Homesick

Yesterday we went to a church out on the outskirts of town and had to take a bus there and back. On the ride back, a fleeting thought crossed my mind that I didn't really take the time to think about until today. However, the realization so impacted me that I want to take the time to really think it out.

I guess there has always been the assumption in my mind that someday when I find the occupation or the place in the center of God's will that I am meant to be in, that I would be completely be fulfilled. I thought that this place would be home completely, like a place I knew but had never been in before. I thought that I would never want anything else. I am coming to find that is a myth.

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am where I need to be and that I am in the center of God's will. And I LOVE it. I love what I am doing here. I would not rather be anywhere else. However, there are many aspects of the decision to come here that are very difficult. There is still the human part of me that longs for things that I can't have. There is a big part of my heart that continues to think that if I just have this one more thing, then I will have finally reached the place where I am completely satisfied.

I have felt a lot lately like I have no place that I consider my "home" per se. I grew up with my parents in Nebraska, but I haven't really lived there for several years. I have not lived any of my adult years there. I lived in Kansas for five years, but that is not home. I lived in Tennessee this past year and loved it, but if I were to move back to the States, I would not live in any of these places. If I were to ever move back to the States, I would just be living in another new place. And I find myself here, in Peru, but it is not home. In all actuality, I am just passing through. All this is temporary. My entire life is temporary.

Sometimes when I see a sunset or when I stand on the beach looking out over the sea, my heart aches so strongly for home. I am reminded of Ecclesiastes 3:11, "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." I wonder what it means that God has placed eternity in the human heart. Could it be that part of us just knows deep inside that our home is not of this world? Could it be that instinctively we are restless here because we are waiting for the day when we will finally go HOME?

So what do I do now? There is a battle inside of me because I want the easy road of a predictable life. However, that is not the life God has planned for me. God has not called me to live in the world I know; He has called me to value the things of eternity over the simple pleasures I can find today. He has called me to give up my desires of the way I would plan things out for the way He has seen things to be from the beginning of time. I may never feel comfortable and I may never completely feel at home. However, if eternity is my home, then knowing Jesus is the closest thing to home I can get here on this earth. He is my home. Wherever He leads, I will follow. Whatever he desires, I will do. Easier said than done, right?

There is so much of me that fights the desire to know Jesus more. To be completely honest, there are times when I really don't want that. My mind and everything I know tells me that I would rather be somewhere else. Sometimes this desire for things other than Christ are so strong. Dying to myself so that I can live for Christ is incredibly painful. I know that I prolong the process and pain by holding onto some things, but I am only learning. I am learning like Misty Edwards says, to be an "unattached vagabond in a world of chains." This song by her nearly wrecked me this morning. Here are the lyrics. They are simply AMAZING.

An unattached vagabond
Living in a world of chains
With a destiny beyond
I've been
Tempted by the glittering bonds
Lovers snares and so-called homes
Yet I will not hang on

All that tempts me are only cliches
Of where I am going
Every song sung is only a tease
Of where I belong

I am destined to be a queen
This unattached vagabond

I like this walk of life that I am walking
And the beauty that surrounds
But it is only a shadow of tomorrow
It's gone before it's even found

That's why:
Nothing matters, nothing really matters but getting to my Jesus
Nothing matters, nothing really matters outside The Lord

Just passing by
I'm on my way home
This world is not my own
And I do not claim her as my own

I'm but a pilgrim, a missionary
An ambassador of another day

All the riches and the fame
Are a lie and deceitful in the end
There's nothing in this life but what's eternal-
The hearts of broken men

One thing matters in the end-
It's the hearts of broken men

I'm here on a mission to cry out
To the highway and the byway
To the rich and the poor
To the good man and the bad man
To the high and to the low
To the lost and to the needy

Anybody, everybody come to the wedding
Follow me, follow me
Cuz is not life more than what we see?
Is not life more than this mundane reality?

Happy holiness
And righteous joyfulness
This is the freedom of transcendence

So take my money if you please
Take my position
Try and take all of me
But my soul, it keeps and wants
Only one mission:
To bring out as many broken hearts
To the wedding as I can

Cause beauty fades away
It's like chasing the wind
Riches are deceitful
Even when attained
They leave you empty in the end

And one thing goes
On and on and on and on

I am an unattached vagabond living in a world of chains. I have been and at times am still tempted by so many glittering things around me. However, it is true that they are only cliches and a tease of what my home truly is. I am an ambassador of another day. There is nothing in this life that is eternal except for the hearts of broken men. My heart was once broken, but now has been made whole. God has healed it, and has called me forth to live for the eternal: to bring out as many broken hearts to the wedding as I can. Powerful stuff!

Though my flesh cries out ever so strongly for what I do not have and what I cannot have right now, I choose to live for eternity, my only true home. I choose to find all I need in Christ. If the world I am living in is not eternal, then it makes no sense for me to expect comfort and satisfaction here. I was created for another world and I am part of another Kingdom. I pray that God would give me the courage to press on, to pursue holiness, and to passionately in every opportunity continue to call people to follow me to the wedding. The only thing that matters in light of eternity is the broken hearts of men. May this truly be the only thing that matters to me as well.