All That Holds Me Back

Starting last night I have had a deep, deep frustration.  I talked with a friend a little about it, and this morning I spent some time at the gym thinking and praying.  Maybe this is not something that is going to work itself out quickly, but I need to work through it as much as I can today.  If not today, then when will it ever happen?

Last night I was babysitting, and I had some big trouble trying to talk to the eight year old.  It sounds really small, but I couldn’t convince her to do her homework, I couldn’t get her into bed or keep her there, and I ended up having to explain to the parents that maybe I need a course on communication because I feel like I didn’t have a clue what I was doing.  Thinking about that, I realized that I didn’t really know how to talk to anybody.

I don’t know how to write all this out in a pretty way.  I hardly even have a clue how to express myself about all this.  I can and have blogged about the things on my heart and mind (a few of them) but I can’t sit across the table from someone and bear my soul to them.  It just doesn’t come out well at all.

There’s so much in my heart.  There’s so much more to me than anyone in the world has ever seen.  What on earth is holding me back from being everything that God has called me to be?  This is what I have to figure out today.

For one thing, I’ve kept myself pretty tame over the years.  I come from a tame family (at least my immediate family), so I guess that’s how I thought I should be.  However, when I really look at things objectively:  limited hours, days, and years and the crazy, creative, and passionate personality that God has given me, the way I have been living simply doesn’t make any sense.  It’s like in the movie Night at the Museum...I feel like Pharaoh trapped in the coffin. 

I guess you could call this a holy dissatisfaction.  I’m sick of living life how I am.  I’m sick of the complacency I see all around me, and how easily I am drawn to it.  When I try to fight it, I wind up restraining myself and then growing angry and resentful inside.  That’s not a Christlike attitude.  Something needs to change.

Am I wasting my time?  Am I wasting my life making copies?  I don’t think that my job is not worthwhile, but maybe it’s not worthwhile for me.  Maybe it’s exactly where God wants me.  I don’t know!  I do know that I struggle working there.  I feel like I’m going in circles.  I live for the weekends.  I hand the ministry to someone else.  And I make copies.  And what is up with a big church?  So many possibilities, but I don’t feel like I know hardly anyone, and hardly anyone is going anywhere there.  The ones that are...you never see them because they’re...well...going somewhere.  I work for a great ministry, but it’s not where I fit.  It’s not my place in life.  I don’t feel drawn toward it.  So what DO I feel drawn toward?  That is the question.

What would I do if I could do anything with my life?  I have student loans.  That is a pretty big barrier.  I think if I could do anything right now, I’d do Mercy Ships, or something like that.  I would run a foster home, or work at a place like that.  One of the most rewarding things I have ever done was work with inner-city kids.  I wish I could go back and tell myself back then to lighten up.  Back then it was all about me.  I didn’t understand how to let go of my insecurity and truly love.  However, I see myself falling back into that trap so often.

The thing that holds me back the most is myself.  What am I so afraid of?  Really, and honestly, nothing.  I used to be afraid of everything.  But if you really knew me, you would see that I am one of the bravest people you’ve ever met.  Why do I hold myself back?

I had a dream last night.  My dreams are always stupid to some degree, and this one was no different, but there was something interesting about this one.  For years I had nightmares every night about running away from things.  Last night I dreamed that I was running toward the helpless (actually, we were all riding horses, but that’s beside the point), but kept getting pulled back.  People from high school that I hadn’t thought about in years showed up in my dream.  I still don’t know what that was all about.  However, the truth remains.  I am a courageous person.  I’ve done some really brave things in my life, but I could do more.  So why don’t I?

I feel like there is something strapping me to the floor and I don’t know what it is.  I use my loans as an excuse, and although it is a pretty good one, I’m sure there is a way around that.  Hopefully soon I am going to start a photography business.  I am hopefully next week going to buy a nice camera.  I enjoy taking nature photos, and I could sell them.  This could help me make loan payments.  I could write, but that’s a tough field to get into.  Just because it’s tough has never held me back.  When things are difficult, that’s what excites me because I love a challenge.  What is holding me back?

Maybe I could write a book.  I kind of am, but that was put on hold due to God upsetting my life, like He usually does.  I am not surprised in the least bit.  I don’t even have a specific change that I’m begging for.  I just want for Him to do something.  The walls are getting smaller.  I need to break out.

What is this whole thing about?  I’m going crazy.  I hate how normal my life is right now.  I don’t want to be normal, and when it comes down to it, I am not normal though it may look like I am right now.  God made me to be a world changer.  He made me to be a passionate person.  Why am I holding back?

