Meaningless

Lately I have been going through the Refiner’s fire.  It seems like it is just one thing after another.  Thursday night through last night I spent a significant amount of time going through everything I own and boxing up all that I was selling (which is about 90% of the things I own).  I boxed up my movies just like God asked me to and some friends came over and helped me move everything over to another friend’s house for a garage sale this morning.  I think I have been through a whirlwind of emotions.

So I set up for the garage sale early this morning and when I was almost finished setting up (which took me an hour), the rain started pouring down and didn’t stop until the garage sale had ended and I was on my way home.  Part way through, a couple friends came and joined me and I was there for a total of about five and a half hours.  We had ONE CUSTOMER.  He bought my bike and some Lego’s.  Everything else is still at my friend’s house.

Part of me was so angry at the whole situation.  I went through a myriad of emotions just working through the concept of selling all my things.  I’ve told several people that I feel like I’m digressing back to college life.  I graduated from college and accumulated the normal things for an apartment, and now I am selling all my things to live in a dorm again.  Until you have actually done something like this, you have no idea how difficult it is to do.  I am ashamed at how difficult it has been to let certain things go.

Then I got to the point where I could have the garage sale, and the whole morning was filled with torrential downpour. For a couple hours I sat on the couch contemplating what on earth God is doing.  This instance alone was not nearly as big of a deal as it is combined with so many other things.  A couple days ago, my car battery died.  My internet in my apartment stopped working.  The internet on my phone was in and out as usual.  The car charger for my phone stopped working.  Friends committed to helping me and at the last minute backed out.  People committed to certain purchases and then later backed out.  People keep forgetting to call me about stuff.  All these little things over the past 24 hours added up this morning and I sat on the couch today feeling the loneliest that I have felt in a long time.

I told my friend this morning that I feel like God is ripping away pieces of myself; a chunk here and a chunk there.  It’s a mess.  I can only hope that when He’s done, all that is left is all that really matters.  Honestly, if I have learned anything in the past few weeks, I have learned that I have no clue what is going on.  I have learned that I have so much to learn and understand.  I have also learned that there is much that I cannot understand about God and about myself.  I have found that in certain moments I will be under the impression that I am completely fine, then a comment will come out of my mouth and I’m left thinking, “Where on earth did THAT come from?”  It’s a scary feeling when you realize you’re so overwhelmed that you weren’t even aware of it.

Part of the struggle has been that I am still working full-time while moving and going through things and fundraising for support.  I leave the States, Lord willing, two months from tomorrow and God is slowly working His miracle.  The last week of any job is difficult, because your heart has moved on already, yet you still feel the need to give that 110% to what you are doing.  It takes twice as much effort as it used to.  My life never stops, and my brain never stops, even in the middle of the night.  I haven’t slept a full night in I don’t know how long...definitely have not had more than four or five hours of sleep in a night for at least two weeks.  The other night I dreamed that I was dreaming and I had to wake up twice.  I am an introvert, yet I have had to spend nearly every waking moment in the past week communicating with customers at work or supporters on the phone.  It is easy to get discouraged right now as I have no idea how much support I have and it seems so insufficient so far.  Waiting and trusting is tough, and the deadline is looming.  I have been working at it night and day.  I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally.

A couple tears escaped my eyes this morning.  I was trying so hard to hold it in.  I didn’t know what I wanted (besides sleep).  I am not very good company right now because I’m so wound tight, and while I am so tired of communicating constantly, I still want someone around.  I figured out that I really needed to take the time and listen to what God might be saying.  I needed to keep the ears of my heart turned in.  God showed me over the past couple days how much of what I valued and desired is meaningless.

The main thought in my head as I was going through my things was the conviction that I had been living in sin by having so much stuff.  That sounds very extreme to Americans who will quickly say, “It’s not the stuff that is the sin, but the love of stuff.”  I wonder, however, how many of us Americans can really separate ourselves from our stuff?  I thought it would be a fairly easy thing to put things in boxes and send them on their merry way.  I really believed that.  I was so wrong.  Today I thought back to the story in Matthew 19 about the rich young ruler:

“Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, ‘Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?’

‘Why do you ask me about what is good?’ Jesus replied.  ‘There is only One who is good.  If you want to enter life, obey the commandments.’

‘Which ones?’ the man inquired.

Jesus replied, ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself.’

‘All these I have kept,’ the young man said.  ‘What do I still lack?’

Jesus answered, ‘If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come, follow me.’

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.’

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, ‘Who then can be saved?’

Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’

Peter answered him, ‘We have left everything to follow you!  What then will there be for us?’

Jesus said to them, ‘I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.  And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.  But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.’”

This was the command that Jesus gave the rich young ruler:  sell all your stuff and give to the poor.  THEN come follow me.  That is the command that He gave me.  I’m trying to do that.

