Blessing Not-So-In Disguise

Yesterday was an interesting day.  I’d been having some car issues for about two weeks.  In the beginning my brake light came on, so we checked the fluid and it was low.  Added fluid, light went off, all was great.  A week later, brake light came on again.  I called my friend and told him the problem, and we scheduled a time to take it to a shop yesterday to see if there might be a leak in a break line.  We met at 8:15 at the shop and started off a great Saturday.

Because there was a wait time, my friend...let’s call him Bob...decided that we should drive down to the Starbucks up the road to grab some coffee while we waited.  While we were there, the shop called and told us to come back over there, so we jumped in the car to head back and...the car that we had been driving was dead.

Now, the car didn’t actually belong to...Bob.  It belonged to our other friend...let’s call him Larry.  He picked up the phone and Bob started off the conversation with the words that every friend wants to hear:  “Hey!  Remember how you left your car at my place last night?”  While Larry came over with another car, I walked over to the car parts store to get price estimates on the parts needed to fix my car.  When I returned, we swapped to Larry’s other car and headed back to get mine while Larry fixed his first car.

It turns out that my car was worse than I expected and I was advised strongly not to drive it.  Therefore, I drove it home and basically couldn’t drive it anywhere else until I got it fixed.  My friend...let’s call her Natalie...offered to let me borrow her car until my friend Bob could fix mine.  Even though I had to call in to my Sunday job, it turned out that I was able to go to church this morning instead.  My friend Bob and his wife came and picked me up and we headed that way.  Some other friends gave me a ride back.  What an incredible thing to experience.  I have never been so thankful for car trouble in my life.  I wouldn’t have traded this blessing not-so-in disguise for the world.

This morning we talked about something that was very fitting to my situation, and it was something that I needed to be reminded of at this point in my journey:  community.  All of the aforementioned people with their pseudo names are a part of our Sunday School class, and I knew that I could call on them to help me if I was ever in trouble.  It turns out that this was the point when I really needed them, and they came through with flying colors.  I realized this morning how blessed I am to be a part of a community that lives out the things that we talk about.  We live life together.  We share each other’s burdens and we celebrate together.  I can’t get past the feeling that this is a taste of what Jesus had in mind for the church.

It may seem like such a little thing, but it really meant the world to me.  What means even more to me is to know that my friends have my back not just in practical matters such as my car or rides to and from church, but also in life.  Some friends of ours are struggling with a decision of whether or not to move somewhere to start a new phase in their ministry.  We are covering them in prayer.  I am facing some personal things here in the coming days that are very difficult and exciting.  In many ways that I cannot share at this point, it has been difficult, but how amazing it is to have a group of people that share your passion and believe in your dreams with you.  All of us want what is best for everyone else in our group, even if it means that we will be moving far away from the group or taking a different direction.  We are all serving Christ together in relationship with Him and each other.  It’s such a beautiful thing.

As we talked in church this morning about living in worship and going out into the world in mission, we were each reminded in personal ways of our callings.  I was challenged to continue down the path I am headed and to not be afraid, even though I may not have all the support I feel that I need.  I was reminded this morning how blessed I am to have this group of friends that has walked with me and stood by me through the process.  I have everything I truly need.  Now is where the rubber meets the road and I must choose to be courageous. 

This isn’t the most eloquent of blog posts that I have had, but I wanted to thank everyone in my Sunday School class for their support through this small situation and the bigger one as well.  Your prayers and encouragement mean more than you know.  You truly have shown me what it means to be the Body of Christ outside the walls of a building we occasionally call church.  You have shown me what friendship is all about.  Moving out to Nashville without knowing anyone was a scary thing, but you took so much of the pressure off as you offered yourselves to me in friendship and any other thing I might need.  Just knowing that someone was there gave me so much peace and confidence.  God brought you all into my life at just the right time, and I thank you for including me in the group and allowing God to use you in so many ways in my life and the lives of so many others.  It is encouraging to know that the first century Church is not an extinct concept.  I have seen it lived out in each of you.

What a wonderful thing it has been to know you.  As I read this over, it sounds like I’m leaving or something.  That is not my intended voice here.  I simply wanted to take an opportunity to express my gratitude and appreciation for everything you have done and who you are.  You are a blessing to me.