This Little Light of Mine

When I was 10 years old, I was in a Christmas musical called Twinkle and the All-Star Angel Band.  In fact, for probably the only time in my whole life, I had the leading role:  Twinkle (Marvel Ann).  I’m still amazed at the depth of wisdom in the script of this play, and I listen to the demo tape almost every Christmas.  It is a great reminder of our purpose here on earth.

The scene is set in heaven, based around the question:  how do the angels celebrate Christmas?  Since the day that Jesus was born two thousand years ago, Gabriel had led the angels in the same songs, doing what angels do best: sing.  Now comes along Gladys who is the leader of the children’s choir, wanting to change the Christmas celebration set in place for centuries.  Instead of the regular choral numbers, she proposes the children put on a dramatic presentation for all of heaven to see.  The idea is preposterous.  Change a heavenly tradition?

Gladys’ little sidekick is Marvel Ann, the tomboyish and slightly unconventional angel (why on earth was I chosen for this part?  I’m not like this at all...).  Between the two of them, they convince Gabriel to at least watch the program and all the angels take their places.  In the classic play within a play, Twinkle and the All-Star Angel Band starts in on one of the best and simplest story lines I have ever seen.

The little angels play the parts of the stars in the sky.  There are several different kinds of stars:  rock stars, lone stars, wandering stars, and my personal favorite:  Niagara the falling star.  All of them have something in common:  they are all talented.  Whether it be singing, playing instruments, rock collecting, etc., they all had their place in the Angel Band.  All of them, that is, except Twinkle.  Now Miss Twinkle couldn’t do anything right.  Yes, she was the north star, but that’s about all she had to offer.  When she tried to sing, the angel choir sounded worse.  When she tried to play Celeste’s harp, she snapped the strings.  Everything she touched “turned into a disaster.”  Finally, she decided that she was the only star that didn’t fit.

Well, it came time for the greatest event in the history of the universe:  the birth of Jesus.  Rumor had it that God was going to choose one of the stars to shine above the place where Jesus was to be born and show the way to the Savior.  What a surprise when, out of all the beautiful and talented stars, God chose Twinkle for the job!  Now, from the bottom of the star society to the place of honor rose the star who thought she could do nothing.  Finally, it became clear what Twinkle’s purpose was:  to be exactly who she was created to be and do what she did best:  shine.

Gabriel was so touched by the simple message of the drama that had God written all over it.  Isn’t that what God delights best in?  Taking the lowest and raising them to the highest place, God believes in the ones that seem to have no place at all.  Out of all the things that God could have chosen for Twinkle to do such as singing, playing instruments, or rock collecting, He chose for her to do the one thing that He specifically created her for:  to shine.

It’s easy for us to focus our lives on all the things that we cannot do.  We see the people around us and we are always comparing ourselves to them.  If only I could sing like that person, or play sports like that person, or draw like that person.  Yet, amidst these goals we constantly find that our musical pitch is always a little flat, strike 3 and we’re out, and stick figures line the outsides of our math papers.  Therefore, we determine that we are a disgrace to society.  We certainly have no place, because that person we desire so strongly to be is definitely not who we are.  And we are exactly right.

God created EVERY ONE OF US for a purpose, and as long as our focus is on everybody else and how we don’t measure up, we will never find the gift that God has uniquely given us.  It is only when we can look to Him alone and treasure the fact that we are fearfully and wonderfully made that we begin to see our purpose.  God delights in showing off His creation, and the more we relish in who He created us to be, the brighter we shine. 

The truth is that we are all stars in His galaxy; little lights in the vast darkness of the world.  There is nothing like going out into the country to look at the stars, away from the distraction and man-made lights of the city.  It is there we see God’s creation for what it is:  HUGE and GLORIOUS.  The Bible says that God knows every star and calls them each by name.  If God could value a burning ball of gas THAT MUCH, just think about how much He values YOU and longs for you to become the person that only you can be!  No one in the world has the gifts, personality, and experiences you do.  What a treasure He has given you!  You are a star.  How do you shine?

As kids we sing the song This Little Light of Mine.  The words are simple.  Here they are:

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel; NO!

I’m gonna let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel; NO!

I’m gonna let it shine.

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

In Matthew 5:14-16, Jesus says:  “You are the light of the world.  A city on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead, they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”

Have you ever thought about the unique person that God created you to be as the light of the world?  John 1:3-5 says (about Jesus):  “Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made.  In Him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.”  Jesus came into the world to bring life, and to give eternal and meaningful life to all of us (John 3:16).  That life, that hope, and that love is the light of men and the light of the world.  That life He gives to us.  Therefore we are the light of the world.  And what is the purpose?  Just like Twinkle, to point the way to the Christ child.  When we are truly shining as we are designed to do, God is given blazing glory in our lives.  What an honor it is to be chosen for this special job!