In the middle of all this that I am personally going through, God showed me part of the bigger picture today.  One of the friends that came to help me out today at the garage sale went home to find her apartment flooded.  Right now she and her husband are going through their stuff.  Much of it is ruined, I am sure.  Then, a good friend of mine from back home was taken to the emergency room this afternoon.  They’re running tests, and we are praying that they come back alright.  In perspective of these things, I am ashamed at how selfish I have been.  It seems pointless.  It seems meaningless.  I have been wallowing in my own problems and issues. 

God has pointed out something that I must remember from now on in my life:  real life is difficult, messy, full of ups and downs, but worth it.  Stress isn’t worth it.  It’s amazing how easy it is to get caught up on the small things.  I am the type that likes to plan ahead in order to be sure that all the bases are covered.  However, things rarely happen as we plan them and are rarely as bad as they seem.  One step at a time.  Allowing myself to become overwhelmed is meaningless.

Because real life is difficult, messy, full of ups and downs, but worth it, I must learn to see whatever happens as normal.  Sometimes I can get so caught up in comparing one situation to another and giving myself an excuse to be concerned about it.  Well, this thing is so much bigger of a problem than this thing...etc.  However, whether I am here in the States handling a garage sale or working overseas with orphans who have life-threatening illnesses, I must remember that this is life:  plain and simple.  I should not take pride in any situation but rather see it as just another day and another opportunity.

So many things that have mattered to me are meaningless, and it is all about perspective.  The things that I own or do not own is a meaningless thing, and until I learn to view it that way, I will not be able to serve Christ well.  The things that I do for God have no ranking as better or worse than other things I could be doing.  Selling all my things is not anything special, it is just another thing I am doing for God.  I have been making such a ridiculously big deal about it.  I need to let it go.  I must live my life in such a way that every decision I make, whether big or small is met with the same intensity of devotion and love for God above anything else regardless of my attitude or struggle with the situation.  All that I am doing, no matter how glorious or mundane these things may be, are simply the things I am doing for God, nothing more.  There is nothing romantic or exalting about it.  I am helpless without God.  I am nothing without Christ.  In Him, I have the honor to serve and to love.  It is only by grace that I have or am anything, and it is only by this grace that anything I could possibly do for God matters.  To see it any other way is to enter into the meaningless.  The only thing in life that has meaning is God’s love and how I live my life in response to that love.  Audrey Assad says in one of her songs, “All my pride, it doesn’t stand a chance against the way You move.”  I need to get myself out of the way so God may enter in and do the work He longs to do.

What happens to myself is meaningless.  I remembered that when those I care about went through some difficult times today.  I started reading the book Kisses from Katie and I was convicted of how comfortable I have become in my selfishness and how much I have lost sight of the spirit of prayer I must have.  I can talk day after day about how I want to serve God, and I can make it sound all flowery and pretty like I have it all figured out...and then suddenly I realize that I haven’t sat down and truly spent time with God in a while.  Talk is cheap on any level, especially when I haven’t taken the time to truly back it up in prayer.  The longer I go without spending deep intentional time with God, the less passion I feel in my heart for the things He has called me to do and the more selfishness and hypocrisy I see creeping into my life.  Tonight I seriously need to repent...I need to ask God for forgiveness once again because I have been allowing other things to distract me and to matter to me more than my time with Him.  It doesn’t matter what it is; when it stands in the way of my relationship with Him, that is sin.

As I am going through this time in the Refiner’s fire and God is literally ripping away parts of myself that need to go, I am learning so much about what is important and what is meaningless.  It is a process, and I am sure that some of the things I have learned today, God will sharpen, hone, or maybe even change my view.  I give Him permission to do that.  I am such a small child in His arms, and my understanding of His ways are childish and developing.  I will never have it all figured out, and I am not trying to have it all figured out.  I am simply trying to learn as much as I can every day that I am on this journey with Him.  I want Him to use my life as best He can with as little resistance as possible.  It is a daily struggle and surrender, but in all things, deep joy. 

The Rocks Cry Out

I was on the phone with a friend of mine last night and in the course of the conversation we began to read from Luke 19.  We had been talking about worship and the different ways that we were being called into a deeper understanding of what it means to cry out to God and sing praises to Him.  My mind was immediately drawn to Luke 19:37-40 which says:

“When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:

‘Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!’

‘Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!’

Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, rebuke your disciples!’

‘I tell you,’ he replied, ‘if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.’”

The thing that stands out to me about this passage is the absolute necessity of God’s creation to worship Him.  How great and mighty is our God that His very existence demands the worship of everything that lives and does not live, breathes and does not breathe.  In Israel, stones are a dime a dozen; they are everywhere!  Jesus said that if His followers were to cease their worship, the common and unimportant rocks would burst forth in adoration, doing what they were created to do:  bring glory to their Creator.  How much more are we called to do the same?