Find Rest, O My Soul

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.” –Psalm 62:5

I don’t exactly know what it is about this verse that makes me so angry.  Perhaps it is the clear command for my soul to find rest.  Why?  To what end?  I could blame my need for constant activity on a society focused on accomplishment.  The pace at which almost everyone I know lives their lives is enough to send someone to their grave at an early age.  It’s no wonder so many people have unidentifiable diseases and conditions:  our bodies are under constant stress to the point that it seems we have no control anymore.  We live our lives enslaved to obligations and basic human needs are left in the dust.

I don’t know how many meals I’ve skipped over the years because I’ve either forgotten to eat or run out of time.  I lost count of how many weeks I’ve worked all seven days.  Even though the entire time I’m doing it I am thinking about how much I hate being so busy, it’s like an addiction; it’s a drug.  I can’t stop.  Why do I feel that I need to maintain an impossible pace in life?  At which point am I going to crumble into a million pieces?

When I look deep inside, I think a lot of this is driven by fear.  I am afraid of being lazy.  I look at people that have not amounted to much in their lives because they are couch potatoes or settle for a menial job for their entire lives when they could have done so much more.  I don’t want to turn out like that.  I am afraid of wasting time.  I feel that in order to be an accomplished person, I must be with people all the time, building relationships and working toward something meaningful.  I am afraid that if I said “no” to an invitation to a social outing that I would be considered a recluse and, for lack of a better word, anti-social.  In the times that I have managed to say “no”, this is exactly how I have felt.  I am afraid that if I say “no”, they’ll stop asking me.  I’m afraid that ultimately I will end up alone.  Part of me longs so desperately to be a part of something; the other part of me is so exhausted it doesn’t know which way is up.

Another trap that I have found that has contributed to this endless cycle involves having a lot of interests and wanting to pursue them all.  I am a dreamer, and I have so many ideas and plans that I can’t afford to stop for a moment in my crusade to truly live.  We only live for approximately 100 years; 20 of those years we are growing up, and the 20 or so at the end we are not able to do very much because physically our bodies start to shut down.  Therefore, that leaves 60 years to experience it all and change the world.  We’d better get started.  I like music, art, movies, writing, travel, etc. and I must do it all.  What on earth is the Bible talking about in finding rest?  I don’t have time to rest.  I’ll sleep when I die.

Perhaps this has contributed to the worsening of my ADD symptoms and occasional twitching.  I realized yesterday when I was in Starbucks that the cashier had ample reason to believe that I was psychotic.  My eyes wouldn’t stop darting from one place to another quite rapidly, and I could not maintain eye contact or carry on a basic conversation.  I was so incredibly tired that my body had gone into hyper vigilance mode.  It was such a weird feeling, but I’m sure it’s a natural defense mechanism.  Hot chocolate brought me out of it temporarily, but the true problem lies in the fact that I cannot relax.

Find rest, my soul.  Where are you hiding?  I sit down to spend time with God, and so many thoughts flood through my head, I cannot even carry one to completion.  I become so overwhelmed that I have to walk away.  I escape into my imagination where my mind is just as busy.  Rest?  I hardly understand the concept anymore.  I can sometimes sit down and watch a movie all the way through, and once in a while I can pick up a book that helps slow down my heart rate, but not for long and I am not truly resting.  I sit on my patio and watch the sun rise while the birds chirp away and the moment feels wonderful, but I cannot stick to it.  Something inside of me is terrified.  I must leave and go do something.  Do what?  I don’t know...but something.

I wonder if maybe the Enemy of our souls has us in the palm of his hand.  He doesn’t need to convince us that God isn’t real or that He doesn’t want what’s best for us.  All the Enemy has to do is keep us so busy and worn out that we don’t have time to think about it.  It’s like showing a dog his tail and encouraging him to chase after it.  By the time we realize that we have been spinning in circles and going nowhere, we don’t have anything left and our tails hurt because we just did it to ourselves.

The church is a great place to witness this.  Especially for women, it is considered spiritual to be on every committee and to be as involved as possible.  We must be at all the luncheons and Bible studies.  If we can sing, it is expected that we be on worship team and in the choir, and on top of that we must teach Sunday School for the first graders.  The most unnatural thing I have ever done is to attend my church and only be involved in Sunday School.  I felt like such a heathen.  I felt guilty.  Even though I was ultimately taking care of myself and protecting my sanity, I viewed myself as an undedicated Christian.

Busyness is bad enough, and then we spiritualize it.  We say that God desires everything from us, so therefore we must sacrifice ourselves for His Kingdom.  We must spend all our time doing all we can for Him.  When we find we cannot go at full-speed all the time, we conclude that we are weak and that we don’t have enough faith.  We pray for strength to do all that we think that God is asking of us, when what He really desires from us He never gets from us because we are too busy doing things “for Him”.  We are never fulfilled.  By the time we realize what has happened, we find that we have constructed our own idea of who God is, but the real One we do not know.  Matthew 7:21-23 says, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’  Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you.  Away from me, you evildoers!’”