Contrary to popular theology, EVERY ONE OF US has been chosen by God to shine in the darkness.  The more shining stars there are, the more brilliant the night sky, and consequently the less darkness there is.  How are you responding to God’s unique purpose in your life?  How are you shining brightly for Him?  As for me:  this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine!

A Treasure Worth Finding

Am I a gift worth having?  Am I a girl that’s worth the chase?  What am I made of?  Who am I and how am I becoming who I am meant to be?  Am I living my life the way that I want to?  Who is this woman that I am becoming?  Am I deep?  Do I love God the way I should?  Do I live every moment for the gift that it is?  Do I relish in the joy I have been given?  Am I a treasure worth finding?

Orphans of God

Today I had something happen to me that broke my heart.  Usually I don’t share things that happen at work because of confidentiality reasons, but since I am not giving any information that would lead anyone to know who I am talking about, I’m going to share what happened today.

A couple ladies came in for assistance today and we sent them home with food.  As I was bringing out diapers for their beautiful 13-month old little boy, I stopped and talked to them for a minute.  I don’t know how this happened, but the conversation ended with them begging me to take the baby.  They were just caring for him, as the father is in jail and the mom abandoned this little one.  Their words to me that completely shattered my heart were these:  “Take him, please.  He hasn’t been in the family long enough for us to miss him.”

I have been fighting tears all day.  What will this little boy grow up to be like?  Will he be loved?  He will basically be growing up an orphan, and practically unwanted by the family that is feeding and caring for him.  Everything within me wanted to take him today, but I knew that wasn’t wise.  I am not at the place in my life where I could have a baby.  As I looked into his big beautiful eyes, I wanted to hold him close and tell him, “Do you know how much God loves you?  Precious one, I would DIE FOR YOU so you could know.”

Then it hit me.  This is the kind of love that Jesus has for us.  He saw the helpless state we were in.  He died so that we could know how much God loves us.  There are no orphans of God.

How I long to live my life showing that!  Can you wrap your mind around the fact that God looks into the eyes of every single human on earth and his heart breaks.  He says to us, “Do you know how much I love you?  I DIED FOR YOU so that you could know!”  He sees the tears of His children, longing for the arms of their Daddy, and He longs to embrace us.

How would our lives look different if we lived like this?  How would our words, thoughts, and actions change if we looked into the eyes of those around us the way God looks into them?  What if we captured God’s love so strongly that we could say to every hurting soul that walks in and out of our lives, “Do you know how much God loves you?  Precious one, I would DIE FOR YOU so you could know!”  It kills me to know that there are thousands of children without someone to love them today, orphaned by their earthly families for various reasons.  However, what a joy and a calling it is that God does not leave us as orphans, but chooses to be our Father and love us so much that He would rather die than let another moment go by that we didn’t know how very much He longs to be our everything.  What a thought that is!  And He asks of us to love as we have been loved.  Wow.  What a big love that is.  What does that mean to you?

Facing My Giants

Disclaimer:  This was written yesterday.

So today I overcame my lifelong fear of fitness centers.  I officially became one of THEM.  I even bought workout clothes.  I still can't believe I spent that much money.  I never saw myself as worthy of the gym.  Today, however, I decided to go anyway.  As I gazed upon the 24 Hour Fitness building, I shook in trepidation.  However, I had already bought the clothes, made the charts, and told the 3 people who read my blog about my plans.  I didn't want to let them down, so I entered the sacred hall of...health.  Dun dun dun.

I acted confident, but I had no idea what in the world I was doing.  God sent me the one employee with glasses to be my guide.  This may sound shallow, but that took 90% of the burden off my shoulders.  50% of the burden returned once we started touring machine central.  I felt every eye upon me, scouting out the "new girl".  I wonder if I looked as ridiculous as I felt.  I mean, I was even wearing a headband.  Anyway, we made it through, and I have officially fallen in love with a treadmill.  After a half an hour jamming to Britt Nicole while losing over 100 calories, I was on cloud nine.  I even felt...ok...which was better than the "bad" I'd been fighting all day.  I left looking forward to tomorrow when I can do it all over again (without the humiliation of a guided tour).

I have to say, I'm kind of nervous though.  With my new membership comes a free session with a personal trainer.  Mine is set up for Wednesday.  And yes, HIS name is William.  A guy?  Really?  Don't they have any FEMALE personal trainers?  Oh well.  Guess that'll be a story for a later date.