What also struck me is that all of this praise on this hill called the Mount of Olives occurred at the same place that less than a week later would witness the betrayal of Jesus into the hands of His executors.  In Luke 22:39, Scripture says that the Mount of Olives was a “usual” place to which Jesus went to be with His Father; a place of rest and safety.  It was in this place and nowhere else that Jesus sweat drops of blood in agony as He prayed, knowing all that was ahead of Him.  It was there the same disciples who were singing His praises kept falling asleep on the most painful night in prayer that Jesus had ever had.  It was a hill that saw many deep moments of joy as well as sorrow.  However, through every season of emotion and struggle, Jesus understood the concept of living every moment in worship.

What is worship?  It is the attitude of my spirit on its knees before God, every moment and through every circumstance that comes my way.  It may be a wondrous time of praising God with many others, or it may be a time when I find myself all alone, crying out in agony to God about all that is to come.  However, through it all my heart will stay true in submission to His will, whatever that may be.  I may witness betrayal into the hands of my enemies by those I love and have served alongside for years.  My Mount of Olives will see many a joy and many a sorrow.  However, I cannot cease praising Him, or the rocks will cry out in my place, for Creation must bring its Creator glory.  It must worship Him continually.

I want to discover more each day what it means to worship Him with everything in my life, big or small.  I want to bring Him glory as I proclaim His goodness.  I will not give the rocks a reason to shout.  I will glorify His name!

Whatever Stands In His Way

Yesterday as I was sitting in church listening to our pastor’s sermon, God began to convict me of something.  The Scripture was based out of Mark 6: 1-5.  This passage talks about how Jesus went to His hometown to preach.  The people were impressed by His teaching, but were caught up in the fact that they knew His family and where He came from.  They saw how ordinary He really was, and their focus was on His humanity so much so that they could not see that He was the Son of God.  The Bible says that Jesus was amazed at their lack of faith, and it was because of this that He could not do many miracles in that town.

Pastor talked about the things that stand in the way of God’s desires.  He asked, “If Jesus were standing here and speaking to you, would you hear Him?  Would He be able to get through?  What things in your life are you holding onto that keep Him from being able to do what He desires to do in your life?”  Immediately my mind went to my situation and everything that I am doing to prepare to move to South America to be a missionary.  I am in the process of downsizing nearly everything I own, but there was something that I was planning on keeping that God showed me was a stumbling block to Him in my life.

I love my movies and I love my TV shows.  This is something that over the past few years I have really invested in, and I enjoy having a library with a wide variety to choose from.  I was planning on sending these things to my parents’ house for safekeeping during my time in South America, and there would have been nothing wrong with that had God not stepped in and pointed out how much I love those things.  He showed me how I was more than willing to give up the things that really didn’t matter to me, but could I sacrifice something that I value when He asked me?

I went down to the altar yesterday and settled the question.  What I desire more than anything is for God to have complete control of my life and to have my entire heart.  Should there be anything that stands in His way, I must obey Him and destroy the barrier.  I want Him to be able to do anything He desires to do in my life.  I want Him to have all of me.

It seems so stupid that something this small would stand in the way.  It is easy point the finger away from ourselves and toward America and say, “Our society struggles so much with materialism.  Americans are so selfish.”  However, it has come time for me to give up everything that I have accumulated over the years, and I have found that I am just as guilty of placing high value on things as everyone else.  I am the selfish one.  Could I be brave enough to tell Christ that I desire more than anything to identify with Him in His life, death, and resurrection?  What does that truly mean in the practical of my life?  I can and have talked about being wholly His for years, but now when the real test of faithfulness and surrender comes to pass, will I be found true to Him?

Therefore every day as God shines a light on certain areas of my life, I must be obedient to remove whatever stands in His way.  I want Him to have a clear path to my heart.  This means that I must stay faithful even when it hurts and even when it seems that what He is asking of me is more than I can give.  May He give me the courage and strength to follow Him wherever He might lead no matter how much it may cost.  Let there be no question:  I am HIS.

My Story

I grew up in Nebraska and lived there until I went to college at MidAmerica Nazarene University in Olathe, KS.  My parents are both volunteer youth pastors in their church and have been in that position for around 25 years.  Youth ministry is their passion, and growing up in a house surrounded by it, I developed a passion for ministry as well.

 

I knew from a young age that God was calling me to be a missionary.  It was honestly something that I rarely doubted.  The call grew stronger the older I became, but the lessons I needed to learn grew more difficult as well.  Especially during my college years, I had many experiences that stretched, molded, and shaped me.  I had the opportunity to travel to South Africa as a representative of the United States in a global leadership conference, serve as a missionary intern in Ecuador for seven weeks, and teach English in the Dominican Republic for three and a half months.  I served on a ministry team for a summer at Mount Rushmore National Memorial and worked with inner-city kids for three and a half years.  God has opened several doors for ministry over the past few years, but I have found that I have walked away having gained more than perhaps I ever gave away.

I have learned that even God-given visions must be laid on the altar of sacrifice.  So often I have chased after the dreams God gave me and left Him in the dust.  He then brings me back and calls me closer to Him, reminding me that it is Him that I serve, not His plan.  It is He who is my love, the passion of my life.  He is the treasure worth giving everything I have to possess.  What an honor it is that we could know Him; not just who He is, but know His heart.

