Orphans of God

Today I had something happen to me that broke my heart.  Usually I don’t share things that happen at work because of confidentiality reasons, but since I am not giving any information that would lead anyone to know who I am talking about, I’m going to share what happened today.

A couple ladies came in for assistance today and we sent them home with food.  As I was bringing out diapers for their beautiful 13-month old little boy, I stopped and talked to them for a minute.  I don’t know how this happened, but the conversation ended with them begging me to take the baby.  They were just caring for him, as the father is in jail and the mom abandoned this little one.  Their words to me that completely shattered my heart were these:  “Take him, please.  He hasn’t been in the family long enough for us to miss him.”

I have been fighting tears all day.  What will this little boy grow up to be like?  Will he be loved?  He will basically be growing up an orphan, and practically unwanted by the family that is feeding and caring for him.  Everything within me wanted to take him today, but I knew that wasn’t wise.  I am not at the place in my life where I could have a baby.  As I looked into his big beautiful eyes, I wanted to hold him close and tell him, “Do you know how much God loves you?  Precious one, I would DIE FOR YOU so you could know.”

Then it hit me.  This is the kind of love that Jesus has for us.  He saw the helpless state we were in.  He died so that we could know how much God loves us.  There are no orphans of God.

How I long to live my life showing that!  Can you wrap your mind around the fact that God looks into the eyes of every single human on earth and his heart breaks.  He says to us, “Do you know how much I love you?  I DIED FOR YOU so that you could know!”  He sees the tears of His children, longing for the arms of their Daddy, and He longs to embrace us.

How would our lives look different if we lived like this?  How would our words, thoughts, and actions change if we looked into the eyes of those around us the way God looks into them?  What if we captured God’s love so strongly that we could say to every hurting soul that walks in and out of our lives, “Do you know how much God loves you?  Precious one, I would DIE FOR YOU so you could know!”  It kills me to know that there are thousands of children without someone to love them today, orphaned by their earthly families for various reasons.  However, what a joy and a calling it is that God does not leave us as orphans, but chooses to be our Father and love us so much that He would rather die than let another moment go by that we didn’t know how very much He longs to be our everything.  What a thought that is!  And He asks of us to love as we have been loved.  Wow.  What a big love that is.  What does that mean to you?

Facing My Giants

Disclaimer:  This was written yesterday.

So today I overcame my lifelong fear of fitness centers.  I officially became one of THEM.  I even bought workout clothes.  I still can't believe I spent that much money.  I never saw myself as worthy of the gym.  Today, however, I decided to go anyway.  As I gazed upon the 24 Hour Fitness building, I shook in trepidation.  However, I had already bought the clothes, made the charts, and told the 3 people who read my blog about my plans.  I didn't want to let them down, so I entered the sacred hall of...health.  Dun dun dun.

I acted confident, but I had no idea what in the world I was doing.  God sent me the one employee with glasses to be my guide.  This may sound shallow, but that took 90% of the burden off my shoulders.  50% of the burden returned once we started touring machine central.  I felt every eye upon me, scouting out the "new girl".  I wonder if I looked as ridiculous as I felt.  I mean, I was even wearing a headband.  Anyway, we made it through, and I have officially fallen in love with a treadmill.  After a half an hour jamming to Britt Nicole while losing over 100 calories, I was on cloud nine.  I even felt...ok...which was better than the "bad" I'd been fighting all day.  I left looking forward to tomorrow when I can do it all over again (without the humiliation of a guided tour).

I have to say, I'm kind of nervous though.  With my new membership comes a free session with a personal trainer.  Mine is set up for Wednesday.  And yes, HIS name is William.  A guy?  Really?  Don't they have any FEMALE personal trainers?  Oh well.  Guess that'll be a story for a later date.

Today was really significant for me, though.  I've always kind of had this box that I hid in of all the different things I thought I should believe about myself.  I'm finding there really is a whole 'nother world out there that's "ok" to experience, like fitness centers.  Not sure how I feel about the sauna yet, but I don't think it's time for me to tackle that one.  One step at a time.