Today was really significant for me, though.  I've always kind of had this box that I hid in of all the different things I thought I should believe about myself.  I'm finding there really is a whole 'nother world out there that's "ok" to experience, like fitness centers.  Not sure how I feel about the sauna yet, but I don't think it's time for me to tackle that one.  One step at a time.

Diet Plan

So, a doctor put me on this diet a few years ago, and I did really well on it.  It didn't fix things, but it sure helped a lot.  I hadn't done it lately, because it was kind of a pain, but at the same time, I think worth it.  Copyright belongs to Enzyme Formulations, Inc. Madison, WI dated 1995, 2005

A Dietary Guide for Carbohydrate Intolerance

General Guidelines
-Eat fruit raw, without sugar or salt
-Lightly steam vegetables until slightly crunchy
-Limit processed sugar and artificial sugar substitutes such as aspartame and saccharin
-Limit processed foods, including fast food
-Limit foods that have been refined, preserved, colored, aged, and fumigated
-Limit overcooking, microwaving, or frying foods
-Limit foods that contain stimulants such as coffee, colas, and black teas
-Consume meat, fish, and poultry in moderation
-Moderate your intake of oils and fats; avoid trans fatty acids (trans fats) found in vegetable shortening, some margarines, and most processed foods

The designation of a choice as "acceptable" or "poor" is directly related to the protein, carbohydrate, and fat content of the item; acid and alkaline mineral content and glycemic index may also be considered.

Vegetables and Herbs
Acceptable choice:  Alfalfa sprouts, asparagus, beans (green and yellow), beets, beet greens, bok choy, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage (chinese red and white), carrots, cauliflower, celery, chives, collards, cucumbers, eggplant, endive, garlic, green onions, kale, kohlrabi, leafy greens, leeks, mushrooms, okra, onions, parsley, peppers (all), pickles, pumpkin, radishes, sauerkraut, spinach, squash (summer), swiss chard, turnips, water chestnuts, zucchini

Poor choice:  Artichokes, corn, green peas, olives, parsnips, potatoes (all), rutabaga, squash (winter), yams

Fruits
Acceptable choice:  (Fresh fruits, fruits high in magnesium or potassium including) Apricots, Bananas, cantaloupe, kiwi, mangoes, mulberries

Poor choice:  Canned fruits, dried fruits, fruits with added sugar (like cranberry sauce)

Nuts and Seeds
Acceptable choice:  Raw nuts (soaked), Roasted nuts including:  Almonds, cashews, filbert, macadamia, peanuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios, sesame seeds, sunflower seeds, walnuts

Poor choice:  Nut butters, raw nuts (unsoaked) All raw nuts and seeds have enzymes that inhibit digestion

Legumes
Acceptable choice:  Tempeh, tofu

Poor choice:  Baked beans, black beans, chickpeas, fava beans, kidney beans, lentils, lima beans, mung beans, navy beans, peanuts, peas (black-eyed), peas (green), pinto beans, soybeans (Legumes may be an acceptable choice if accompanied by appropriate enzymes)

Poultry
Acceptable choice:  Chicken, cornish hen, duck, eggs, goose and wild goose, quail, turkey

Poor choice:  Organ meats, pates

Meats
(Choose meats reasonably low in fat.  Limit breaded, fried, and smoked meats.)
Acceptable choice:  Beef (lean ground), bison (lean), chipped beef (lean), chuck roast, elk (lean), emu, flank steak, lamb, ostrich, pork (no bacon or ham), rib roast, round steak, short ribs, sirloin steak, t-bone steak, tenderloin, veal, venison, wild game

Poor choice:  Bacon, beef sausage, bratwurst, brisket, canadian bacon, corned beef or hash, dried meats, frankfurters or hot dogs, ham, italian sausages, knockwurst, liverwurst/braunschweiger, lunch or deli meats, organ meats, pastrami, pepperoni, polish sausage, pork sausage, porterhouse steak, prosciutto, rabbit, salami

Seafood
(Limit breaded or battered seafood.  Bake or broil witha  minimal amount of butter or oil.)
Acceptable choice:  Anchovies, bass, carp, catfish, caviar, clams, cod, crab, eel, flounder, frog legs, grouper, haddock, hake, halibut, herring, lobster, oysters, mackerel, mahi-mahi, perch, pike, red snapper, salmon, sardines, scallops, shrimp, snapper, sole, squid, tilapia, trout, tuna (light), walleye

Poor choice:  Abalone, snails (without butter), sturgeon

Grains, Flours, Cereals
(Limit serving sizes)
Acceptable choice:  Barley (pearl), bread (oat bran, light rye), bread (pita, whole grain), cereal (cold, bran, natural muesli), cereal (oatmeal), crackers (low fat, rye crispbread), english muffins (whole grain), flour (rye), kasha (buckwheat groats), muffin (low fat, bran), pasta (gluten free, whole grain), popcorn (plain), quinoa, rice bran, rice (brown)