So many times I have broken down, and there was a time when I gave up my calling.  God chased me down in a supernatural way and reminded me that He called me to be a missionary, not because of what I could do for Him, but because He wanted me.  I saw myself as useless and a hindrance.  He saw me as His child.  I learned that it is not what I do for Him that defines my worth; I am worth it to Him just as I am, and He proved that when He died on the cross.  Even before I cared about Him or gave Him my heart, He loved me and He gave all of Himself for me.  Therefore, I no longer serve Him out of obligation or the need to repay a debt I feel I owe Him.  I serve Him from the center of me, out of His love that overflows, filled by His Spirit.

This past year of living in Nashville has been a time of refining, growth, and discovery.  I am no longer the scared child I was for so many years.  God has taught me so much about faith and His trustworthiness with the unknown in my life.  He is always at work, often times much deeper inside my heart than I knew existed in me.  He knows me far better than I even know myself, and He believes in me more than I think He should sometimes.  I am learning more every day how to shed the lies of insecurity and fear that I have believed for so long and to put on the truth that God proclaims over me.

In April, God presented an idea to me that I stubbornly tried to ignore.  However, if you’ve ever tried to duke it out with Almighty God of the Universe, you know that it is a battle you can’t win.  A friend of mine began recruiting me for a program in South America through Extreme Nazarene Ministries.  It started out as a simple trip to a coffee shop, then over the course of a couple weeks became something that I couldn’t get out of my mind.  Finally, I gave in and applied for the program and during my interview in June, God confirmed His call that I will be going to South America in September.  What an overwhelming decision that was, knowing that it would take nothing short of a miracle to be able to pull that off in just a couple short months.  However, I also know that He is more than able to do anything, and He loves the word “Impossible”.  He will not call me to something that He will not come through on, and I am trusting His heart to do this big and enormous thing that He has promised.

We will be moving to Arequipa, Peru in mid-September and will attend language school and training for the next five and a half months.  In March, we will arrive in our new home in Ecuador and serve for at least two years.  We will be given the task of evangelism, with the goal of planting thriving churches and cell groups throughout the city in which we will be living.  Each of us from the United States (there will be 4-5 of us) will be partnered one on one with an Ecuadorian that will serve with us throughout our time there.  If you would like more information, please contact me through Facebook, Twitter, or the email address below.  I would love to talk to you!

Probably one of the most amazing parts of going into missions full-time is the opportunity that I have to partner with people in the United States and around the world both financially and through prayer.  Everyone who has done missions knows that there is always fundraising involved.  However, when it is done right, it involves the development of a relationship and the sharing of two journeys in ministry.  So many people that I know are passionate about missions but are not able to move to another country to live and serve.  However, they have the opportunity to support me as I go, and I in turn have the opportunity to share not only what God is doing on the field but also learn in greater depth what God is doing in the lives of my supporters.

Would you be interested in being one of my supporters?  There are a few different ways that you can.  You can support me with a one-time donation.  These are important as I need around $4,000 physically in the bank to be able to leave.  The big thing I would like for you to consider, however, is supporting me monthly while I am on the field.  It costs a little more than $1,000 per month to live there, and I am excited about the opportunity I have to build strong relationships with those who would pledge to regularly support me.  I must have around $37,000 pledged in order to go.  This cost covers all our living and travel expenses as well as language school for the next two and a half years.  For more information, you can visit my profile on Extreme’s website at:  www.extremenazarene.org/weber.  On this website, you can also sign up to be a prayer partner, and I will add you to my newsletter list.  You can also email me personally at cweber@extremenazarene.org.

Thank you so much for being a part of my story, and I look forward to sharing in yours as well!  God is doing amazing things in this world, and we are so blessed to play a role, however small, in this great dream of His.  May His Kingdom come and His will be done on earth as it is in heaven!  For His is the Kingdom and the power and the glory forever, AMEN!

Saying Goodbye and Saying Hello

Life is full of changes.  We are always having to adjust to something.  To live and be a part of the world is to experience change.  I have been thinking all day about this curious thing called life.  Why does a child long so much to grow up, only to discover as an adult all they want to be is a child again?  I watch my little cousin grow up and I wonder at time and how it passes.  This particular chapter in life leaves me with so many things to ponder.

Tonight as I was driving home from meeting a friend, it struck me how short my time is left in the United States.  I leave Nashville in less than a month to go home for a few weeks before I move overseas.  I started thinking through all the things that I am going to miss:  driving through downtown at night blasting Daughtry, gazing at the city skyline with all the lights glowing, having freedom, actually driving my own car, being alone.  A part of me just wanted to cry, because I realized how much I really love these things.  In fact, I have fought hard to have these things for so long.  Now after just a few short months of living here, I am giving it all up.  I am leaving.  I am saying goodbye.