Diet Plan

So, a doctor put me on this diet a few years ago, and I did really well on it.  It didn't fix things, but it sure helped a lot.  I hadn't done it lately, because it was kind of a pain, but at the same time, I think worth it.  Copyright belongs to Enzyme Formulations, Inc. Madison, WI dated 1995, 2005

A Dietary Guide for Carbohydrate Intolerance

General Guidelines
-Eat fruit raw, without sugar or salt
-Lightly steam vegetables until slightly crunchy
-Limit processed sugar and artificial sugar substitutes such as aspartame and saccharin
-Limit processed foods, including fast food
-Limit foods that have been refined, preserved, colored, aged, and fumigated
-Limit overcooking, microwaving, or frying foods
-Limit foods that contain stimulants such as coffee, colas, and black teas
-Consume meat, fish, and poultry in moderation
-Moderate your intake of oils and fats; avoid trans fatty acids (trans fats) found in vegetable shortening, some margarines, and most processed foods

The designation of a choice as "acceptable" or "poor" is directly related to the protein, carbohydrate, and fat content of the item; acid and alkaline mineral content and glycemic index may also be considered.

Vegetables and Herbs
Acceptable choice:  Alfalfa sprouts, asparagus, beans (green and yellow), beets, beet greens, bok choy, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage (chinese red and white), carrots, cauliflower, celery, chives, collards, cucumbers, eggplant, endive, garlic, green onions, kale, kohlrabi, leafy greens, leeks, mushrooms, okra, onions, parsley, peppers (all), pickles, pumpkin, radishes, sauerkraut, spinach, squash (summer), swiss chard, turnips, water chestnuts, zucchini

Poor choice:  Artichokes, corn, green peas, olives, parsnips, potatoes (all), rutabaga, squash (winter), yams

Fruits
Acceptable choice:  (Fresh fruits, fruits high in magnesium or potassium including) Apricots, Bananas, cantaloupe, kiwi, mangoes, mulberries

Poor choice:  Canned fruits, dried fruits, fruits with added sugar (like cranberry sauce)

Nuts and Seeds
Acceptable choice:  Raw nuts (soaked), Roasted nuts including:  Almonds, cashews, filbert, macadamia, peanuts, pecans, pine nuts, pistachios, sesame seeds, sunflower seeds, walnuts

Poor choice:  Nut butters, raw nuts (unsoaked) All raw nuts and seeds have enzymes that inhibit digestion

Legumes
Acceptable choice:  Tempeh, tofu

Poor choice:  Baked beans, black beans, chickpeas, fava beans, kidney beans, lentils, lima beans, mung beans, navy beans, peanuts, peas (black-eyed), peas (green), pinto beans, soybeans (Legumes may be an acceptable choice if accompanied by appropriate enzymes)

Poultry
Acceptable choice:  Chicken, cornish hen, duck, eggs, goose and wild goose, quail, turkey

Poor choice:  Organ meats, pates

Meats
(Choose meats reasonably low in fat.  Limit breaded, fried, and smoked meats.)
Acceptable choice:  Beef (lean ground), bison (lean), chipped beef (lean), chuck roast, elk (lean), emu, flank steak, lamb, ostrich, pork (no bacon or ham), rib roast, round steak, short ribs, sirloin steak, t-bone steak, tenderloin, veal, venison, wild game

Poor choice:  Bacon, beef sausage, bratwurst, brisket, canadian bacon, corned beef or hash, dried meats, frankfurters or hot dogs, ham, italian sausages, knockwurst, liverwurst/braunschweiger, lunch or deli meats, organ meats, pastrami, pepperoni, polish sausage, pork sausage, porterhouse steak, prosciutto, rabbit, salami