Poor choice:  Bagel, bread (rice), cereal (cornflakes, cream of rice, cream of wheat, sweetened), crackers (graham), flour (buckwheat, cornmeal, potato, white, whole wheat), hominy grits, millet, pancakes, waffles, pretzels, rice cakes, rice (white), tortilla chips, tortilla (corn)

Soups
(Avoid soups with added sugar or salt)
Acceptable choice:  Beef stock (low fat), bouillon, broth (clear), chicken gumbo, chicken rice, chicken stock (low fat), gazpacho, minestrone, oyster stew, tomato, vegetable soups

Poor choice:  Beans and frankfurters, black bean, chili, clam chowder, creamy soups, lentil and ham, noodle soups, split pea and ham

Sweeteners
Acceptable choice:  Fresh fruit and juices, fructose (natural), fruit juice sweetener, stevia

Poor choice:  Artificial sweeteners, fructose (artificial), honey, milk chocolate, molasses, powdered sugar, sugar (brown and white), syrup (maple)

Dairy
(Limit dairy consumption) (All low-fat)
Acceptable choice:  Butter (small amount), buttermilk, cheese, cottage cheese, cream cheese, feta cheese, ghee, goat cheese, goat's milk, kefir, milk (skim), mozzarella cheese, parmesan cheese, rice cheese, ricotta cheese, romano cheese, yogurt (plain), yogurt butter, yogurt cheese

Poor choice:  Chocolate milk, condensed milk, cream, dry milk, half and half, ice cream, processed cheese, sour cream, whey cheese, whipping cream, whole milk

Salad Dressings and Oils
(Use dressing sparingly.  Most low-fat dressings are acceptable.  Limit creamy salad dressing.)
Acceptable choice:  Almond oil, blue cheese, canola oil, cider vinegar, coconut oil, corn oil, french, italian, lemon juice, mayonnaise (low-fat), olive oil, russian, safflower oil, sesame oil, shortening, soybean oil, sunflower oil, thousand island, vinaigrettes, vinegar and oil

Poor choice:  Avocado oil

Beverages
Acceptable choice:  Black tea (in moderation), flavored tea (unsweetened), fruit juice (unsweetened), green tea, herbal tea (unsweetened), rice milk (no carrageenan), soymilk, vegetable juice (unsweetened), water

Poor choice:  All alcoholic beverages, coffee, cola and diet drinks, fruit-flavored drinks with added sugar

Condiments
(Limit condiments with added sugar and hydrogenated oils)
Acceptable choice:  Enchilada sauce, gravy, hallandaise, marinara sauce, mayonnaise, mustard, soy sauce, tartar sauce, tomato paste, tomato sauce (no salt), vinegar, white sauce

Poor choice:  Barbeque sauce, horseradish, jam, jelly, ketchup, marmalade, miso, worcestershire sauce

Summer With A Purpose

I am sharing this for two reasons.  First, accountability, and second to throw this out there in case anyone else would like to join me on this 3-month focus called Summer With A Purpose.  Not only will this summer focus on spiritual health (like always), but also physical health.  Here is my plan for May 15-August 15:

1.  Gym Membership-At least 1/2 hr. per day, 5 days a week.  (I am going to go right after work Monday-Friday)

2.  Healthy Eating-I have not yet chosen a diet plan, but the focus will be on what foods to eat and what foods to avoid, and eating several small meals a day.  When I find one that I like, then I will definitely post it (everyone has different needs).  Also, please feel free to share with all of us if you have one that you have found useful.

3.  Vitamins-I already do this, but here is what I take:  Vitamins D and C, Fish Oil, and Multivitamin.

4.  Sleep-8 hours per night, 5 days a week

5.  Sabbath-I have done significantly better lately with this, but there is still room for improvement.  One FULL day per week spent resting and regenerating, whatever that may be.

6.  Weekends-I am going to allow myself to slack on the weekends with eating and exercise.  I know myself, and I can't be perfect all the time.  I will get burned out.  I want my weekends to be a time when I can crash (and babysit).

This is my plan for the next 3 months starting on the 15th.  Please join me in this season of health, as I will be sharing my thoughts regularly on this journey as well.  Please feel free to comment and dialogue about your journeys.  Let's encourage each other!

For the record (and most women don't share this, but I have no shame):  I'm at around 170 lbs. right now.  We'll see where I'm at on August 15th.  =)