Leaving a life that I love and people that I love is so hard.  There are so many emotions flying around inside of me.  I can be completely excited one moment with not a cloud in the sky and then I blink and all I want to do is cry.  It is a mourning process.  It is a rollercoaster ride of feelings and junk.  However, throughout this whole ordeal, I am choosing to remember that saying goodbye to my life here is not the only thing that I am doing.  I am also saying hello to something new that God has ordained in my life.  Just like there are things that I love and treasure here in Nashville, there will be things that I will love and treasure in South America.  Life is full of twists and turns and changes and experiences.

I feel like my worldview is constantly under construction.  This place in my life is so interesting.  I have lived enough years to have many memories and experiences to look back on, but I also have many years of future in front of me, if God allows.  I am coming to the point in my life where I realize that the majority of the people I meet are only around for a while, and then they become a memory.  I am finally beginning to realize that it’s ok that way.  We can’t stay best friends with everyone we’ve ever known forever.  There’s a saying going around on Facebook that says something like, “You don’t lose friends.  You just realize who your real friends are.”  I have a hard time agreeing with this statement.  I believe I have had some amazing and close friends over the years and at one point or another we have come to a crossroads and parted ways.  I still consider them my real friends even though we do not keep in close contact anymore.  Life sometimes leads us in different directions, and change is a part of everything.  We can’t constantly live in the past or dedicate all our time to trying to keep alive things that are only for a season.  Sometimes doors close, and sometimes other ones open.  Fact of life.  If you haven’t yet realized this, then your reality check is on its way and will show up at your door soon.

Another thing that is curious to me is that God sometimes leads us to things and then away from things and it doesn’t always make sense.  He calls us to many things that don’t necessarily seem to have a reason.  There are certainly some questions that I have for Him, but I’m sure that someday I will come to understand why certain things turned out they way they did...maybe.  Maybe I never will.  I don’t understand why I was only in Nashville for such a short time when I was planning on being here much longer.  What I do know is that I have grown up more in the past 10 months than I have perhaps at any other point in my life.  I have learned more about life and myself than I ever dreamed I would, and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that without all the molding and shaping that God has done in me through this experience, I would not be remotely ready to move to South America.  I’m sure that many more challenges and learning experiences are forthcoming, but looking back over my life until this point, I can see how God directed and used every moment that I gave back to Him.  He never wastes time or tears.  He’s good like that.

One thing that I have learned about the changing of chapters and phases in life is that the more changes I experience, the more I am aware of what is constant.  That pretty much leaves God.  Although my understanding of Him changes as I grow closer to Him, I can stand confident in His unchanging character and these simple truths that hold me together:  He loves me, He loves the world, He knows better than me, He has a purpose for my life, this purpose is bigger and more important than me, and He will carry to completion the work He started.  Although He is into breaking down every mold and barrier anyone can place on Him and the way He works doesn’t always make sense to us, I know that He is good.  It is because of these unchanging things that I can move forward and trust His heart, because I know who He is.  My God can never be untrue to who He is.

Each step of the way, it seems that I am saying goodbye to something else.  My life is in utter turmoil right now and I am feeling so many emotions, yet through it all I have an incredible peace.  I know without a doubt that God has called me to move to South America.  A lot of people would be critical of my confidence, but I can guarantee those people have never grown close enough to God to take a risk with Him.  He is more than capable of communicating His will to us, and when that is what we desire, it is impossible to overlook.  He may reveal it to us in stages, but He makes each step clear as it comes time for us to do what He has asked.  God never leaves us in a comfortable place for long because our trust and reliance on Him is more important to Him than what we like or have grown accustomed to.  He knows that it is better for us to trust Him rather than be comfortable.  God “messes up” our lives in a variety of ways, and it looks different for every person.  However, in any case we must remember that He is good and that we can trust His heart.

The beautiful thing about following God into the unknown and saying goodbye to some things is that we can say hello to something greater.  It’s like walking toward the sunrise, into the sunrise.  We can rest in the knowledge that God will not let us fall.  We may experience failures and disappointments along the way, but through each stumble we learn to recognize the truer success that comes through following God’s will and living out our purpose for which He created us.  I have discovered more joy with every passing day than I knew the day before as I have drawn closer and closer to Him.  I have more confidence today than at any time in the past that God will come through even when things seem impossible.  Sometimes especially when things seem impossible.   And it is always amazing.  It never leaves any room for credit to go to anyone but Him.  I am beyond excited to see how He will come through in this next step.  I am excited to see how He uses this experience to draw my friends and family closer to Him.  Though there is much I cannot see, I choose to trust His heart.

Now I say goodbye to all that I used to know.  I say goodbye to how I have seen and understood the world up until this point.  I say goodbye to my insecurities, fears, and reservations.  I say goodbye to everything I thought I wanted and needed.  I am saying hello to so much more.  I say hello to a life of radical obedience to God.  I say hello to faith that can move mountains.  I say hello to seeing God’s Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.  May God use my hands, my feet, and everything I am to show His love to those who do not know it and shine His light to those who have lived in darkness for far too long.  May He shine His light into the deep corners of my heart that I might be changed to look more like Him.  May the things in my life that held me back or misrepresented Christ be stripped away that I might be a real and genuine reflection of His grace.  I am saying hello to the sunrise.  Hello, God.