Wouldn’t that be the worst thing that could ever happen to a person?  A woman spends her life slaving away in the church, wearing herself out for all the programs and activities it offers, and when she finally stands before Jesus, He tells her that He never knew her?  To us, that is the most angering thing that could be said.  She earned that reward!  She deserves to be praised, not sent away in shame.  What kind of loving and gracious God could do that?  Surely He is rational and understanding and will let her in.

However, God’s grace isn’t something someone can earn.  The well-known passage of Scripture we usually quote with this concept is Ephesians 2:8-9:  “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”  The passages we often miss are ones like Matthew 6:26, 28:  “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?...See how the lilies of the field grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.”  We read this passage and know that we should not worry, but do we understand that God lavishes His love and provision on His children, not because we have proven ourselves to Him, but simply because we have great worth as His creation?  Simply because He loves us?

God knows us inside and out.  There is no need for us to prove ourselves to Him.  There is no worth that we can earn that we do not already have in His eyes.  He loves us with an incredible passion and He calls us to live in the presence and fulfillment of this love.  1 Corinthians 13:3 says, “If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”  In other words, it is meaningless!  All of our striving, all of our work, all of our sacrifice...for nothing.  One of the sweetest passages in the Old Testament is Hosea 6:6, “I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices.  I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings.”  God wants us to KNOW HIM.  We cannot give God anything that He does not have; all that exists is His.  We cannot offer Him a service that He needs, because He has everything He needs.  Our lives are about His desire for us to be in relationship with Him and our deep longing and desire to be in relationship with Him too.  He desires us, and He created us to desire Him too.

I know that God desires for me to do great things, as He has a purpose for each one of our lives.  Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  However, I cannot follow His will for my life if I do not know Him.  I can read the Bible and all kinds of spiritual books all day long, create my own idea of what God wants, and put my everything into seeing it through, but if I do not know Him, then everything I do is meaningless.  How can I know His will if I do not know Him?  Life is not about what we do; it is about who we are and how close we are to Christ.  Do we know Him?  Do we stop our busyness long enough to know Him?

“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone...”  Until I can live my life in response to God rather than an obligation to Him, nothing I do will matter; and I cannot live in response to Him if I am not close enough to Him to hear His voice.  I don’t want to wear myself out for Him, giving all my time and energy to a program or another good thing.  I don’t want to be sent away from His presence at the end of my life, having sacrificed it all for nothing.  Like the birds of the air and the lilies of the field, can I rest in the knowledge that my hope and faith are secure in Christ?  Can I settle down long enough to see that God delights in my blessed unproductiveness as I soak up His presence and drink the living water of His love?  Can I lay down my expectations and my desire to be admired long enough to see that I mean everything to God?  Who else’s opinion of me matters?  I don’t need to accomplish anything for my life to matter.  The truth has already been spoken:  “...my hope comes from Him.”

The Easy Road

This past year has been one of intense learning, growing, and developing for me.  I have taken big risks in faith trusting that God would come through, and I have watched Him work miracles.  I am learning to communicate better with my friends and family.  However, probably the most significant thing that God has been doing in my life recently is helping me to develop confidence in who I am and encouraging me to develop my talents and skills.  I have spent my life hesitating on my long-term goals, taking risks in some areas, but only those that were short-term and a safe distance away from my core.  When it comes to believing and accepting the talents that I have been given by God, I have been afraid like the third servant in Matthew 25.  I hid my talent in the ground.

There are a few long-term goals I have, such as working with children, living on the mission field, and participating in orphan care somewhere in the world.  One long-term goal that God has been pressing on my heart for years is to be an author.  Some people write maybe a book or two in their lifetimes focused around certain events or tragedies that have occurred in their lives.  My calling, however, is more of a beckon toward a secondary career.  It is one that God will use in conjunction with whatever ministry job He has me doing in the world throughout my life.

