am afraid of being
wanted or desired. In my mind there is a
limit to love. Even though I know that
God’s love for me is so much greater than the broken love I have known and the
broken love I know how to give, it has come too close. It is too much. I don’t want to tell God “no more”, but I literally
struggle to know how to accept a limitless love. Could I accept acceptance?
What does it mean that God pursues me? There is a part of me that is afraid that He
will stop. As I have been sitting here
praying and writing over this, I have been listening to Misty Edwards
worship. It has been playing quite a bit
in my room lately. It has been stunning
how the theme of the songs that are playing are directly related to the things
that God wants to say to me. The songs
put words to what I cannot say or understand.
Is it possible that God wants to give me something that I can never
receive anywhere else? Is it true that
He would want to lavish His love on ME?
Why on earth? Who am I? I want to go hide in a corner that I
know. I want to bury my face in my legs
and let the tears flow. The darkness I
know. Cold hearts and limited love is
what I know. True love and true beauty
is something I have only been able to take a little at a time from God. We have come to the point in our relationship
where I would typically run for the hills.
I am fighting the desire to do that.
I love God so much and I want to grow closer to Him. However, He has come close to me. I am scared.
I am uncomfortable. I am not
worthy. What might He see deep inside of
me? Seems so silly. Here is a God who knows everything about me
and loves me anyway, and yet I cringe at the thought of Him coming too
close. What shame is left inside this
heart of mine that I still need to let go of?
What is so dangerous about love? I am not afraid of being hurt. I have been there. I have caused hurt. What I am afraid of is that this love might
be real. This love might actually not
give up on me. This love might actually
be worth it. This love might actually be
unconditional. Could I face that? I don’t know what it means to come face to
face with true love. I don’t know what
it means to be truly desired for everything I am; the good, the bad, and the
ugly. I don’t know what it means to have
someone truly and sincerely see who I am and who I can become. What limits human love has! To have the creator of my heart and soul
truly believing in me, encouraging me, calling me forward...calling me inward
into His warm embrace. What safer place
could I ever find? What more wonderful
thing could there ever be?
I don’t want to fight it anymore. I don’t want to hide anymore. I need His help to come out of the
shadows. I need His help to look into His
eyes and not let my eyes dart away from His loving gaze. True love is dangerous. True love really does exist. I am praying that God would help me allow
myself to be found.
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