Learning to Lay Down My Stone

There is a hard lesson that I have been learning lately.  It has to do with judgment.  There are some facts of life that are starting to come clear to me the older I get.  There are realizations I am having about myself that are very humbling.  I am discovering that life is not nearly as simple as I always thought it was.

As kids, teenagers, and into some of our adult years we see the world as black and white.  Things are either right or wrong.  The boundary lines are clear.  Someone likes you or they don’t.  A person is happy, sad, peaceful, or angry.  A musician has talent or they don’t.  People are either good or bad.

I am learning, however, that there is always so much more going on behind the scenes than we realize.  As a teller, sometimes a customer will come into the bank talking on his cell phone and I immediately classify that person as rude and inconsiderate.  What do I know about the situation or either person having the conversation?  Maybe someone’s mother died or his wife just lost her job.  How could I come to such a rash conclusion without truly knowing what is happening?

Sometimes I’m even tempted to judge people I spend a lot of time around, such as my coworkers.  It is one thing to draw conclusions about someone I do not know; it is another matter entirely to think that I know someone I really do not.  The truth is, no matter how well I think I know someone, there is always so much more that I am not aware of.  They may be acting in a manner that totally offends me.  How selfish is it to think that it is all about me?  99.9% of the time, it has nothing to do with me.

Life is not a straight-forward thing.  No one gets it right every time.  Sometimes, there is no right answer.  Sometimes there is more than one.  Sometimes good, better, or best are irrelevant; sometimes things are just the way they are, simple as that.  I have learned that life is neither fair nor unfair.  Life is just the way it is.  I have stopped blaming it for my unhappiness.

Probably the most life-changing lessons I have learned lately have been inward realizations.  I used to think that I was a pretty good person.  I used to think that I was dependable, responsible, and trustworthy.  I used to think in a prideful way that I was someone worth knowing because I had achieved a level of goodness that many had not.  What I have realized lately is that I am just like everyone else.  I have things that I am working through.  I have weaknesses I battle every day.  I am no different.

My cousin once said to me, “I have learned more from my failures than I have from my successes.”  The more I think about this, the more I come to find it is true.  When I look back over my life, especially in two significant ministry relationships, I can honestly say that I blew it.  I can pinpoint specific things that I did that damaged greatly a trust I had been given.  It seems to me that I should get better with time, but I am discovering this is not true.  In some ways I feel that I am getting worse.  I am discovering more and more every day that there are so many layers to myself.  There’s so much more to me, good and bad, than I ever knew before.

As I grow older, the challenges I face grow bigger.  Sometimes I want to say to life, “Slow down!  I didn’t quite get the last lesson right!  I’m not ready to move on to the next!  Can we go over that one again?”  It seems that every new step in the journey I feel even more unprepared for than I felt for the last one.  I don’t know if I make more mistakes now than I used to or if I am just noticing them more.  It seems every day I make bolder mistakes.  I say something completely rude that in the past I would never have dreamed of saying.  I gossip and I wonder what in the world would bring that out.  I never used to do that.  I talk badly about someone to my friends.  I carry grudges and hold anger in my heart toward people.  I am becoming far more judgmental of others rather than more understanding.  Who is this person I am becoming?  Is this the person I always was?  Am I stepping backward in my growth process?

I have always longed for and sought to do good with my life.  However, I am more and more aware every day of my capacity to do evil.  Before long I find myself spiraling out of control, and I lay myself before the throne of God, begging for His grace, forgiveness, and mercy.  Why is there so much bad in me?  Where did all of this come from?

Paul wasn’t kidding when he said that God’s strength is made perfect in weakness.  I understand now what it means to say that it is only by the grace of God I am anything.  Without His strength and Holy Spirit in my life, I would continue to make bad decision after bad decision because that is my nature.  I cannot be good without Him.  There is no good in me apart from Him.

Probably one of the biggest learning experiences I have had occurred in the past few months.  God led me to work with a group, and I pursued it enthusiastically.  As time passed, and I sought to find my niche, I discovered that I could not find one.  This was so confusing to me, because I knew that God had led me to this group.  Eventually, after several doors closed, I finally sensed that God was leading me somewhere else.  I made so many mistakes in the whole process, even though the intention of my heart was right.  More than anything I wanted to follow God, and I believe that I did.  However, in the process I demonstrated irresponsibility and poor leadership among other things.  I lost the respect of someone I greatly admire because I did not handle the situation well.  I learned that even though my heart was in the right place, my actions demonstrated my immaturity.