Fear is an amazing thing, because it gives us an excuse to be lazy and watch our lives pass us by.  All we have to do is wait one more day...every day, and all of a sudden we realize that half our lives are gone and we had so much potential that we wasted.  I struggle to use the word potential, because it sounds so individualistic and anti-faith, but I am going to be bold and stand by it.  God has given us gifts and talents, and He is not the only One that has to do the work.  He doesn’t simply place a calling on our lives, wave His magic wand, and we are suddenly accomplished.  He entrusts us with something that we must nurture, cultivate, and work toward.  I can say with near absolute certainty that anyone who has ever tried to be an author will say that it is incredibly difficult and takes a lot of hard work.  In many ways I wonder if I am smart enough to do something like that, but I know that God would not call me to something that He won’t equip me to do.  I must trust Him to make me ready each step of the way.

The easy road would be to simply continue doing what I’m doing:  going to work and coming home and watching Netflix.  It is a simple life, and there is a certain contentment in simplicity.  However, I don’t want to live my life wondering “What if?”  What if I had actually done what I daydreamed about for years?  I would never know what I could have done because I never tried.  If I truly believe that anything is possible with God, and I understand that God is calling me to a certain purpose, then I must be capable of so much more than I think I am and I need to stop selling myself short.  God will not lead me anywhere that He will not see me through.  Psalm 138:8a says, “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.”  This is a promise.  I must be obedient in my response.

I am taking the leap.  I am putting myself out there.  God will determine the outcome.  Every day I will choose courage instead of fear.  I will work hard at what it is that God has placed in my hands.  With His strength, I will face each challenge as it comes.  I am going to be focusing heavily on my blog, and I have made a few inquiries with people I know who may be aware of writing opportunities.  I want to write on spiritual topics and assist ministries in their endeavors.  Looking at my writing, I see much room for improvement, and I need feedback from experienced writers and editors to help me develop my skills.  I need practice with a variety of different styles.  If you are reading this and you are aware of someone who would like to talk to me, please leave a comment on my blog, Twitter, or Facebook page.  I am looking forward to seeing what God will do.  I am excited about the relationships that will be made along the way.  I am choosing to abandon the easy road for the rocky one.  I believe it will be worth it.

Step By Step

The calling of God is a curious thing, and many have attempted to explain it over the years.  It is amazing to me how explainable yet unexplainable it really is.  For me, it is something that is established so deeply inside of me that it is more a part of who I am than everything I think I am.  To go against this calling would be to deny my very purpose...the very definition of who I am.  Over the years, I feel that I have come closer to scratching the surface of this core, but it is a process that will take my entire life.

It’s like a reality that is more real to me than the things I see, touch, and taste every day.  However, it is also more mysterious to me than the prize hidden behind door number two.  It is a question that only my Creator can answer, and one that He answers His own way.  The answer is not simple; rather, it is the most complex mystery man can ever face.  To try to, in a sense, “figure out” the will of God, man would drive himself crazy.  However, Paul says in Romans 12:1-2 that we are called to do just that:  “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.”

There are some things about God’s will that are clear as crystal.  It is God’s desire that everyone would come to know Him and experience His love for them.  It is God’s longing that we would all be united in heart and mind as we seek His face.  He calls us to love mercy, act justly, and to walk with Him in humility.  These are irrevocable truths and apply to everyone.  The difficulty then lies in the part each of us plays in the great plan.  We all have a purpose, and we are all aware that somewhere deep inside we have a purpose, but tapping into that purpose is something that we all wrestle with.

There are several keys that I have found to understanding our “calling” in life.  These keys have got to be the most frustrating things I have ever come to know, yet they are lovely beyond comparison.  They are what have led me to the plot of land where the pearl of great price is buried.  It is that pearl that I would give everything I have to possess.  Unlike anything else in life, it is worth everything I have and so much more.  I do not deserve it.  I cannot give or do enough to earn it.  However, by the grace of God, we are given this gift.

It is a gift, yet it will cost you everything.  I am beginning to wrap my mind around what it means to give everything.  It is not simply a matter of selling everything in my apartment.  It also involves being willing to leave my family behind, to give up my reputation, and to sacrifice my dreams to a will that I do not understand.  As anti-normal as this might sound and believe me, it is fantastically confusing:  there’s nothing in the world I want more than to surrender myself to God’s purpose that is so much bigger than me and deeper than I can comprehend.  It sounds like enslavement, but it is true freedom.

The first key to understanding our purpose is the reality that we were made to know God and to be in relationship with Him.  So many people I have met over the years inside churches and outside churches misunderstand this most important key.  It is not about “religion” which involves a set of rules, habits, and rituals we need to carry out.  It is about truly knowing God; seeking Him with all of our heart.  Imagine Almighty God of the Universe allowing Himself to be known by someone as insignificant as you and me.  The moment we think we have grasped a hold of what this means is the very moment we have lost touch with this truth.  It is a wonder and a grace that we cannot take for granted.  So many people live their lives dedicated to church programs, wearing themselves out trying to find what has been offered to them freely all along:  a relationship with our Creator.