Seafood
(Limit breaded or battered seafood.  Bake or broil witha  minimal amount of butter or oil.)
Acceptable choice:  Anchovies, bass, carp, catfish, caviar, clams, cod, crab, eel, flounder, frog legs, grouper, haddock, hake, halibut, herring, lobster, oysters, mackerel, mahi-mahi, perch, pike, red snapper, salmon, sardines, scallops, shrimp, snapper, sole, squid, tilapia, trout, tuna (light), walleye

Poor choice:  Abalone, snails (without butter), sturgeon

Grains, Flours, Cereals
(Limit serving sizes)
Acceptable choice:  Barley (pearl), bread (oat bran, light rye), bread (pita, whole grain), cereal (cold, bran, natural muesli), cereal (oatmeal), crackers (low fat, rye crispbread), english muffins (whole grain), flour (rye), kasha (buckwheat groats), muffin (low fat, bran), pasta (gluten free, whole grain), popcorn (plain), quinoa, rice bran, rice (brown)

Poor choice:  Bagel, bread (rice), cereal (cornflakes, cream of rice, cream of wheat, sweetened), crackers (graham), flour (buckwheat, cornmeal, potato, white, whole wheat), hominy grits, millet, pancakes, waffles, pretzels, rice cakes, rice (white), tortilla chips, tortilla (corn)

Soups
(Avoid soups with added sugar or salt)
Acceptable choice:  Beef stock (low fat), bouillon, broth (clear), chicken gumbo, chicken rice, chicken stock (low fat), gazpacho, minestrone, oyster stew, tomato, vegetable soups

Poor choice:  Beans and frankfurters, black bean, chili, clam chowder, creamy soups, lentil and ham, noodle soups, split pea and ham

Sweeteners
Acceptable choice:  Fresh fruit and juices, fructose (natural), fruit juice sweetener, stevia

Poor choice:  Artificial sweeteners, fructose (artificial), honey, milk chocolate, molasses, powdered sugar, sugar (brown and white), syrup (maple)

Dairy
(Limit dairy consumption) (All low-fat)
Acceptable choice:  Butter (small amount), buttermilk, cheese, cottage cheese, cream cheese, feta cheese, ghee, goat cheese, goat's milk, kefir, milk (skim), mozzarella cheese, parmesan cheese, rice cheese, ricotta cheese, romano cheese, yogurt (plain), yogurt butter, yogurt cheese

Poor choice:  Chocolate milk, condensed milk, cream, dry milk, half and half, ice cream, processed cheese, sour cream, whey cheese, whipping cream, whole milk

Salad Dressings and Oils
(Use dressing sparingly.  Most low-fat dressings are acceptable.  Limit creamy salad dressing.)
Acceptable choice:  Almond oil, blue cheese, canola oil, cider vinegar, coconut oil, corn oil, french, italian, lemon juice, mayonnaise (low-fat), olive oil, russian, safflower oil, sesame oil, shortening, soybean oil, sunflower oil, thousand island, vinaigrettes, vinegar and oil

Poor choice:  Avocado oil

Beverages
Acceptable choice:  Black tea (in moderation), flavored tea (unsweetened), fruit juice (unsweetened), green tea, herbal tea (unsweetened), rice milk (no carrageenan), soymilk, vegetable juice (unsweetened), water

Poor choice:  All alcoholic beverages, coffee, cola and diet drinks, fruit-flavored drinks with added sugar

Condiments
(Limit condiments with added sugar and hydrogenated oils)
Acceptable choice:  Enchilada sauce, gravy, hallandaise, marinara sauce, mayonnaise, mustard, soy sauce, tartar sauce, tomato paste, tomato sauce (no salt), vinegar, white sauce

Poor choice:  Barbeque sauce, horseradish, jam, jelly, ketchup, marmalade, miso, worcestershire sauce

Summer With A Purpose

I am sharing this for two reasons.  First, accountability, and second to throw this out there in case anyone else would like to join me on this 3-month focus called Summer With A Purpose.  Not only will this summer focus on spiritual health (like always), but also physical health.  Here is my plan for May 15-August 15:

1.  Gym Membership-At least 1/2 hr. per day, 5 days a week.  (I am going to go right after work Monday-Friday)

2.  Healthy Eating-I have not yet chosen a diet plan, but the focus will be on what foods to eat and what foods to avoid, and eating several small meals a day.  When I find one that I like, then I will definitely post it (everyone has different needs).  Also, please feel free to share with all of us if you have one that you have found useful.