I could make a case that I am young and inexperienced.  This is very true.  I am only learning how to follow God.  I stumbled around when I did not sense a clear direction.  I fell down a couple times, and it is tempting to not get up again.  Satan definitely would love for me to stay on the ground, wallowing in my insecurity.  However, God does not teach through insecurity.  This is not of Him.  He teaches through mistakes, failed ventures, and broken relationships.  He brings beauty from ashes as we learn wisdom, reliance, and forgiveness...not only for others, but also for ourselves.  There is absolutely no peace without forgiveness.

I am also learning that I am capable of so much more than I thought.  Through following God’s calling every step of the way, He leads me into new things that grow more and more impossible.  Coming through on the other side, I learned that I could do so much more than I thought before.  Had I not taken the step, I would never have known.  I often look back to the scared teenage girl I used to be, convinced that I would never amount to anything.  Then I see where I am today and remember all the amazing experiences I have had along the way.  Who would have known?  Who could have predicted that a depressed, insecure, and fearful girl would end up here today?  I have only one answer through my mistakes and successes:  only by the grace of God.  I don’t think it’s prideful in the least bit to recognize all the good God has been able to do in my life and through me.  I may be one fry short of a happy meal at times, but God can and has used this mess of a girl to bring Him glory.  I pray that He does so even more through me in the future.

In John 8:1-11, John tells a story of a woman caught in the act of adultery.  In this time, if anyone was found committing such a sin, the law gave orders that they must be stoned to death.  The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought this woman to Jesus to ask His opinion on what should be done.  They wanted to catch Jesus saying something that in that time was illegal, in order to arrest Him.  In this situation, they believed they had a clear-cut answer of what was right and what was wrong.

I often wonder what Jesus was drawing in the sand.  Was it a list of the sins of all those present?  Perhaps it was a simple giraffe.  Whatever it was, the words that came out of His mouth have been ringing in the back of my mind lately:  “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”  One by one, each person laid down his stone and walked away until there was no one left standing with the woman but Jesus.

That woman was guilty, no doubt about it.  If we were totally honest right now, we would each admit that we all have found ourselves in her shoes at one point or another.  We have been guilty before a crowd of people who long to throw their stones of judgment at us, and they would be “justified” in doing so.  However, Jesus draws a picture of grace in the sand before us, calling all who might judge us to consider first their own guilt and shame.  We are all the same.  We are all guilty.  Only Jesus who lived life without sin has the right to pass judgment on us.  How humbling it is that when we find ourselves alone with Him after all our accusers have walked away, we do not stand condemned.  Rather, He offers us forgiveness.  He calls us to change.  That is true grace.

Just as we have been forgiven, we must learn to forgive others.  We must be slow to anger, frustration, and offense.  In contrast, we should be quick to give grace, understanding that there are circumstances beyond what we can understand.  We have no right to cast our stones on those around us who are just as guilty as we are.  Only God knows the plans He has for each and every one of us.  He delights in taking the people least qualified and calling them to do great things.  Who knows, but the person I least expected to change the world could be the one God calls to do it.  Who am I to stand in the way?  How could I ever know?

I am learning to lay down my stone that I so carelessly fling in all directions at times.  I am discovering that I know and understand so little, and it is a process figuring out how to deal with that.  I want to be a grace-giver rather than a judgment-assigner.  Could I walk away and let Jesus make the final call?  Lord, soften my heart to Your purposes.  Let forgiveness be my primary response to any offense, justifiable or not.  Take my stone away from me as I learn to be more like You.

Evangelism: Loving My Neighbor Next Door and Around the World

After work the other day I walked down to the liquor store.  I didn’t go to buy some wine or to check out the merchandise.  I walked in to see a good friend of mine that works there.  After talking with him, I went to hang out with one of my closest friends for the rest of the evening.  She is Muslim.  As the last few months have passed, I have developed such a love for these two people, and for many others in my life that do not know Christ.  Perhaps in times past I have not allowed myself to get close enough to care so much.

For the majority of my life, I have had mixed feelings about the concept of evangelism.  The picture in my mind was always of missionaries who went into a tribe to preach the Gospel, and in a year everyone was wearing jeans and a t-shirt just like them.  Church had the same liturgical style that the missionaries loved back home.  The natives stopped hunting and started farming instead.  Everyone was required to learn English and read the Bible in the King James Version.  They all basically gave up their culture for this “Jesus” that didn’t even sound like the Jesus I read about in the Bible.

What about evangelism in the States?  My mind goes immediately to door-to-door “three steps to know where you will spend eternity” pitches with people that have never met one another before and will most likely never see each other again.  Then I think about those outspoken types that everyone gets annoyed with.  You know who I’m talking about:  the kind that always speak their mind about everyone else’s business when everyone else knows that the one talking has more problems than anyone else they know.  Maybe the one talking is too “perfect”...too good to be true.  She has no sense of humor and cannot relate to normal people’s conversations.  None of these really seem appealing to me.  They make me feel uncomfortable.