Another key is understanding that we are the ones being pursued.  We are on the receiving end of all of this.  God has already made the first move, and He continues to do this throughout our lives in big and in small ways.  He is the ultimate man, always taking the initiative toward the ones who He delights in:  us.  We must learn to live in response to Him.  I have struggled throughout my life with this concept, because there have been times when I felt that God was doing nothing; moments and years that were seemingly empty.  Some call this the Great Silence of God.  I prayed and He didn’t answer.  I sought but I didn’t find.  Waiting for Him seemed like the greatest waste of time.  I continued to seek after Him, however, with a desire to know Him and to please Him and I found that God never wastes time or sorrow.  It was during these times when I heard nothing that I found He was doing His greatest work yet.  He was still initiating.  He was still pursuing me.  I needed to learn to trust His hand in the dark.

Yet another key to our purpose is knowing this truth:  God IS Creator.  He did not simply create the world in six days in the beginning and quit.  He is constantly creating.  I have yet to see two sunrises alike.  No two snowflakes have been found to be the same.  Each fingerprint holds an identity.  Beyond these simple wonders, I have discovered that I am being changed every day.  As I learn more about God and seek Him with all that I am, I find that it is He who is creating the masterpiece inside of me.  There are places of my heart that even I am unaware of, but they are not hidden from God.  He is aware and He is active with every brushstroke, every painful refining, and every splash of color.  It has only been since I have settled down in my striving to do this, that, or the other thing (and many of those things I thought I was doing FOR Him) that I have discovered the ultimate peace and joy in sitting at His feet and watching all that He is doing.  I love being in on the great secret.

Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”  Talk about one of the most misunderstood verses in the Bible.  Two concepts we must learn to understand before we take this completely out of context:  what does it mean to delight ourselves in the Lord?  What are the desires of our hearts?

Delighting ourselves in the Lord involves living every moment with the awareness that we are His delight.  It is understanding that we are not human DOINGS but rather human BEINGS.  Just like Mary sat at Jesus’ feet while Martha focused on the chores, we must discover the peace that is offered to us in simply being with Him.  At times it feels unproductive and wasteful.  We are such a results-driven society.  However, God is not simply about the result.  He is also about the process.  He is completely about the relationship.  How many times do I stop to listen to the birds sing outside my window, or pause to watch the fireflies dance under the trees?  I could accomplish much more than anyone expected out of me and miss the heart and beauty of God.  To miss His heart is to miss the desires that He has placed in ours.

How do you explain a heart’s desire?  It goes beyond something we want.  In fact, we can want a lot of things that deny our heart’s desire.  We must learn to get beyond the petty things that seem so important to us at times.  The real treasure is unveiled slowly, dramatically, and timely.  It is a mystery that is hidden from us for a time.  Once we have seen it, we know that we have longed for it every day of our lives.  It is a homesickness that grows stronger the closer we draw to its revealing.  It is something so deeply personal that no one can show you except your Creator who placed it inside of you the moment He first thought of you.  It is something you cannot exaggerate or over-expect.  We have no idea how to expect something so beautiful.

So I follow Him step by step.  I walk with Him step by step.  There may or may not be ground beneath my next one.  It is a dangerous journey that will without question be painful and without a doubt cost me everything.  However, there is no treasure greater than knowing God and being known by Him.  I have no idea what the future holds.  If I could see much further into the future, I might take off running and miss the beauty in the One that I am walking beside.  It is not about the destination like I thought for so long.  It is not even about the steps along the way.  It is all about my Companion.  The desires of our hearts are not about an accomplishment, but rather they are a gift.  It’s learning to relish in His smile.  It is dancing is His embrace.  There is so much more to this journey that I am discovering every day.  I am enjoying every moment and I wouldn’t miss this for the world.

Reckless Possibilities

We live in such an interesting world with such interesting ideas of normal.  For instance, it’s normal in the United States to own a car (at least one).  It is normal to drink coffee.  (Personally, I reject the second, but that’s beside the point.)  Furthermore, society’s understanding of normal changes with every generation.  It was not many years ago that going to college after completing high school was abnormal.  Now, it is considered abnormal to not go to college.  It seems across the board that every person has a certain set of expectations they must adhere to that reflects the culture they live in.