3.  Vitamins-I already do this, but here is what I take:  Vitamins D and C, Fish Oil, and Multivitamin.

4.  Sleep-8 hours per night, 5 days a week

5.  Sabbath-I have done significantly better lately with this, but there is still room for improvement.  One FULL day per week spent resting and regenerating, whatever that may be.

6.  Weekends-I am going to allow myself to slack on the weekends with eating and exercise.  I know myself, and I can't be perfect all the time.  I will get burned out.  I want my weekends to be a time when I can crash (and babysit).

This is my plan for the next 3 months starting on the 15th.  Please join me in this season of health, as I will be sharing my thoughts regularly on this journey as well.  Please feel free to comment and dialogue about your journeys.  Let's encourage each other!

For the record (and most women don't share this, but I have no shame):  I'm at around 170 lbs. right now.  We'll see where I'm at on August 15th.  =)

You Are My Sunrise

O God, You are my peace and my joy.  You are my sunrise.

"Where morning dawns and evening fades, You call forth songs of joy." -Psalm 65:8b

There is nothing quite like a sunrise.  Birds sing joyfully in anticipation as colors quickly splash across the sky.  Hope rises in the chill of the air.  The earth is still.  Whatever clouds are still lingering in the sky only enhance the beauty of the morning as they reflect the purples and deep oranges of the rising sun.  It all happens so fast.  If you blink, you might miss it.  Oh, but you don't want to miss it.

God has meant different things to me at different points in my life.  He has shown Himself to me in different ways.  At times He was my Father; other times my Provider, my Lover, and my song in the night.  Today, He is my sunrise.  He is my hope at the dawning of a new day.  He is my joy.  He is vibrant and alive, vast and beautiful.  If I could but capture His mercies in a moment, it might be in the splendor of the dawn.

And what about midnight?  It has only increased my wonder of the morning.  The clouds that once held darkness now reflect the radiance of God.  The pain deepens my joy in the colors of a new day.  The simple sparrow cannot help but sing praises at the possibilities that each brief day holds.  To God, a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like a day.  Our lives are but a breath; a brief streak on the dawn of God's horizon.  Blink, and you might miss it.  Oh, but you don't want to miss it.

Sunrise

by Nichole Nordeman

If I had the chance

To go back again

Take a different road, bear a lighter load

Tell an easy story

I would walk away

With my yesterdays

And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley

Every bitter chill

Made me ready to climb back up the hill

And find that...

You are sunrise

You are blue skies

How could I know the morning

If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon

You're the light of a new dawn

So thank You, thank You

That after the long night, You are sunrise

There's a moment when

Faith caves in

There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun

And every tomorrow holds out hope for us

For every one of us, 'cuz

You are sunrise

You are blue skies

How could I know the morning

If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon

You're the light of a new dawn

So thank You, thank You

That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine

You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

His Masterpiece

Tonight I spent 5 hours coloring a picture.  Ridiculous?  Maybe.  A waste of time?  Definitely not.  I learned more tonight from coloring geometric shapes with Sharpies than I have in many other “more meaningful” tasks I have set out to do.

The picture was a mosaic of different sizes of octagons.  Not only was it incredible stress relief to select the different colors, but it was literally a joy to watch the picture slowly come to life.  I did the border first, and then started to color inward.  I started to wonder what colors to select for the starred corners of the inward clusters, and finally decided to leave them white.  Looking at it afterwards, it really gave the picture much more life than if I had colored in every one.  The final product was fantastic (at least I thought so; maybe the aroma of the markers was getting to me a little bit).  I would venture to say it was a small masterpiece.