I hate it when someone tries to tell me how to feel, and I hate it even more when someone tells me what I should believe.  I’m not a fan of sales people, because everyone knows they are only trying to sell you something to benefit themselves, no matter how much they smooth talk you into believing they want what’s best for you.  What’s the benefit of evangelism?  Well if I can convince you to believe something, then perhaps it would feed my ego.  If my church can convert more people than the church down the street, then we must be more in touch with God.  We must be holier than they are.  It is a sign that God is truly blessing OUR ministry.

Evangelism has always left a bad taste in my mouth, and whenever people have said that we’re going out to do evangelism, my stomach has turned because I feel like we’re entering like conquistadors into a place, seeking in essence to “conquer for Jesus”.  In the past when I have done it, that is how I felt.  What happens is, many people end up losing even more respect for Christians.  I can almost hear what they’re thinking:  we’re ok with what we believe, but it appears that you are not ok simply believing what you believe.  Why would you try to force your beliefs on us?

So I just accepted a position to move to South America for two and a half years to do what again?  Evangelism.  Sweet.  This is one of those things that if I were writing the story of my life, I would definitely not have included this one in the chapter list.  However, God wouldn’t let it go, and I love Him too much to refuse to do something that He has made it so clear He wants me to do.  If I could be honest for a few minutes, I will share how God is beginning to soften my heart toward something that I have been so hostile toward for many years.

Looking at how Jesus conducted His ministry for three years, there is such a stark difference between His style and so many of the styles I see churches organizing today.  Somehow, Jesus connected with people at their point of need, whether it was a health infirmity, a loved one in trouble, or a simple curiosity.  He found the place of their hunger and spoke truth where before there had only been empty rules and regulations.  People were attracted to Him because they knew that He cared about the things that mattered deeply to them, and also because He spoke a truth that resonated within the hunger of their hearts.

One of the things about Jesus that is so amazing is that He didn’t love people just so they would believe what He was telling them.  Obviously, He longed for people to accept truth, and He knew better than anyone the consequences of denying it.  What’s even more stunning is that Jesus didn’t try to talk people into believing the truth either.  If He did anything, He tried to talk people out of it (at least the ones who were only half serious about it).  Time after time someone would walk up to Him and say, “I will follow you wherever you go!” and Jesus would respond with a list of reasons why the person shouldn’t:  the person may not have a place to live or they might have to sell everything they have.  He was honest about the cost.  Jesus wasn’t looking to win everyone to His cause; rather He gave light to a people He loved who were surrounded by darkness.  He proclaimed undiluted truth that was more real than the impressive and obvious hypocrisy everyone was so used to seeing.  He knew that they were searching for something more, and He knew that He was the answer.

When I think about the love that Jesus had for everyone, that He would step out of the heavens, come as a little child, live with them and give His life at their hands, I am amazed.  Then I think to myself, do I love anyone that much?  Have I allowed myself to care about anyone besides myself to the degree that I would step out of the wonderful comfort zone that I have grown to love, enter into their world, live with them and give my life for them?  That is quite a sacrifice.  That is complete denial of myself, and as much as I talk about it in church or even in my blogs, I wonder if I have even scratched the surface of understanding such a love.  This is the same love that God is calling me to have and to show for the next two and a half years.  It’s not about conquering a neighborhood or a city for Jesus.  It’s not even about building a bigger church with more members than the next city over where people are doing the same thing.  It’s about learning how to love people like Jesus did.  It’s about taking on the heart of God and seeing these people through His eyes.  It’s about proclaiming raw truth to a society that has believed a lie.  It’s about bringing light to a people that have only known darkness.  And lest I start to believe that my great knowledge or belief system is the light these people need to see and the message they need to hear, may God humble me in any way necessary to understand that it is Him and only Him who will satisfy the deep hunger in their hearts.  It is His love, not mine that they need.

I want to love people like God loves them.  That is such a dangerous thing to say.  Surely it will break my heart day after day.  I know that I will wrestle inside and out with the darkness that has infiltrated lives for so long.  In many ways, God’s light is still breaking through the darkness in my life as well.  Despite how difficult I know it will be and the cost that Jesus has made so clear, I desire more than anything to know Christ and to become like Him.  I want to know His love and passion for the world; I want it to consume every part of me.  There is no place for lukewarm bodies in the Kingdom of God.  I can’t love Jesus and keep myself at a distance from those for whom He gave everything.  That just doesn’t make any sense. 

My prayer for the next two and a half years is this:  may God strip away everything in me that is not of Him and may He renew my passion for those who do not know Him.  May He use my life to proclaim truth in the midst of lies and shine His light in pitch-black darkness.  May His love fill me to the point of overflowing so that everyone He loves becomes everyone that I love as well.  I don’t want to operate from any other center.  I want to understand that evangelism is not about conquering the world and my meager efforts to “save the lost”.  Who am I to believe that I can “save” anyone?  Rather, it is about loving my neighbor next door and around the world.  It is about drawing so close to my Savior’s heart that others come to know Him simply by knowing me.  That is what I desire for my life.  That is the prayer that I have been praying.  Take from me whatever You will and send me wherever You will.  Help me to love like You.