There are certain things that are across the board abnormal no matter what culture you live in.  One of these things is the true desire to do great things.  As children, we are encouraged to dream of becoming whatever we want to be, but as adults those who dare to dream big are labeled negatively for it.  Our society can only handle a certain amount of possibility before it calls a dreamer reckless.  There are a few notable people that we admire for pursuing their dreams anyway:  Thomas Edison and Isaac Newton would be two examples.

As kids we are told that anything is possible, but we grow up when we realize it’s not.  It’s considered “maturity” and “rationality” to recognize our limitations, and we settle for half-lives and a diminished potential.  In the church, I grew up with a mixed message.  I read in the Bible that anything is possible with God, but was taught to be over-cautious.  I think it is wise to not jump into every idea that comes our way and it is important to seek God’s will, but so often we analyze something to the point that the God-sent opportunity passes and we are convinced once again of our insignificance.  We hesitate not because we are unsure of God’s will but because we are afraid of the risk, and there is nothing spiritual about that.

I have an adventurous spirit and a desire to do great things.  These two aspects of my personality are dangerous, but that is exactly what God had in mind when He made me.  People often view me as reckless because I see life and the Church as having fantastic possibilities.  Perhaps I am childish, but the Bible says that we must become like little children if we are to know Him and understand the Kingdom.  We hide behind our big words and our PhD’s, but the truth lies in a simple and unhindered trust.  It is for an important reason that Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed grows the largest tree and moves mountains without a second thought.  We think we understand this concept, but I think we know it in theory only.

We have created in our minds the idea that God is safe.  How incredibly wrong we are!  As much of a dreamer as I think I am, I have discovered that my ideas are a drop in the bucket compared to the creativity and dreams of God.  He is wild and dangerous and reckless.  Until we are willing to let go of our dignity, pride, and reputation, we will be settling for just a taste of His goodness.

I don’t want just a taste.  Jesus described a well that would not run dry.  People have and will always call me crazy because I don’t want to settle for anything less than everything God could have for me.  I’m so much like Peter.  Wash my feet?  No way!  Wash ALL of me!  I don’t want to miss God’s great firework show because I’m standing in a corner staring at a bug.  More than what God could possibly have for my life, I want to be a part of the great plan God has for the world.  I want to be a part of His Kingdom.

I have been fighting my desire for adventure my whole life.  I have been afraid of it.  It is this desire that takes me away from the irrational and causes me to be quite reckless at times.  However, it was just this morning as I was sharing my frustration with God that He showed me an incredible truth.  HE PUT THIS DESIRE IN MY HEART and if I dare to trust Him with all of my irrationality and recklessness, He has promised to lead me on the greatest adventure of life with Him.  I am not broken because of this.  I am not hindered by my supposed insanity, but rather it is through this God-given gift that I will come to know Christ in all His fullness.

God created all of us to be a part of something bigger than ourselves and He has placed desires in our hearts that reflect this calling.  So many times we suppress these desires because they are irrational and reckless.  We have succumbed to society’s understanding of normal and have rejected the truth.  God sets the standard for truth, and He gets excited at the thought of turning impossibilities into possibilities.  Yeah, it’s scary and there’s a great deal of risk involved.  It wouldn’t be called faith otherwise.  Here’s the question:  Do you want to live your entire life with two feet on the ground?  Do you want to look back and say, “Hallelujah!  I was safe!”  Or do you want to live the life that God created you to live...a life of reckless possibilities?  The choice is up to you.

How Many Ways?

I sat down tonight to talk to God and I discovered I literally had no idea what to say.  Now, anyone who knows me knows that this is a pretty rare occurrence.  However, in that moment when I finally sat down and quieted myself in His presence, I was overwhelmed by so many things.

I realized that I had enacted a defense mechanism with God that is so common for me to do with other people in my life:  avoidance.  I am a very difficult person to read because I have this same response to a variety of different problems.  If I like someone a lot, I avoid them.  If I don’t like someone, I avoid them.  If someone gets too close to my heart, I avoid them.  If I feel guilty for anything, I avoid a confrontation.  Even if I initially approach someone, apologize and in turn forgiveness is granted, I still avoid because of shame and fear.  I have been working on this for quite some time, but it is a natural and comfortable response for me.  I have become an expert at hiding...or at least trying to.