As I was starting to finish the picture, I realized how much this work of art was like my life.  Each experience, big or small, was a part of a cluster, and each cluster was a part of the larger picture.  In a way, I kind of felt like I was God, creating a beautiful picture of my life.  Each piece had a different color, and some of them were left white for the seasons of wilderness.  In the end, the picture would not have been the same without them.  Some colors were dark and some were bright.  However, they all made the work of art so rich and vibrant.  Sometimes it seemed like I was using SO MUCH green, or far too much yellow, but when I made the final touches and signed my name on the page, I realized that everything was just right.

I wonder what God sees as He looks at my life.  I wonder if He sees every gladness and heartbreak that I experience like this mosaic, and if His eyes light up as He sees the picture start to come to life.  I wonder if when He switches to the color red and He hears me complaining about it, He wants to just say, “Wait, child, until you see the final product!  You won’t be disappointed!”  I wonder at His patience to work so long making everything just right.  So often I want Him to “just hurry up.”  However, hours, years, and decades later the splashes of vibrant color and tender detail show themselves for what they are:  a priceless masterpiece woven together by the Master Creator, signed with His very hand.  This work of art would put my measly Sharpie project to shame.  However, nevertheless, I choose to put behind me the impatience that I feel as troubles seem to linger on forever, knowing that in the end, that color will be just enough to make the picture absolutely............perfect.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

So today I received a call from Mayo Clinic informing me that the department they would refer me to is not accepting new patients.  Therefore, I will not be able to go there for testing.  My reactions always surprise me most, because I never plan on getting emotional.  Today, however, I couldn’t stop the truck that hit me and I quickly found a vacant stairwell to house my meltdown.

I don’t consider myself to be an emotional person.  I can usually reason away feelings before they get to me too much, but today I think I just collapsed.  I have been fighting this for so long, and although I was scared to death to go to Mayo, it was one of the few hopes I’d allowed myself to believe in.  I felt myself becoming disillusioned again about doctors and wellness in general, and I wanted more than anything for someone just to come and pick me up, maybe just for the sake of being held.  I feel ashamed even admitting that.

There are some things (well a lot of things) that have been really bothering me today, and I just need to get it out.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen myself just give up like I did today.  People meant well by asking how I felt, what the next step is, or simply telling me that I’ll make it through, but something inside of me was very resistant to hearing any of it.  It’s like my spirit was angry at the thought of anything outside the moment or analyzing my emotions.  I couldn’t even fathom the idea of telling “my story” one more time, even to people I was close to.  My best friend asked me how I was feeling and I ended up telling her that I was too tired to give her an answer.  I really needed to talk, but I literally couldn’t, and I’ve been like this all day.  My mom wanted to discuss options, and I basically shut down.  I didn’t like this about me at all.

I don’t know how to feel about any of this or even how to be.  I don’t even know what I should be.  I’m a fighter, and I don’t give up, but I think the thought I can’t stand the most is living for myself all this time.  I feel like this whole process has made me so inward-focused, and that frustrates me.  I don’t want to live a selfish life.  In that regard, I would so much rather give up trying right now and live the rest of my life just dealing with it.  Life is short, right?  I’ve lived with this for 8 years; what’s another 17? (I’ve had a long-standing joke that making it to age 40 would be quite an accomplishment).  I want to leave myself behind and focus on the needs of others around me.  When I think about how I want my life to be defined, thinking about myself isn’t even on the radar. 

There is a major flip-side to this coin.  At the rate my disease (or whatever the heck you want to call it, apparently it has no name) is progressing, it won’t be too long before walking is a moment-by-moment struggle and my intestines start shutting down.  In a lot of ways, both have grown to be pretty debilitating, much more than I want to admit to anyone.  I can’t believe, if I am honest with myself, that I have to live like this for the rest of my life.  I have dreams from as big as running an orphanage to as small as being able to ride my bike again.  I hate being defined by this box I live in.  I’m a free spirit, and yet I feel so trapped.  I’m getting claustrophobic.