The problem with God is that I can’t hide from Him.  I can’t conceal my thoughts, feelings, or shame.  I can however avoid Him for any or perhaps most of the reasons listed above.  Not going to lie, I like Him a lot.  And absolutely, He gets way too close to my heart.  Lately, however, I have been fighting a lot of feelings of guilt toward our relationship.  This guilt has kept me in a state of avoidance.

I have dealt with the word “should” my whole life.  I should do this...I should do that.  I have come to realize that however perfect I “should” be, the reality is that I can’t be perfect.  It is quite the depressing thing to never measure up to all the things you think you “should” be.  Every influence in my life has had some sort of expectations.  My job expects me to act a certain way and fulfill certain obligations.  My family expects that I connect with them a certain way.  My friends expect me to do certain things and be there for certain things, and all of this is rightly so.  However, in my life there has never been any room for failure.  There has never been space for forgiveness, because there “should” never be anything to forgive. 

There is a certain truth that I have denied for so long and it has kept me enslaved to this horrible word.  First of all, there is only one Entity I ultimately answer to, and that is God.  He has the final word.  Although there is nothing wrong with trying to please others and adhering to the fulfillment of responsibilities, I must be careful that I do not step over the line into the world of “should”, where my very value and character depend on appeasing this desire.  The things that I do in life then do not reflect the desire of my heart, but rather a reluctant need to complete a task or earn approval.  There are always things in life that are required of us that we do not enjoy doing, but I never want to do anything or be with anyone based out of a state of reluctance.  I know that true freedom in Christ allows us to live above that.

I told God tonight, “I feel like every time I come to You, I have so many reasons to tell You I’m sorry.  I need Your forgiveness constantly.  I fail You in so many ways.”  It is this guilt that has kept me from coming to Him.  I feel that I “should” be spending more time with Him.  I know that there have been so many times lately that He has been drawing me close and inviting me in, and yet I avoided Him because the shame was too great.  However, sitting in His presence tonight I came to realize that these reasons for hiding from Him only served to show me that I do not know or understand Him at all.  If I really knew Him, I would know that what is waiting for me is only love.  My weaknesses serve as great opportunities for Him to receive glory in my life.  My failures are reminders that I am nothing without Him, that I can do nothing without Him, and that everything I am now is because of Him.

1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”  It is this perfect love that I do not understand.  In relationships, I have always believed that I needed to have it all together before I could be accepted.  I cannot comprehend love without condition, or love that sees beyond failures.  Like Peter, I wonder how many times one can forgive or be forgiven before the offended decides it is just too much.  Surely everyone has a limit.  Well, everyone but God.

How could God possibly love me so strongly when I fail Him so often?  There is no question in my mind that He is faithful.  It is me, however, that chases after so many other loves.  I long for so many things that I know can only be fulfilled in Him, yet I am constantly seeking for the answer somewhere else.  Why is my heart so irrational, running away from the very One who loves me much deeper than anyone else ever could?  He knows everything about me that I try to keep hidden from the world:  all the junk stored away in dark corners and closets.  Yet when I quiet myself before Him, all I feel is the overwhelming love He has for me.  I am baffled by His patience.  One of my favorite worship songs says, “You won’t relent until you have it all.  My heart is yours.”  I keep running away, and yet He still keeps chasing me down.  And He does this, not because He “should”, but because He desires me.

So why would I ever spend time with Him because I feel that I “should”?  Surely that is the greatest insult to any lover.  I will come to Him because I desire to be there with Him.  I want to know Him and I long to be known.  I am finding that forgiveness is so much more than putting an action in the past.  Forgiveness is seeing the true person behind the action, and honoring their value beyond the circumstance.  Forgiveness honors the relationship over the choice, and every one of us needs it from each other and from God constantly.  I hate coming to terms with being a part of the “everyone” clan, but that is something I can no longer run away from.

Instead of dwelling on the question I ask every time I enter His presence, “How many ways can I say that I am sorry?”, I will choose to rest in His response, “How many ways can I show you that I love you?”  It is not God’s will that we live in shame or that we avoid Him for whatever reason we might have.  He desires that we come to Him just as we are:  broken and in need of His grace.  Surely He will not stop short of pouring mercy upon mercy on our wounded hearts.  The Great Healer will lavish upon us everything we need in order to know Him and to be in right relationship with Him.  This is what we were created for, and His presence is the only place where our true fulfillment can be found.

Do you find yourself running away from God because you are ashamed of your failures?  There is nowhere you can go that is out of reach of His love.  He desires to be with you and to show you the extent of His love.  Stop fighting Him.  Come back to Him.  As Paul says in Romans 8:1:  “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Dreamer

I have an imaginary world that I spend a lot of time in.  Ever since I was a child, I would escape there for a variety of reasons.  Probably the most common instance has been when I feel inadequate or underestimated.  I imagine myself in situations where I am the hero or where I am respected and admired.  In this world I always say the right thing at just the right time and people can depend on me and I won’t let them down.

Perhaps the most important thing to me about my imaginary world is that everyone knows me for who I really am.  I have proven myself to them by holding true through difficult circumstances.  I no longer hide behind my fears and insecurities.  I am a rock star.  I am a daring protector.  I am a beautiful woman inside and out.  I am truly alive.

Sometimes it seems that my imaginary world is more real to me than the life I live in reality...at least I want it to be.  I love the feeling of freedom.  I love believing I can let loose and be ME and not be shamed for it.  I wish I could have this feeling in the real world and I often wonder what it is that holds me back.  In one world I am powerful; in the other I am powerless. 

I think perhaps I’m not the only one who understands this.  At times, the contrast is remarkable between the two worlds, and I wonder which one is the real me.  In reality, have I put on a mask to hide my true self?  In my imaginary world, have I created a persona that is too perfect and wonderful?  The scariest thing to think about is that perhaps the real me is neither.

It wasn’t long ago that I realized that I had been believing a lot of lies about myself and my worth.  I had a skewed perception of my value.  I cared too much about what other people thought about me and had not thought nearly enough about what God thought about me.  Surely that could only be bad.  I had never thought about it this way before, but I realized that perhaps the reality of who I am is not who I think I am nor is it who I want to be.  Who I am is who God sees me to be, and if this is true, then a lot of things in my life need to change.

It’s a pretty scary thing to realize that the person you always thought you were could be wrong.  It is also a devastating thing to realize that the person you have tried so hard to be and dreamed about for so many years could be wrong as well.  I had a hard time giving up both, and it’s something that I still struggle with.  The me I thought I was with all my insecurities and doubts held a curious comfort zone for me.  It was safe to believe in a low-achiever.  On the contrary, the me that I had created in my mind was everything I wanted to be with all the charisma and courage in the world.  I had developed someone with a radically different personality that I perceived was better.  It was fun to put on that skin and imagine a different me even though I knew in my other reality that I could never do the things I dreamed of in my mind.  I was divided and I was wrong on both counts.

The thing that is so amazing about truth is that it doesn’t change and it simply exists.  It doesn’t matter what we believe.  Truth is truth.  That is something that our society has completely denied.  To most people in our culture, truth is relative to perception.  If someone wants to believe in God, then that is true for them.  If someone doesn’t want to believe in God, then that is their truth and their reality.  There is no wrong; there is only perception and tolerance.  We have taken a social convention and made it a belief system.  However, no matter what anyone believes, truth is truth.  Gravity exists, we need oxygen to breathe, and God is the only reality that truly matters.

It is easier for me to accept this in the bigger picture than when it comes to how I view myself.  I have no difficulty believing that God exists and is active in the world because I have seen and experienced these things.  However, God’s truth about who I am is so radically different from anything I had ever believed about myself.  He says that I am a treasure, that I am His child bearing His image, that He has a plan for my life and that I have everything I need to accomplish His will.  He says that I can do anything through Him.  He delights in me, He sustains me, and He has called me to something bigger than myself.  He has fearfully and wonderfully made me and He made no mistakes.  Who am I, His mere creation, to think of myself as less than God’s masterpiece?  What would happen if I were able to lay down my two perceptions for God’s true and unchanging reality?  What could hold me back from living out His purpose for my life?  I am coming to find that His purposes are so much better than mine ever were.

God loves me for the crazy person that I am.  He created me that way.  He made me a dreamer.  He made me ambitious and He gave me a desire to change the world.  All the freedom that I thought I had in my imaginary world cannot compare to the freedom I experience when I surrender myself completely to God’s reality and live my life in response to His truth.  My brother Ben once said, “The greatest battle you’ll ever fight you have to surrender to win.”  We are not created to live half-lives, nor are we called to do the best we can.  We are called to surrender to Christ, in whom we can do all things and in whom lies our victory and purpose.

Have you thought much about truth?  Are you willing to accept that you might be wrong?  It’s a scary place to go, but God gives this promise in Jeremiah 29:13:  “You will seek me and find me if you seek me with all of your heart.”  He is the ultimate treasure worth finding.  Yes, it will rock your world.  There is so much more to this life than what you know.  Here’s the challenge:  don’t miss it.