Part of me wonders who would ever want me like this.  I’m a mess, or so it looks like.  I don’t want to leave the impression of what I can’t do; I want to be a treasure worth having and knowing.  What is left of me at the end of the day?  I guess I just have to trust that God can make beauty from ashes.

I don’t want to miss this unique journey that God has planned for me, but I am fighting a resentment growing in my heart.  Yeah, trusting God isn’t as cut and dry as they teach you in Sunday School.  How do I trust God?  Do I keep fighting or do I stop the doctor stuff here and now?  Here I am pretending that I even have a choice...

You see, somewhere over the rainbow there aren’t going to be any more tears, but as a 23-year-old, I certainly hope I’m nowhere close to that.  It’s easy to get lost in that thought, and I have begged God to take me at times.  Especially when I lie down at night; that’s when things are the worst.  However, even in the midst of all of this, I want to live, and I want to live well.

I hope I’m not bearing my soul too much.  I feel like I have been on display lately because of having to go through all of this.  It seems that I have no secrets anymore-almost.  I have fought trying to keep some of this to myself for so long, but I don’t even care anymore.  Maybe that’s how I’ve been feeling all day:  like I’m tired of caring.  There’s something about having to fight a monster that makes you realize sometimes you’re pretty sure you’re losing.  But where do you go from there?  Today as I sat in the stairwell, I felt as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders.  I longed for someone to come and fight this for me, and then I realized that no one else could.  People could walk with me and give me comfort, but this is my burden alone to bear and my battle alone to fight.

People who have never gone through something like this are quick to admonish me for saying that.  “You are never alone!  Jesus is with you!” And yes, that is true.  I don’t know what I would ever do without Him.  However, He does not always take away the sting of pain or the overwhelming suffering.  I still feel it all, and sometimes trust feels like a hand reaching in the dark toward His presence I have learned to know is there.  It is a heavy thing to carry.  Right now, I’m in so much pain, all I want to do is sleep.  Do I keep pressing on or do I give in?  I have no idea.

However, in the midst of the darkness there shines a light that is brighter.  This joy that God gives cannot allow the sorrow for long.  I love the book of Lamentations because it is so honest.  There comes a point in chapter 3 where the author just can’t hold back the light anymore (vs 19-38):

“I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.’

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

It is good for a man to bear the yoke

while he is young.

Let him sit alone in silence,

for the Lord has laid it on him.

Let him bury his face in the dust—

there may yet be hope.

Let him offer his cheek to the one who would strike him,

and let him be filled with disgrace.

For men are not cast off

by the Lord forever.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,

so great is his unfailing love.

For he does not willingly bring affliction

or grief to the children of men.

To crush underfoot

all prisoners in the land,

to deny a man his rights

before the Most High,

to deprive a man of justice—

would not the Lord see such things?

Who can speak and have it happen

if the Lord has not decreed it?

Is it not from the mouth of the Most High

that both calamities and good things come?”

I feel that most of my blogs, especially lately have asked more questions than anything, and I guess (was it Plato?) that’s a pretty good attitude to have.  There’s just so much in my life that doesn’t make sense to me right now.  I guess it doesn’t have to.  There are two things I hate:  being weak and being vulnerable.  I feel that I am both right now.  I feel incredibly alone.  I don’t know how to reach out.  I was telling a friend tonight that I never know how much people want to hear, so I generally air on the side of caution because nobody likes “too much information.”  I feel like I can write on my blog, because people can stop reading anytime they want to, and I’m not imposing on their politeness and time.  Sometimes, like today, I couldn’t even talk at all.  I just wanted a hug.  If my mom would have been closer than 8 hours away, she would have definitely been there.  I’m eternally grateful for the support of my family.  It will be them and the grace of God that is going to carry me through.  I’m at the end of my strength right now.

I guess maybe I should go get some sleep.  I just want to say this:  I am so blessed.  Thank you, Lord, for entrusting me with Your story.